I lost my mum on the 6th April this year. It was a very sudden and unexpected death, we had been speaking for a month before she passed but before that, there was no contact for 3 1/2 years.
I was raised from 11 by my grandparents who I lost in 2023. I am overwhelmed with anger but also guilt. I tried numerous times to fix the relationship, my mum had an issue with men and alcohol. Which made it a very toxic place to grow up. At the time my mum died, while I was caring for her, my fiancé left me for another women, now it’s just me and my two daughters. They didn’t get to meet my mum because of her lifestyle, I have only cried once over this. I now feel entirely shut off from everything. All my emotions seem to be gone, but I know I still feel so sad. I know deep down there is nothing I could of done but I just wish I had more time to figure her out more. Try and understand why everything happened. Sometimes I still think she’s around. I have to look at the funeral card and look back on pictures to believe I now don’t have a mother, I already grieved her once and now I feel like I’m doing it all over again, only so much worse this time
Hello @Betty03 ,
I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum and Grandparents that brings you here.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.
-
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
-
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
-
Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
-
Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hello Betty
I’m so sorry about the loss of your Mother and your Grandparents and the circumstances of your childhood and upbringing. I hear what you are saying about getting your Mum back and for such a short time only to lose her all over again. That must be very hard for you and you have such a lot to process and it’s still very raw. You tried to fix the relationship but it takes two and it sounds like your Mum because of her own issues and demons wasn’t able to do her side of it. And then your Fiancé talk about kick someone when they are down. That must have brought up a whole lot of negative stuff as it’s similar to your Mum not being able to be there for you as a child. My heart breaks for you. So much to take in such a short time. Hopefully things will ease up a bit with time. Please look after yourself and reach out on here and to other support groups. I wonder if Al Anon or something similar may be able to help? I had a book years ago so it might not be available now It was called treating adult children of Alcoholics. My Dad and practically every other member of my massive family have alcoholic/ addiction issues. So hard to be around them in my experience.
Take care of those girls too. They didn’t get to meet your Mum but hopefully in time you can begin to open up to them about her if it feels right.
Luv and hugs to you all xx
Sorry Betty
I sent my last message too soon. I AM A MUPPET
I left Glasgow when I was 16 because the family dynamics were soo toxic and I knew I had to get away to survive otherwise I would have wound up like them probably But it was self protection as I couldn’t have a relationship with my Dad I lost my Mum 40 weeks ago today and I get entirely your feelings about having to lose her twice as I had to lose her 50 years ago too. And as you said, it’s soo much harder this time as it really is final. There was always the fantasy that we will all get it together someday but deep down I knew that was all it was. We all grow and tread our own path but when we are hurt as children not necessarily deliberately but hurt nonetheless it really goes deep.
You look after yourself
Xx
Thank you. I guess I come here to hear that. You never want to know someone understands you when it comes to trauma but it helps to know I’m not on my own. I understand and resonate to that so well. I tried to have a really open and honest conversation with my mum, using a lot of “tactics” I had learned in my working life to try and diminish her responsibility slightly in the hopes she may try and give me some answers but I got nowhere and it was kind of a lost cause, I went to leave but seeing her so poorly I stayed. I always thought the same, that somehow thing would get better. My mum was diagnosed with cancer last year but very treatable. She did go into a hospice but only for pain management and a way to get her weight up to have an operation to remove the cancer.
Her weight crept up and she was released home to wait for her appointment on the following Tuesday. She was home just over a day and she fell down 3 stairs and it ruptured her tumor. Unfortunately ambulance didn’t get there in enough time and they couldn’t stem her bleeding,
It’s a hard thing to understand. I think some weird part of me knew she was going to die. I was the only person who said it but I knew.
It’s hard to wrap my head around, or try and piece together now the last time I saw her or the words I said to her.
It’s like my memory has gone on me again and that’s super frustrating also.
I also went my own path, I too just had to leave her life behind out of fear of being dragged into the same lifestyle. It was no life. She was so depressed and now that makes me equally sad that, at only 50 when she died, she didn’t have a good life. There wasn’t many achievements, there wasn’t many good times. I hate that she didn’t manage the things she wanted to do through addiction and I’m sad for myself for missing out on a mam because of that too
Hi again Betty.
It is good to know that someone out there does understand. But it’s so bloody hard being born into. Families that have addiction issues especially that socially acceptable drug alcohol. As children of alcoholics the fault is not ours. The adults are the ones responsible but you grow up thinking it’s your responsibility to parent them or that you are such a bad horrible person that you deserve this. You assume responsibilities that you are too young to carry. That said I don’t think enough people realise just how insidious addictions are. The addicts are not bad people they just make bad choices and a lot of the time the children are casualties of those bad decisions. But in my experience addicts are very clever, manipulative people. They need to be to keep their habit whatever it is going They have “street smarts”. It was you who tried repeatedly to restore this fractured relationship with known reliable “tactics” but the resistance from your Mum to accept her part fully in the situation was not forthcoming. No, rather it was the child’s fault. But she had to defend herself. It is so very sad that she died so young in such tragic circumstances and also sad that she never reached her potential but in a way she did by default, through you. You were there for her at the end when you could have walked away yet you chose to stay then. That’s compassion. Her depression was maybe why she drank. . She had “stuff” she couldn’t face so decided to “self medicate “ with alcohol. Slippery slope if you carry the addiction gene. But at some level it is l think understandable that they want to just to blot out whatever was causing them such pain. So people like us had two choices confirm or rebel. We chose the latter in that we got out. Somewhere along the line something told us that we had to do what was best for us but we still wanted to fix the situation even when as adults it wasn’t actually our responsibility. Thats how deep the trauma goes. And of course you are sad that you missed out on having a Mam. What child wouldn’t be. .? We look up to them to nurture, love, protect and care for us not the other way around. I felt unsafe with the adults around me. Don’t laugh I actually didn’t even want to be born! The world outside didn’t feel safe and I knew it all of my life I even had therapy for it. Anyway when I was 50 my Mum casually says to me, you know me and your Dad weren’t together when I was pregnant with you. I instantly said yes coz I wasn’t prepared for it but then all the jigsaw pieces fitted. A few days later I asked her why and she said oh it was because of his drinking. I felt it before I was born this unsafe world I was about to enter. I think your head shutting down is again you protecting your self. There is too much to process right now and if you let the floodgates open you will get washed away. It’s your brain protecting you I defo think. You have a lot of “stuff” to get through but I get the feeling strongly that you have what it takes. We are survivors not victims and we should celebrate that. And somewhere along the line your Mam needs celebrating too as genetically you are half her.
You take of yourself. Speak soon.
Luv and hugs xx
Hello, so sorry for all the loss you’ve had, I completely understand the way you are feeling I lost my mom 2 years ago April just gone I was raised for a long time by my grand parents and some times felt like they were more my parents and my mom was like my sister she was married from when I was really young and always saw my step dad as my dad as he was the only father figure I had at the time other than my grandad they had a toxic relationship at times as he was a big drinking there marriage broke down just before she passed and she become really hard on drugs which none of us was very aware of at the time he left and never spoke to me or my kids again after finding someone els never even messaged when my mom passed away after being in my life for 24 years i then lost my mom to a overdose as she wasn’t coping well we had a very off and on relationship and had spoke for a few month before her passing but we had just started to form a relationship again and I thought things were getting better in her addiction it felt like I had already lost her then when I actually did it felt like I had lost her all over again after just getting parts of her back I felt like I had lost my mom and dad all at once I felt so hurt and angry and most of all I felt so much guilt I really struggled to live with it all the time that was lost threw not speaking and falling out and all the things we said to each other and everything I should have and could have done the guilt stopped me sleeping and I would suffer with panic attacks I never left my house which coursed me to become really depressed and wanted to end my own life and I no if I didn’t have my children to keep me going I probably would have I didn’t no how to cope with grief but most of all I didn’t no how to live with the guilt I felt sometimes it hard to remember all the good things when there was so many bad things but you can’t be too hard on your self as guilt is also a stage of grief which I think never truly leaves you just learn to live with it and remember parents are meant to look after there children so parent and child relationships works both ways you did what you new was best at the time and I think if she was here to day also with my mom they would have done so much different too we are only human I used to bottle everything up after I lost my mom because I thought no one would want to here or people would think I was silly for thinking and feeling that way but speaking about it helped me so much I got me out of the darkest of days and how you are feeling is so normal x