Loss of my Beautiful Mum

I’ve recently lost my beautiful Mum and was her caregiver for a number of years
She had to go into hospital last November for treatment and while she was there she was treated very badly
I made a complaint several times and was told I wasn’t allowed to visit her anymore
I’d also made it my business to stay in her room overnight in a sleeping bag and witnessed bad stuff happening on several occasions
Around about February she was discharged back home and I was relieved that she wouldn’t have to endure that terrible place anymore!,
Unfortunately after two weeks at home she became unwell and had to return to hospital
I was allowed to visit her for one hour due to COVID rules, but beginning of March this year I received a call from the hospital to tell me the worse news I could ever hear
Everything had been on auto pilot since that day, and I can’t accept what’s happened and just in denial about everything
After I arranged the service for her I thought I’d never make it past that point
My two uncles and aunt and my sister didn’t attend my mums service and I’ve now disassociated myself from them!, they wasn’t on speaking terms with my mum but assured me that they would attend
So it was just me there on the day with no support or comfort from family or friends
I feel angry about that!, but at lest I showed dignity and respect towards my Mum
I’m now feeling completely alone and isolated because my caring responsibility’s have ended, I just exist from day to day with little hope of ever recovering
I do visit my mum every Sunday and also my grandmother is there too, so she’s not alone
I’ve been getting myself in bad situations recently and feel very unwell in myself
Can’t really see how I can continue like this, but only time will tell,
I’ve had no support or help from anyone and have had to bring all my mothers belongings back to my place before I have the keys back to her place
Now I’m snowed under at my place with bags and boxes which I just can’t bare to open and sort out, my life is a nightmare now!, with little hope of ever getting back to normal,:-((

Hi Numbersix74,

You sound like a very caring son and your mum must have been so grateful for the way you put your own life on hold to look after her. I am sorry that you have had bad experiences with the way she was treated in hospital and that in the end she died there. You are still in he early days of your grief and as you describe: on auto pilot. It is sad that there was no one in your family to support you, not even at the funeral. That must have been such a lonely experience. And now you are faced with all the things that need sorting out. I can undersand that at times it must feel overwhelming.
You say that you are feeling very unwell. Please try to look after yourself, even if you donlt feel like it - make sure you have regular meals, watch your fluid intake and sleep when you can, get some fresh air if you can. Grief takes a lot of energy.
Sometimes it helps if we ask ourselves: what would our mum want us to do? What would she say to me? Have you considered contacting your GP to make sure you do not have any health issues you need help with. He (or she) may also offer to refer you for grief counseling.
Do you have a place where you can store all the bags and boxes out of sight, until you are ready to deal with it? If you have any good friends you can trust, do reach out to them.
It is good that you have joined this site. I hope that you will find some hope and comfort in reading other people’s posts and replies. We are all on here because we have lost loved ones and know how hard it is to grieve their loss. Jo

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I am so sorry you lost your beautiful mum , I lost mine too at the end of January and can relate to all you have said - and yes I too am doing the boxes / bags / clothes clearing and its utterly draining and heartbreaking alongside the shock and grief of losing mum - it is all so hard isn’t it ?
I am doing a little at a time when I feel able but stop when it swamps me , the clothes are the killer emotionally for me and I have found this so so hard , but a local charity near me makes memory quilts so I have kept a lot of items of my mums clothing in pretty colours /designs /embroidery / ones I bought her/ ones she wore to special events etc to have made in her memory into a quilt to snuggle up to and wrap up in, also I have found her button box and am going through it finding buttons that evoke memories from my childhood and those will also be added to the quilt -so although its been painful going through my mums clothes I also had to think about each item as to whether to put it in the charity box or whether to keep it for the memory quilt pile , I know I am lucky to have a charity locally who can make this quilt up for me but I do know that there are companies online that make quilts and memory bears from a loved ones clothes . Sending you a huge hug xx

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Hi Tixy.

What a lovely idea to use some of your mum’s clothes and buttons for a special quilt. Maybe you can post a picture of it on this site when it s finished as an idea for others.

xx Jo

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yes maybe I will do just that once its done - you know it was strange as in the first couple of weeks I found a brand new towel in her cupboard whilst I was going through bedding and towels to give to the Ukraine collectionj and that new towel when I tunred it over had got my mums name embroidered on it with pretty flowers - obviously a lovely gift from someone to her, well I couldnt handle it and just bundled it in with all the other stuff for the charity , and then an hour later something was aaying yes it is so so painful but its too personal with her name on and too lovely to put in with all the others so I pulled it back out and stuffed it in a case with lots of others things to look and at and deal with later - a kind of don’t know case , and I am so glad I did that - as now if it had gone I would be so so sad that I couldn’t use it - as when I mentioned it to the ladies who make the memory quilts they said it could be used if I wanted as part of my quilt and since then that towel and embroidery has become so important and will be a big feature on the quilt , so from something too painful I nearly let go is now a focus and a comfort… just goes to show how perhaps if we can’t cope with something at the time that perhaps we should just park it and take a breath and try again later and see how we feel about it… xx

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