loss of my mum 4th december

im heartbroken, my beautiful mum died within 4 months of being diagnosed with a cruel cancer… i miss her so much, i lived with her and dad, since Covid,
She was an amazing mum and our connection was so strong… she could tell everything that i thought even without me talking…
the cancer wiped her out, it changed her, made her crazy, ill, the pain was constant, she suffered until the end, i just couldnt help her, i would of given my life for hers, as my dad and mum were so close and in love. Soulmates…
The NHS let her down badly, and it was her profession for 35 years…
im angry at them… they left her without meds for 12 hours, without a drip, without a bed, for 12 hours, she gave up, she looked at me, i said, mum youve had enough, that looks will be with me forever, then she passed
How do i get over such a cruel way to pass, xxx i love her so much


Hi toots1,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother.

Losing someone to terminal cancer in a short space of time is very traumatic. I am struggling with the loss of my own father. I have posted about dad’s illness and passing quite a bit but dad was a very fit and active 70 year old man. We found out in September that he had advanced cancer in his bones and he passed away 8 weeks later.

I moved back in with my parents to provide support as soon as I found out that dad was ill but dad declined rapidly. Dad was given very strong pain meds which sent him agitated and confused and he lost the ability to do even basic tasks. He was in too much pain to even go out in the car or to move even a short distance. There was a hospital admission and numerous doctor call outs as mum and I could not keep him safe (dad was confused and would constantly get up despite being unsteady on his feet).

Dad went to hospice to get the pain meds and confusion under control but he never came round and he died 4 days later with myself, my mum and my brother by his bedside.

I am sorry that your mum was let down by medical staff. I feel that mum and I were not given adequate support and also that dad’s pain wasn’t managed. I felt most of the time that if I wasn’t chasing something up nothing would happen. We had no clue as to what would happen with dad’s illness and it felt like one crisis to the next. This has caused a lot of doubt and guilt for me which is something that people tell me I shouldn’t have, but I still do on a daily basis.

You are not alone. I have no idea how to cope without my dad. I saw him everyday of my life I love him so much and I can’t comprehend that he is no longer here. My mum and dad married for 50 years and she is now without him.

Hopefully someone who has been through this and is further along may have some advice.

Sending love.

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Hi toots1, I have literally just joined this forum today having lost my Mum only on 13th December. I’m so sorry to hear that you too have been through a similar journey to us. My mum was battling 2 primary cancers, we couldn’t believe it. In the end she was really let down by what is meant to be an incredible hospital in Manchester. She was left over 2 months without any contact or treatment. So I can relate to what hist you have said in many ways.
I’m only in my 30’s with a young child, who adored her. My Dad isn’t doing good at all, which is now my new worry. Im hoping time makes things easier for us all. Hoping you can lean on your family and friends. Do pm me if you’d like a further chat. Xxx


oh Katherine im so sorry, its just horrid isnt it, ive never felt a pain like it, its consuming if you let it, which im trying not too.

I also feel guilt, did i do enough, the last weekend we had together, everything went down hill, she had only gone to Clatterbridge to have a scan, and they found clots on her lungs, so they trqnsported her to Arrowe Park and thats where she had the most terrible care and negligence ever, sitting in the cold in a chair for 12 hours waiting for a bed, with no medication and no drip, puking and wretching everywhere, i wish id just taken her home, i begged them for pain relief and nausea relief, we were ignored many times, she ddnt deserve that… im still broken by that weekend, im sure time will heal, but im angry and im going for counselling for help… As i know i need it.
my mum was my world, I miss her so much… my dad is heartbroken so much, we both have to adjust to our new life… its going to be so hard for him… he was totally dependant on mum… i worry now about him. Can i help him? I dont want to be his carer, he would hate it… i also have my life and hoave so many guilt issues when i go out now without him to see my friends…
Its complex isnt it…
i hope ypu are ok. its a horrible time for both of us. But i know people are in the same boat as us, but it does feel avery isolated place

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Hi toots,

It is truly heartbreaking. I’m so sorry to hear of the experience you had with your mum at the hospital. The hospitals do not seem equipped to deal with people with serious illness.

Dad was referred to A&E by the GP with known stage 4 cancer but was in pain for such a long time waiting to see a doctor. No action was taken with giving him a drip to hydrate him until we asked for it. It was a very strange and unnerving experience.

I relate very much to what you said about your dad being dependent on your mum. My mum was very dependent on my dad but much more than I even realised. Mum doesn’t seem to be making any decisions for herself since dad has passed. I am very daunted about life without dad and also how mum will cope. It is so complicated.

Always here if you want to chat.

hey laura, its early days for you too isnt it… It feels so weird wothout her being in the house doing her thing. The house just oozes her every being.
im heartbroken to see dad so lost without her, we both are just bumbling around… he relied so much on her.
hes had a hard year, he was the ill one, then he got better and then mum got ill, so weird, how life pans out.
i hate cancer, this one she had was so aggressive, it made my mum weak small and fragile, crazy, agaited, frightned, not a mum I recognised…
I am truly miserable and such a grumpy bitch at the moment… I dont recognise myself either…
im starting counseliing next week as i know i will need help…
i hope you are ok as you can be. Lets hope this year will be
kinder to us and our families and pets!! My dog nisses her too xxxxx

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I am so sorry for your loss If you need someone who can relate contact me Personal details removed by moderator