Hi everyone, it’s now been nearly four years years since my mum passed away, and it does not get any easier. I think about my mum every single day. I still feel guilty about how my mum died as I should have seen how ill she was. Nobody seems to understand how I feel and they think I should have moved on by now. There are times I don’t think I should be happy, as my Mum is no longer here. There are times I wish I was dead. I just wish I could turn back the clock and be with my mum again. By the way, I’m not planning to jump off the front doorstep (terrified of heights). It would be great if someone could help me. Pam.
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Hello, you do sound in a bad place but pleased you don’t like heights. It could be an idea to to look at counselling even if you had some earlier, it may help you now. It’s funny how we are supposed to get over losing some one very special and clear them from our minds but it’s not possible if they meant so much to you. Please don’t worry about what others say or think, it’s you that matters. Be kind to yourself and don’t think about the ‘what ifs’ you did you very best and no one could have done more. Please be kind to yourself. S xx
-https://www.cruse.org.uk/
-https://www.sueryder.org/online-bereavement-counselling
Both offer free counselling sessions.
Hi Spam
I feel exactly the same as you. 3 years next month since my mum died of a sudden brain haemorrhage. Her post mortem revealed health issues that I should have noticed as she lived with us ,but I was so busy working, looking after a child and generally living.
Now she is gone and I am never truly happy. I make an effort for my daughter and partner but mum is always on my mind and there is sadness in everything I do.
I don’t post much anymore as the recently bereaved don’t really want to talk to someone who is 3 years further on, but I saw your post and had to comment.
Time heals nothing.
Cheryl x
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@Spam oh no you sound in a bad way if you don’t mind me saying. I was living in hope that grief for my mum would be easier to bear. It’s been just over a year now. I think some of the phrases you’ve used like " feeling guilty" and others expecting you to" move on" might be an indicator that you need support. I’m not sure about counselling because it wasn’t a good experience for me. I see a psychiatrist and have done for many years . Long before mum became very unwell. My first referral for this came from my gp but these days I don’t know how easy it is to get into the system. What I would say though is that grief has no time limit, it’s not linear and we all just have to do the best we can. Please take care of yourself because 4 years of feeling so low must be taking its toll on you x
@C1971 I’m so sorry that you feel so bad. Losing our mother is such a huge life transition that I cannot envisage life ever being the same. I have regrets and guilt about my mum’s passing ( January 2021) and all our end of life choices were removed because of covid. I am trying not to dwell on my negative thoughts and moving forward I’m meditating and using breathing exercises for panic. It’s so hard to just " be" with my feelings when I meditate but the more I practice then I do notice a small improvement. Sending love your way x
Thankyou and you too.
Like you I didn’t get on with counselling/CBT and just chose to get on with things ‘my way’
I personally don’t think I will ever improve from where I am because I miss my mum so much and the void that she left will always be there.
Instead, I accept my grief and how much it affects my life. I’m not sure that anyone ever moves on…they just learn to live with it.
I think that meditation or maybe yoga might be good for me too. I prefer aerobic exercise and running but I never really relax and practise mindfulness and I should x
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@C1971 hi there. Yes at the moment I’m not really bothering with cardio. It doesn’t help that I’m having some dreadful post it symptoms at this time as well. Mum’s left a void which is impossible to fill but I think the mindfulness practice can only be a good thing. I find it difficult mind. I have a lot of racing thought that I find difficult to control, so sitting still is a challenge.
I hope that in time you are able to find some peace x
Thankyou and you too x
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Spam, IMHO you are perfectly normal to be grieving your Mum at the four year point. Society, might want the bereaved to move on swiftly from loss, but that’s unrealistic.
I believe we move forward with the loss and grief. Hopefully, it gets ‘one day’ considerably less painful and hard. I know I’ll always miss my Mum and I’ll grieve her loss perhaps forever.
I’m moving towards the third year.
We all grieve differently. I hang on to the hope, that true acceptance of the loss will come one day. Take care
@Spam and @C1971 I fully expect to still be making comments on here after the " normal" prescribed timescale for grief. It’s important that everyone has a safe place to air their emotions without fear of being judged. I am very hard on myself in general, and I am trying to learn to be a bit kinder to myself as I know this is what mum would want. In any case, who gets to dictate just how long, and in what way we express our grieving our emotions and then hopefully heal x
My mum passed away just before Christmas, I found her barely conscious following a massive stroke. It took her 4 days to pass. I’m totally alone in the world now. I miss her every day, she brought me up on her own and we have always been close. My life now has a massive void.
Finding your mum like that must have been so hard. My mum was fine when I saw her. I dropped her off laughing and joking for a small operation and was going back to collect her afterwards. But I got a call to say she had suffered a bleed on the brain while chatting to the doctor.
When I arrived she was unconscious and died the following day. I will never forget seeing her being wheeled out of the ambulance with tubes everywhere. I never saw her again.
Losing our mums is so massive. I hope you’re doing OK.x
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It has hit me really hard. I suffer with depression and anxiety so this has knocked me for six.
@PK73 oh no that terrible shock with losing your mum has surely made your mental health difficulties worse then? I am already being treated for a personality disorder but last summer I had a massive relapse of anxiety and depression symptoms which remain poorly controlled. I believe this is a reaction to my mum’s death and also the difficulties adjusting to life without mum’s physical presence in it. We looked after her for many years at home but covid put pay to our end of life plans. I feel so guilty mum was admitted to hospital and never left. These days I try to include meditation and deep breathing exercises into my day. At first I thought no way would this make a difference but I am surprised to say that sitting with uncomfortable feelings is forcing me to confront my grief. This has been very difficult indeed and I have a long way to go but sometimes making a small positive change each day MIGHT alleviate some of your suffering. Take care x
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Pk73,
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your Mum. Dreadful that it was just before Xmas too.
I’m glad you’ve found this site, as the people here understand how painful and raw loss feels.
You’ll always have someone here who will reply.
It’s a lovely site. Take care.
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I lost my mother 7 months ago and my life has turned upside down . I pine to b with her again and turn back clock. I feel like I should have done more . It’s not easy . I visit her grave everyday and pray that Allah will soon let me join her .
Hi Pam,
Really sorry to hear of the loss of your mum. 4 years seems nothing in the grand scheme of things of how much time you will have shared together so I suspect it’s very rare. I used to get the guilt feelings of enjoying any remote aspect of life like a holiday or a trip to the theatre given mum (and my dad too) had died. That’s easing somewhat but my mum died of Covid she contracted in hospital. She originally went in with Sepsis, which would have killed her if I’d have left her at home that week. So mum’s death would be beyond my control. Given you’re still struggling with guilt maybe seeing a counsellor to try work through the origins of this guilt & gain acceptance may help?
I’ve recently began reading a book called “we all know how this ends” about death & grief. There was a paragraph in it I read today that I sent to a friend & I think it’s poignant to your circumstances…“letting someone go, letting someone die, is not defeatist. Acceptance of the reality of our mortality is to not give up on hope, on love, on life. Acceptance allows for a peaceful letting go. Let them go with your love. Let them go with your blessing. Let them go knowing you’ll be OK. You didn’t give up. They didn’t give up. Nature did her job.” Sending lots of love to you Pam x