Hi, I’m new to this but hoping it might help. In September 2021 I lost my only sister to pancreatic cancer. She was 59. We were so class. Best friends to each other. She was single and tho I’m married my husband supported me to move in with her to care for her during her last year. It was all she wanted. She had so many friends and we did so much that year. I’m lost without her, but worse, some of her closest friends have really turned on me. I’m so shocked and hurt and don’t know if this has happened to anyone else. My sister and I were so bonded, and in the last couple of months she didn’t really want anyone else. She wouldn’t let friends visit. She was in such pain and discomfort and became depressed. Now some if her friends are saying I kept them away and by ‘sweeping in’ I deprived them of caring for her. They have said I kept them away, which is so not the truth, and hurts me terribly. My lovely sis really just wanted me in those last weeks.
My sister left a long list of friends who she wants to choose something from her house to keep as a momento, some of whom are these women who are being so nasty. I will fulfill my sisters wishes, but am not sure how I go about it? Has anyone had experience of this? Facilitating such a list of wishes? About 25 friends and family choosing something from her house. I’m dreading it, on top of feeling so lost.
Thanks so much,
Kate
That should read close, not class.
Dear Kateo
Firstly I want to welcome you to this website. It takes courage to reach out to others as you will know. On here there is support and kindness from others who are experiencing various forms of deep grief.
From my own experience I can appreciate that you and your sister needed no one else at the end of her life. What you shared was special to you both and very private, however, it has caused pain to others close to her who loved her and regret not being able to help. Her death has made them react against you. It is all grief and has many ways of being expressed. For you, at a time when you could have done with support yourself, instead you’ve had to face the hurt of others.
Your sister showed her love for her friends because she wanted each of them to have something of hers to remember her by. Sadly she didn’t realise, they would rather have had precious moments with her.
I’m so sorry you have this to deal with on top of your grief. It sounds like your husband is very understanding and I’m sure he is right there with you.
I hope you find answers, but my personal feeling is that the anger is being directed at you because you are here.
I am not a counsellor so suggest you look at the Samaritans, or there is a counselling service at Sue Ryder; here is the link.
https://www.sueryder.org/online-bereavement-counselling.
I hope you find comfort and answers.
My thoughts are with you,
Miche24
Thank you Miche for replying. It’s just so hard. My sister did know people wanted to see her, and it made her feel so guilty to say no to them coming, but she was in awful pain, and became depressed near the end. I’m so hurt to have people turn on me and blame me for things that are not true. On top of the awful loss of my sister, it just feels so unfair. There is no answer really, but I do think there is something in what you say about the fact that I am here. They can’t be angry with her, but they can with me. Thank you again, K
Dear Kateo
Thank you for replying, it means a lot. Do you know one of the hardest times is knowing someone is dying and you can’t be there, and this is hard for friends. However at such times families have the right of choice and most choose to be private.
Try not to be hurt by others’ reactions, you have done nothing wrong. Hold up your head because you did your sister a real act of love making sure the end of her life was how she wanted it. She must have been so grateful to have you by her side. Remember this.
We are always here for you, so whenever you feel troubled do feel free to unload.
Thinking of you, love
Miche24
Hi Miche that is insightful and lovely thank you. It’s very hard just now and that really helps.
Kate