Hi,
I was 6 years old when I lost my dad to cancer 24 years ago. I was with him with my older brother and mum at the hospice, holding his hand as he passed. I attended counselling at the time and again a few years after. As a 30 year old woman now I still struggle with the fear of abandonment and being able to regulate my emotions and reactions. This has led me to have very unstable relationships and friendships.
I feel silly for still experiencing some form of grief after he passed away so long ago. Like I’m not worthy to grief any more because it happened so long ago and I should be over it now.
I have a child now who is 5, nearing the age that I was when I watched my dad die. This has made me realise how innocent and young I was when I experienced this trauma. I feel sorry for the little girl that watched her dad die at 6, but feel totally disconnected from her. As if it wasn’t me and I’m watching it from an outsiders perspective.
Is there anyone else who is in a similar situation? I’d really like to hear how you handle life, relationships and your reactions to triggers.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad, @xhlwx. Your grief is real and important. It’s completely understandable that your daughter nearing the age you were when your dad died would make you reflect on just how young and innocent you were to experience such a devastating loss.
You are not alone. If you have a look at some of the posts in our loss as a young adult section, you can read more from members who were bereaved young too. @Lou1702 lost her dad when she was 9 and talks about how journalling helps her to feel connected to him in this thread.
You mention that you’ve had counselling previously - do you think it might be a good idea to revisit this? We offer free online bereavement counselling that’s held via video chat. You can find out more on our website.
I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts too. Take care and keep reaching out,
Seaneen
Hi, I’m Lou1702 from the other thread that was suggested. I also lost my dad very young (when I was nine), I’m an adult now too and it’s definitely not easy!
I’m similar to you, I often forget just how young I actually was and I get quite emotional when I look back at photos of my self when I was a child. It’s hard looking back and realising you were just a child going through such an ‘adult’ experience. I quite often look back and just want to give that little girl a cuddle and let her know it all works out okay.
Feel free to reach out if you’d like to chat. Please know you’re not alone and there’s no expiry date on grief, it’s perfectly normal to be feeling upset years later.
I too have struggled with relationships, particularly romantic ones, I think it’s easy to forget that what happens to us as children does impact how we function as adults. I’ve found that counselling has been such a relief, I’ve been able to work through a lot of those feelings that I have carried with me into adulthood. Like I said in my previous thread, I have found such peace in journaling and art (not very good quality art, more like doodles lol), but I’ve felt that it’s really helped me to feel connected to my dad.
I hope you have a lovely day, like I said, feel free to reply/reach out. I’m more than happy to have a chat 