My mum passed away only a month ago. She had lung cancer but was doing well with it until she got Covid last xmas and then she got worse. I wasn’t coping well in the lead up to her funeral but was busy planning it so had a focus. People have told me that after the funeral you’re supposed to experience closure but I feel worse. I visit mums grave daily. I’ve been signed off work for another 2 weeks but feel that maybe I should go back? How long have any of you been signed off work for?
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Hi @Franka I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, my heart goes out to you 
, I lost my dad 5 years ago to lung cancer and even though it has been that long it doesn’t make it any easier to come to terms with if I’m honest with you, grief unfortunately is here to stay and I think we just learn to live along side it in our everyday lives, I too visit my dad’s grave on a regular basis, I’m sorry that you are struggling but this amazing site and amazing people will help to support you the best we can! I think you should only go back to work when you feel ready as going back to soo can have the opposite effect if that makes sense? I had a month off in total if I remember rightly and I didn’t feel it was enough but needed to for financial reasons, but it is down to you and your feelings on it. Lorraine xxxx
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Hi Franka, sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on 30th Jan. I was off from work for 2.5 weeks but had to resume working but honestly I would recommend taking as many days as you can. For me it was not an option. I had 0 productivity and I still not able to contribute much. The manager has been understanding so far but I think she won’t keep doing that
Some people say work distracts but for me it was not the case. My brain overpowers everything and makes me think about only my pain.
Maybe ask your manager if you can resume part time for a week or two and see how you are doing and then decide if you want and can take more weeks off.
Take care and keep talking here. Everyone is so nice and helpful.
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Hi @Franka,
Devastated at your loss and I too didn’t find any closure after my mums farewell ceremony but luckily my boss gave me as much compassionate leave off as I wanted/needed.
It’s very much dependent on how you are feeling. I know that sounds stupid but for weeks after her funeral I couldn’t function and as I shared a house with her I was left in our house in my own it was hard especially as it was over Xmas. My boss gave me a provisional return date so I was able to try get myself into a routine as my sleep pattern etc was all over the shop. Probably very much everyone else here unfortunately.
Don’t feel pressured to return if you’re not ready but we have things like ‘keep in touch days’ and phased returns if someone has been off for a while…does your company offer things like these? If you’re lucky to have good work mates it’s easier but the first day back with all the pitying looks or people avoiding you I found was the worst.
As Lorraine said unfortunately financial practicality perhaps has to be considered too.
But never do anything that you don’t feel ready to do.
All the best
Suzanne x
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Thankyou for your comment and advice; it really helped x
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Thankyou for your sound advice x
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I really hope you’re ok. My mum passed 6 weeks ago and I’m still off work and can’t see me being ready to return for another month yet. I know if I return to work now that I’ll breakdown and end up going off sick again and then it’ll be even harder to return. Don’t rush back if you can
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I think for me after the busy ness of losing someone then the full on planning of a funeral and all it entails and the mental emotional and physical exhaustion it brings that the funeral is a ritual farewell but although I was there in person I was still in shock and exhausted and in a tunnel of numbness and unreality , I feel that it doesn’t really sink in then … I think for me after the funeral is only the start of the grieving …
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That’s exactly how I feel. I’m back at work but my heart isn’t in it. I cry more since the funeral and feel very numb. It’s sooo hard now it’s just me and dad. Loveliness definitely plays a key part
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Closure?! I detest that phrase actually. I know I will never have nor want “closure” from my grief. As closure means moving on and almost smacks of getting over or forgetting the one you grief for.
No I will never have closure. I think it’s a flippant thing people say who have absolutely no idea.
Closure from a traumatic experience yes. Closure after divorce. Of course. Never would I acquaint grief with closure so who we said that to you should stop and think! It’s not helpful in my opinion. Sorry if I sound angry. That’s cos I am.
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