Loss of my second husband

I lost my first husband 10 years ago, having just retired and looking forward to some relaxing times together, but along came Cancer I nursed him until the end he was at home all the time and I was pleased to have been able to be there and look after him, although I did have help. Then after 18 months I got together with an old friend from our teenage years,. It took a lot of getting used to but we were extremely happy. Mike had also lost his wife, and after much texting e mails and phone calls, he moved in with me and we looked for a place of our own to buy. We were both in our late sixties and after four years we decided to get married. I was 71 and Mike was 72 ( so you never know) .All was fine for a few months the Mike became ill with oesophageal cancer. He had an operation and all was fine for a while until he had a pain in his hip, and eventually we were told it was in the hip muscle and bone. Radiotherapy was tried but last November I lost the most caring lovable man, and to say I’m heartbroken is an understatement. After Christmas I joined some groups locally which helped a lot, not of course the virus has stopped all that making the bereavement process all the more difficult. I’m lucky to live in the country and have a dog which I take for a walk, which helps. I do feel Im coping better as time goes on, but the loneliness at times is awful. This site really does remind us all that we are not alone. Thank goodness for the internet and a Sue Ryders organisation.

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Hi Christina 123
I think you are very brave to have gone through this twice. I am only once and cant even imagine doing this again dont think I could take the pain 2 times.

Hi Christina,

I am in exactly the same boat as you having lost a husband to lymphoma in 2015 after 18years together and my second partner Tom four weeks ago when he was just 35. He’d had problems with alcohol and his heart couldn’t take it anymore. I found your post comforting just knowing there was someone out there with a similar circumstance.
I’m also heartened that you are able to carry on. Going through this twice involves a lot of disbelief. At least on my part and sometimes feels surreal. Anger, sorrow, adrenaline, apathy, loneliness, stillness and resignation have all played their part with me and still are.
Thank you so much for posting. Now I can add “hope” to that list
Steve

It’s ten months since my loss, but in the beginning I felt so sad and angry. Mike was an active man who cycled and walked the dog also played badminton, wasn’t overweight. I felt so cheated, I remember one time turning the radio up really loud in the car and crying for miles. I had the Celine Dion song Because you loved me, played at his funeral as it was so apt. I’m lucky to have supportive family and friends. I joined a local short mat bowls group that just played for fun and found it helped enormously, I also joined a couple of meet up for tea/ coffee and cake groups which helped a lot. But Covid has put pay to all that. I leave the radio on for the dog but fund it helps me not to come back to a quiet house. There are some really sad things that happen and we all must try and make our lives as happy as we can, but sometimes all Zi want is Mike back all fit and with his lovely smile.

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Hello Christina, I too have lost two husbands. My first husband died almost 25 years ago this year. I was on my own with 3 children for 10 years when I met my second husband. We were both widowed and made the most of our lives. He was diagnosed with cancer which eventually spread and he died in January. Both husbands died of cancer and I miss them both so much. The loneliness is so difficult and lockdown on top of that was unbearable. I try to keep busy but nothing is the same and it’s learning to live alone that’s difficult. I am a strong person but these last few months have certainly tested test strength. It’s good to share these experiences

Hello Maureen, Thank you for your reply. I tell myself zi have to get on with my new life and it has got a bit easier but some days I feel so low, especially the weekends for some reason. I’m lucky to be able to drive and Im only half an hour from the coast, so sometimes I go wave watching. This virus is making things so difficult for everyone. We used to go to The Big C at our hospital which helped us both enormously. Mike had counselling and we both had a relaxation class about every fortnight. That has had to stop now and I feel so sorry for the recently diagnosed not to have it there to be with others in the same situation, there different aspects of help was fantastic. I try to get a focus on what I’m doing each day, but try to relax also with the tv, light entertainment or a magazine. I know life will never be as good again as it was with Mike in particular, but I want to try my best as I’m fortunate to have a loving family and good friends. Take care.

Hello Christina, thanks for your reply. Like you I try and keep going out, meeting friends in gardens for coffee and planning a few projects. My husband was called Mike too. My Mike wanted me to live life to the full but unfortunately the virus has made that almost impossible. We must both dig deep to keep positive and work through our grief to come out the other side. Take care x

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