Hi to everyone going through their own battles with health, bereavement or anything else that is effecting your every day life.
I lost my 27 yr old daughter on 5th June 2019, she was taken from me by her abusive, cowardly ex partner who murdered her in her own home while her and her 2 children slept. It is an image i can never get out of my head seeing my beautiful 1st born murdered in her bed, the coward rang to say what he had done and i raced up, arriving before the police, to find my daughter had gone He has ruined so many lives and took an innocent life because he was a narcissistic, jealous, cowardly, coercive, controlling abuser. It may have been 3 and a half years but it still feels like yesterday to me, especially when there still hasn’t been a full inquest yet due to GMP denying they failed my daughter, which the IOPC agreed with GMP but i totally disagreed with so took it further, now the DHR has come back from the Home Office it has proven that GMP and other professional bodies failed my daughter hugely so now her final full inquest will hopefully be around June 2023 after the coroner asked it to be an article 2 in front of a jury and lasting 4 weeks. I should get the final inquest date at my daughters 3rd and final pre inquest which is on 27th Jan 2023.
Since losing my daughter my physical and mental health plummeted and over the 3 and a half years since her death i have spent approximately 2 years of that in mental health units, my last admittance being from Dec 2021 to Apr 2022. Whilst an in patient i discovered my son had been diagnosed with oral cancer, which was another huge body blow to me. I was told it was treatable with radio and chemo but after several weeks Christies informed me the treatment hadn’t worked and his cancer was terminal. I was devastated but determined to get myself better so i could be discharged and spend as much time as possible with my son, who was 22 yrs old. I was discharged in April of this year and my son sadly passed away on 4th July but those last 3 months i spent every second with him, the last 3 weeks of which he spent in Christies and i stayed in the families accommodation on the same ward but very rarely left his bedside. He passed away peacefully on the morning of July 4th, taking his oxygen tube from his nose, looking at me he smiled, closed his eyes and went to sleep for the final time I miss him and my daughter so much. Their birthdays are coming up soon too, which is hard for me. My sons is 7th Dec and my daughters 24th Dec. It never gets any easier.
Oh my goodness I don’t know where to start, I am so sorry that you have lost your two children in such terrible circumstances and it’s understandable that you are in turmoil. Reading your story made me cry as it’s so desperately sad and I can’t begin to imagine how you cope with your losses on a daily basis as you await final inquests.
All I can do is send you a hug and hope that you get every answer that you so rightly deserve
Lots of love Jen x
Dear Dave
Your so sad story has reduced me to tears but it does bring it home that there are people out there suffering more than yourself.
I can understand your frustration and you now need some closure where the details of your daughters death is concerned, of course there will be no closure for you but hopefully in time you will feel strong enough to pick up the pieces of your life. Then to have your so young son taken away from you is so terribly cruel.
I hope you are still receiving every bit of support you deserve.
My thoughts are with you.
xxx
I am so sorry for the devastating losses of your daughter and son, @DaveT69. You have had so much trauma and pain to endure. Thank you for bravely sharing your story with us.
I just wanted to ask if you are getting any support right now? There is an organisation called The Compassionate Friends which support families who have lost children of any age. You can find them here: https://www.tcf.org.uk/
Support After Murder or Manslaighter (SAMM) also offer support to bereaved parents, including peer support. If you would like to find out more, they are here: https://samm.org.uk/
Omg Dave, I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter and then your son. There is no measurement for sadness but to cope with the things you have had to deal with is unimaginable.
I lost my son 29th August after 2.5 years of treatment for melanoma. He was at the Christie from Nov 2020 after being under a hospital in North Wales where he never even met an oncologist after a stage 4 diagnosis. Covid caused delays too. After a huge tumour removed from his bowel in Nov 2020 and being transferred to the Christie he was doing really well till the end of May this year after 24 immunotherapy sessions. Started getting headaches and vomiting, mri scan results 24th June multiple brain tumours. He lost the battle 10 weeks later. I’m absolutely devastated so cannot begin to imagine how you are feeling. I am numb with sadness. Im so, so sorry for your losses. Its so cruel.
Thinking of you.
I’m so sorry to hear about your son and daughter. It’s horrendous my heart goes out to you. I lost my 20 year old son James on my birthday this year in march. He had a progressive neurological condition. That started at 16. No explanation for this but for over 3 years I saw my son slip away from me. He lost his speech mobility. Tubes everywhere breathing equipment. I’ve 2 other sons twins aged 29 with autism who live with me… I’m glad there my rock. Its such a cruel world. If you ever need to chat please message. My lifes not the same anymore it’s just an existence. Sending strength xx
I am so, so sorry to read some of what you’ve been through. It’s two absolutely devastating losses. Your strength and love shines through. It’s a tribute to you that you found the strength to share it. I don’t have any clever answers but I wish you at least some measure of peace in time. I send my love and thoughts. I hope you keep posting. You will get support and care here. It’s something at least that can help even a tiny bit. I send you respect and loving thoughts as you try to navigate life after such beyond painful experiences xxxx
Hi nell2 thankyou for your reply that’s so lovely. I’m also on compassionate friends website. Me and my autistic sons get bereavement counselling every 2 weeks provided by the hospice. Sadly I had endured an ex abusive partner who manipulated me. And preyed on my vunerable state whilst looking after James throughout and after his passing. He said in week 6 "I need to get my head together as I were a nearly 50 year old deranged women…he also wanted me to help him with his gambling addiction and would I help him out of a bad place…this were 6 weeks after James passing. This man dated me through him going through divorce. His ex wife had a court order in the marriage…BUT I’m strong I’m brave and I’ve got away. I looked after James single handed and 2 autistic sons. But I’m a self helper which I’m doing. Besides helping others with my sons condition. Raising awareness… xxx
Well done you for getting away from an abusive relationship. That’s hard to do in the good times but a huge feat after all you have been through. You are strong and you are brave and you deserve some good things in your life. Good you are your children have counselling. I’ve found it really helped me and first lesson I’m trying to learn is letting go of people who don’t respect me. None of us here deserved to lose our children, but we are where we are and somehow we are coping. Not perfectly but doing good enough despite the overwhelming pain. We can help ourselves by valuing ourselves which is really very hard indeed but for me the only other option is to stay home, avoid everyone and turn into a bitter person. I’m getting all the help I can from counselling, compassionate friends and friends who I trust. I will never be the person I was before but I can, in time, still lead something like a meaningful existence. One of the things I am trying to do is show my grandkids that I’m strong, their mum has gone but I’m still here and I am listening and I love them and my love is unchanged. I’ve said to them to come to me for anything that they would have gone to their mum for. I hope it’s helping them. Losing a child is a minefield of yearning, pain and loss and guilt. It’s all inside most of the time but I don’t want my grandkids feeling that they can’t talk about their mum. They are teenagers and should be out partying not grieving their mum. But we are where we are and they have been forced to lose too much way before they should. It happens to way too many families. Xxx
Yes your right everything changes. I just feel I’m existing every day. I don’t sleep well at night. I do try wherever possible walking with the boys. This helps massively. The boys are a rock for me. I sometimes watch “julia samuel” on YouTube about “grief”. It’s just trying to do little things that give you some respite from it. I’m not just dealing with the grief it’s the abuse plus trying to keep in one piece for the lads and there needs. It sounds like your doing your best xx
You are doing your best too. That’s all we can do. We aren’t god and we can’t change the past but we are trying to find a way to live again despite everything. Some people either can’t or won’t help. We have to carry on regardless of that, somehow. We can’t do it anybody else’s pace, it has to be at the pace that our grieving allows. Sending you all kind thoughts xx
I am so sorry.
My daughter was involved with a controlling coercive partner who kept her from her friends and family.
She finally got the courage to leave and come home to me only to be killed 5 days later in a car accident. I believe he was on the phone to her giving abuse etc.
he killed her!!
