Sorry to hear that Trevor me too haven’t left the house since last Thursday the anxiety is overwhelming yes the Hadrian clinic is at the Newcastle General Hospital although most if it has shut down there I was born at that hospital My Edward was being cared for at the new Cramlington Specialist Hospital I hope you have a safe trip as bittersweet it will be in my thoughts Adele x
Hi Trevor
Putting it simply I think we’ve all got mental health issues, in fact I don’t think it, I know it.
Two friends came over today, husband and wife. We’ve been friends since we were teenagers and they are really close to me. We walked this morning, I made lunch (heated it up) and then they went off together back to their other life. I can’t begin to tell how lost I became so quickly and I’ve hardly moved since they went six hours ago. I know I’ve got to deal with that but I can’t just now. I feel like I’ve plunged from a relative high to the depths of despair. Hopefully I regain something tomorrow but I’m not sure what the something is.
It’s not that surprising that our mental health is so compromised. We try to stick a plaster on but it always works loose. What is the answer. Where do we find it. I’m going to keep looking.
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Omg that is heartless and disgraceful what type of world are we in now for people to think those awful words let alone say them x
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There must be something in the air at the moment,I too have fallen into a terrible black gloom after some not too bad days.I am supposed to be working today but am still in bed and will stay here,I feel like I have a huge heavy brick hanging from my heart.Thinking of you all,Corinna xx
Let us know how you get on at the doctors.Sending you strength,Corinna xx
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For me a mental health issue is quite simply something that compromises our sense of wellbeing. It’s not just “a thing”, it’s multi faceted, it could quite easily be just a way of thinking or feeling with the potential to deepen and become much worse.
In a similar vein I think that grief isn’t just “a thing” and that it’s just a word used to describe a whole range of things.
Following on from that, and how we use language and then how that becomes distorted as the story is passed on it may be that the woman didn’t actually say that in as few words. If I think back to the death of my mother a couple of years ago, it became obvious that it was going to end badly. She couldn’t eat as her oesophagus was shot, drinking was difficult and when I saw her I saw what looked like a skeleton covered in clingfilm. I admit to hoping that she didn’t have to battle on much longer and whilst I would use the words “I’m glad she is dead” I did use words that could easily have been construed as such, despite being extremely sad.
In a way it was a similar mixture of emotions when my wife died in August after watching her deterioration and suffering. My aunt died a few weeks later. She was 98 and she had expressed the wish to die for months. She said she didn’t live, she existed. I remember thinking when I got the news how pleased I was that her suffering was over and how I would miss her.
In each case it wouldn’t take much for my comments to become distorted in the telling, and even more so when it was added that I benefitted financially.
There are plenty of contributors on the forum who state a wish to die. Were we to find out they had, should we just be glad for them.
I suppose that’s a very long way of saying it’s complicated.
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I think you’ve hit the nail on the head YL - it’s complicated!
I think that because we know that we can, and probably, will have days like that we might learn how to handle it better. I suppose I mean that I hope that as much as think it. One day we might have worked out coping strategies that we can “switch on”. We are learning as we live on, not in a formal way but incidentally. It just seems a bit further to fall now. Is it a brick or a lead weight. I keep trying to work it out and whether it really grows and shrinks.
I hope your day gets a bit easier and the brick shrinks to a pebble.
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Bless you Corinna. I go to bed each night this week promising myself I’ll do all sorts the next day. When the day comes I can’t be bothered. Not got to missing work as yet, I’m back in tmrw. We have such a lovely home and I’m struggling to be consistently bothered with it. I go in fits and starts. Many more fits than starts at the moment unfortunately. I think I’ve realised after efforts with our home over the last few weeks that none of it makes any difference. I don’t seem to be able to enjoy my efforts anymore. I’m still here alone without anyone to share it with. I then tell myself my husband didn’t go. He’s still here. I do believe he is in so many ways but it’s so damned hard without his physical presence. It’s unbelievable how much we change as people isn’t it when this happens to us. A character that has been me all my life no longer appears to be. I seem to have changed so much in so many ways. Not particularly for the good either I don’t think. I don’t ever think about the future. I live simply from one day to the next and that is enough for me. I don’t have any expectations that this lost feeling will ever go away. I’ll carry on trying my best on a daily basis because I feel I owe that to my husband as well as myself but, right now I’m not making such a good job of it.
I hope you start to feel more able to deal with your pain again soon. God bless us all x
Good conversation going on here. I understand cw13 and I have days where motivation fails me. However, I find to keep busy for me is key, if only to stop that ‘brick or lead weight’ from dragging me under. It’s the DIY stuff that baffles me. It’s hard, very hard. I’m currently in the process of filling, sanding down and painting our big double gates. I’m afraid it doesn’t come naturally to me. My husband did all that kind of stuff. There’s only so much I can ask of others so I’m getting on with it myself and asking for advice along the way. I’m ok with gardening as the garden has always been my domain. It’s the rest of the stuff. There’s always so much to do as well as the housework. Plus I have to clean the toilets now - I never cleaned the toilets! My husband always did that. My head is full of what’s got to be done so I have to make a list if only to clear some head space. My husband used to make lists, I never did. And so this is my life now and it stinks but I have to get on with it. It’s sink or swim. I’m like a duck, all calm and serene on the top but paddling like hell below the surface. But I will swim! As all of you will - we have to. Swim with me y’all. xx
Can I just say I cannot see the point of such a comment and defence of it. Does it give anyone any comfort? I felt Yorkshire Lad gave a view that was and rightly pointed out we cannot be sure what truly sits behind someone’s comment or actions.
Sorry, my response was to Bristles
I hear you Kate and you’re right. Lack of motivation does encourage the brick or lead weight but, I do think we can keep too busy and deny the reality whilst doing so. I feel times of acceptance in allowing down days are necessary. I only speak for myself obviously. I believe I can be in denial if I stay too busy and then when I do stop it is all too consuming. I can’t dodge the grief, I’ve tried. When it comes it comes and rather than jumping up again as soon as it does and busying myself (which is what I’ve done in previous times) in the hope I can play the avoidance card, I’ve decided to let this one be… xxx
I absolutely agree cw13 and I hold my hand up to too much busyness. I do come crashing down occasionally and crash I do. I only do now what is necessary. Our gates are absolutely necessary as the rot was beginning to take hold. They should have and would have, been done the summer my husband passed away.
We must never try to ‘dodge the grief’ because it will get us and will always win.
Sending love xx
I think that not everyone is fortunate enough to have had the wonderful loving relationships we on this site have been blessed with. We can’t know the circumstances of this particular lady and maybe she was telling the truth. It’s not for us to judge. However, perhaps on this occasion she may have done well to keep it to herself instead of uttering it out loud. People will never welcome ill of the dead. Perhaps we should feel sorry for her Bristles, for not having known true love, pure joy such as we have. x
I really value virtually everything you write Kate as you have that invaluable mixture of experience and perception. Where we are, you have been. Where you are, we will be.
It’s a great comfort for me to think that time will continue to soften things and I will look at things differently. I’m so grateful for your generosity in sharing all this with us.
I’ve just reread my post and somehow an important word got missed. It should have said “I would not use the words”. That one short word makes a lot of difference. I usually check and I thought I had done.
Hi everyone,
I’m just jumping in here, to say please remember that our community guidelines ask everyone to be supportive and respectful. It is absolutely fine to disagree about a topic, so long as you always express your opinion respectfully and without personal attacks. Nobody here is breaking the guidelines at the moment, but it does seem that some of you are feeling upset by the current subject of the conversation.
You’ve all been giving each other such great support in this long-running conversation. It’s important to remember that everyone here is grieving and emotions can sometimes run high.
You have all had a chance to express your feelings about this particular issue, and perhaps it is now time to move this conversation on and talk about other subjects, in order to protect everyone’s feelings.
Conversations that do break the guidelines can be locked or posts removed, but I hope that this won’t be necessary in this case. If you ever see a post that you think does break the guidelines, it’s best not to reply, but to report it privately to me by clicking the ‘report’ button under the post or emailing me at online.community@sueryder.org.
Ah words!!! They can help or hinder. They can console or make us angry. It’s the context in which they are said or written in that makes the difference. I have no idea of the woman’s motives in saying what she did or why. I am not going to judge. She may be in awful pain and when like that and we can often say things we may after regret. Words are symbols, and as such can so easily be misconstrued. As YL says, one word can make all the difference. But if we write and talk with love and understanding then we can do no harm. It was St Augustine who said ‘Love, and do what thou wilt’. This was not a license for bad behaviour because if you love with the love he was talking about you would never harm or hurt anyone, no matter how badly you may be treated.
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Look at that tiny baby with Harry and Megan. How can you not smile. How the world revolves… and it’s so good to see love, happiness and smiley faces as it does so :))x
I know this post is out of context from the rest. I did it on purpose!