Can’t eat , sleep . Love our home which we created together but can’t stand the empty sofa opposite me . The silence , the dark gnawing pit of sorrow inside my stomach. The empty bed , the lack off conversation , no presence at meals , no cuddles , no support or protection and most of all wonderful smell of him . Like a mellow huge lemon azalea . I am in such a bad place .
There is no help out there . I have exhausted every avenue given . A checklist and signposting exercise without any availability.
The doctor can’t help as they share the same list . I am normally strong , a stoic . I have lost those I love before . My sister before her time my brother , father , mother and now my Acushla who I absolutely adored . I am hollowed out with grief .
Friends :
I have been told that ‘they ‘ don’t wish to see me because my grief might affect them . That they are ahead in terms of time served grieving and do not wish to be ‘drawn back’ . This leaves me without precious support from the only surviving people I have left in my age group .
I have been present for all the people in my life during hardship and need . I wish someone was there for me . To date I have lived for my husband to organise the service and collect the ashes . I miss his warmth so much , the very essence of him . He was an extraordinary gentleman . Gentle , highly intelligent , forged in a time and place which created in him a unique individual . I am quite undone and don’t see a way forward without him . Christmas is coming up and I am dreading it . I can’t eat because we always ate together . I am trying to distract , sensory , all the coping mechanisms are not working . I don’t want to feel like this . I’m lost , all at sea , can’t think , can’t breath at times , panic attacks in the early hours horror of how he died and why . Told I have had dissociation and now a little ptsd . I just can’t get help . I’m not a hysteric or attention seeking . I have been swallowing my grief; it’s now like a huge stone stuck in my throat and a black gnawing in my gut . I don’t want to cause others discomfort . There are no tears outwardly . I am smiling while my heart is breaking . I don’t know how to help myself anymore … I have failed myself . My husband has lost his llfe , a life he loved . We loved our llfe together so much . Now it’s over and I feel over also …
@Wisteriaalba, I can hear the sheer pain, exhaustion and heartbreak in your words. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and of the life you loved together.
I just wanted to give your thread a gentle, “bump”, as it really sounds like you could use some hope and support from someone who has been there, too. Take good care and please keep reaching out,
Seaneen
Wisteriaalba, I could have written those words myself. I am so sorry you find yourself here. You are not alone and everyone here recognises your pain.
I too have been told. ‘you’ll be alright, you’re strong’!! That was from someone who is not in our situation. Like you I have lost both my parents, a brother, sister and niece- but this loss is on a completely different level.
I wish I could say something to take your pain away - if only it were that easy!
Keep posting on here. It’s been a lifeline for me, engaging with people who truly understand x
Thank you so much for your lovely message and for your empathy and understanding. I am so very sad to hear that you are also suffering such a devastating loss .
My thoughts are with you during this difficult time . Thank you so much for your kind response 
🫶🏻:sparkles:
Oh my , how kind you all are here and understanding x . Thank you so much for your response . After the complete void I have experienced in terms of support , empathy and understanding the response has been heartening 🫶🏻:sparkles:
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@Wisteriaalba I am so sorry for you . It is unimaginable that we should lose out soulmates so early . I think you are in the shock stage and that is a very difficult place to be . I excepted help from the doctor . At least I sleep now . I hope it gets easier for you my love
Wisteriaalba, everything you are feeling and thinking is completely normal. We have all been in your shoes. It is just awful and no one can help, really.
Numb, panicked, exhausted, sad, depressed, scared, filled with anxiety, not sleeping, not eating, staying in with the shades down, nausea, intestinal issues, walking in a fog in circles, sobbing and your heart hurts? All normal.
I thought I would never get my brain back or sleep again. I lost 10 lbs. It is now exactly 12 weeks and the fog is lifting a bit and my brain usually works.
We have all lost the lives we had, the husbands or wives we loved and even worse, the life we planned with them. Essentially, we lost our lives and are in limbo struggling to figure out how to do this alone.
I haven’t cried but once since my husband’s funeral and it was because I couldn’t get the tires on his vehicle filled with air. I bawled in the mechanic’s shop.
Yes, we tell everyone we are okay while our insides tremble in fear and confusion. I tell people “I am okay, there are no words, it is indescribable”.
I completely understand widows who are further along not wanting to relive their own heartache and when they comfort us, they do. They hurt too.
Take life hour by hour. Feed yourself nutrient dense food and force yourself to eat, even if it is 2 bites at a time throughout the day. Keep hydrated, take your meds and vitamins, feed and water the plants, the pets, and pay the bills.
If you get 4 hours of sleep each day, you will be tired, but okay. It will get better. I am getting 7.5 now. Takes time.
You will survive, we all will.
Take out your favorite photo of your husband and when the bad visions come into your head, look at the photo of him when he was young, healthy and happy. We do not have to remember the worst scene when there were so many great ones. If I think of how I found my husband, I want to puke. So I switch to his happy face, when life was carefree.
Much, much love to you.
I’m sorry for your loss. I have lost both parents, 3 brothers and 2 sisters but nothing compares to losing your soulmate. In a few years i went from being part of a big family and married to being an orphan, only child and widow.
I too felt very alone and lost but I’ve good friends and neighbours. More importantly we all have people on here. Everyone on here knows exactly how you feel and are quite willing to talk to you about it.
Unfortunately, we are all part of a club that none of us wanted to join. There are people on here whenever you need them, day or night. Very often when I can’t sleep I come on here, read some of the posts and see that others are having or have had exactly the same feelings as me.
Pesonally, I can’t see that we ever get through losing that special person but I have to believe we learn to cope in our own way. Everyone used to say take it day by day or hour by hour. I’d say to you, take in minute by minute. One minute at a time is quite enough to think about at the beginning. I couldnt think any further ahead than that.
We’re all here for you.
Sending you love and big hugs. XxX
Oh everything you say is everything I am feeling , I lost my wonderful, kind, patient husband in October and I just cannot accept this, my heart is broken, I cry constantly- I miss him so very much it hurts, everything I try to do is such an effort and pointless, I keep reliving the same upsetting things in my head over and over again, my chest hurts as though I cannot breathe. I don’t want a future without him- he is my other half- I just want him back.
Im sitting herè now crying my eyes out l miss Steve so much I just want to be with him. Ive got to go through Christmas because of my family and I know im blessed to have them but hes not here. I just want him. I hate this bloody grief but I cannot see a way out of it. My love to you all xxx
I have just made a cup of tea the one Alan used to make , I always said it was the best cup of the day, I too cannot see a way out of this heat breaking grief, I dread the day ahead. If it wasn’t for my son I have no reason to be here.
Thinking of you and everyone going through this x
Dahlia2 , how’s your day been ?
I thought I would try and have a coffee and scone but couldn’t eat it just wanted to leave the cafe , took the dogs for our walk on the beach and literally just wanted to lie down and cry , I even shouted his name - I felt so lost and empty. My head and heart hurts so much.
Rubyroo 12 I feel better today as I had a very good friend stay over last night. Been for a walk this morning and met some other friends. People are so kind but its not till the night falls when I feel so alone. Everybody has their own lives and im trying really hard to be strong. I miss Steve so much my heart is broken. I just want xmas to be over. Love to all xxxx
It’s only weeks since . I have been told that I am suffering from ptsd ? The sudden awakening in a cold sweat from reliving what happend and the nightmares in the early hours . I also have a little dissociation apparently . My husband was such an extraordinary and unique gentleman . So unique and so thoughtful considerate and warm hearted .
Thank you for your understanding and your kind words and understanding
Thank you so much for sharing your own experience of loss with me . I am so very sorry for your profound sense of loss . I do hope that the pain we all feel will ease as our journey progresses . These feelings of loss are so difficult . Thank you all for being so supportive and kind
So sorry for the slight gibberish ! I’m not sleeping well but trying and still not eating well . It’s hard but I am reading the wonderful advice you are all sharing here and trying of put some of the ideas into action . Thank you all so much
I’m so please do hear that you have had someone stay over and that this helped . Sending empathy compassion and warmest wishes for continued improvement . Thank you so much for sharing your own journey with us . This really helps
Thank you so much for your helpful words and direction . I don’t know what to say other than I am so very sorry for your loss . It is clear that you speak from a place of experience empathy and compassion for which I send heartfelt appreciation
Hello Wisteriaakba
Firstly, I am so sorry you lost your lovely man. The same happened to me, suddenly and unexpectedly in October.
I was also told I have been suffering from PTSD, and I am now receiving trauma counselling. I have been numb and not been able to cry, apart from when I watched him pass away, and when I saw his coffin. The counselling is helping me to slowly go past the shock and flashbacks, and release the grief. So I am now able to cry more.
It is a long process for us all, and only others who have experienced losing a loved one will know that the advice from those who don’t know ’ to be strong’ at this stage isn’t helpful. I’m fact, I tell them this.
The other thing I don’t like is when people say ’ Tony wouldn’ t like you to be sad’. Wrong again!
This is one of the reasons I like this forum so much. People have empathy and know what it feels like.
For me, living alone now is the hardest. The empty chair and bed.
Thinking of you x
Judy Peach, I moved to the middle of the bed, there are no “sides” anymore. It helps. My husband sat in the same spot for 20 years and the cushions are shaped like him, like he just went to the kitchen for a snack.
I go by what I would want if the shoe were on the other foot and my husband had been left behind. I would want for him to live every minute to its fullest.
Just can’t get there yet. Waiting for “the fullest”.
Much love.