I am the mother of my beautiful son Alexander to whom took his own life. It was 13th May 2018. I had to identify him and when i saw him, i thought to myself, this halloween prank is not funny, my brain would not go there. For the first year i said oh hes backpacking around the world, i completely did his room up ready for his return. I eventually after many breakdowns went back to work for 2 days. Just when i feel im okay, a wave of depression hits me like a hammer and i get very suicidal, the mental health team dismissed me twice because they said they cannot help until i accept it. I will never. My boy is my world and i miss him so much. The pain of taking about him is overwhelming and i have to keep blocking it.
I am so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Alexander…I lost my son Christian just five months earlier in December 2017 it was very sudden, he was on his own so there was no goodbyes or to tell him how much we loved him but hopefully he knew…We had to have an inquest and the verdict was he died of Arrhymia, a verdict we had to accept.
Now three and a half years later it is still incredibly hard to believe we will never see him again or speak to him, but he is still a massive part of our family, I talk to him everyday and tell him everything which is happening, we speak about him always and we can now laugh at some of the antics which he got up to, there was never a dull moment in our house when he was about.
Christian is and always will be with us, just as your son will always be with you, and we have to believe and have the faith that one day we will be with them again.
I hope that you will be able to get help from someone that truly understands how losing a child is literally losing part of yourself, But please keep reading all the posts on this forum of how many other Mothers who have lost their children and how they have managed to survived .
Will be thinking of you with love take care Marina xxx
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Hi Jane, what a sad post and my heart goes out to you because I can’t think how I would feel if it was me who had lost a son. Please keep trying the mental health team, they should be helping you to except that your beautiful son has left us. There are many ways of excepting what has happened and as Marina says talking to him doesn’t say you think he’s here in person. I talk to my husband every single day and somedays more than once but I know his human form is not here, it’s is spirit or soul or what ever you want to call it that I am talking to.
I wonder if you have contacted SOBS, they have a forum and there will be many on the site that have the experience as yourself.
https//uksobs.org/forum.
I hope it helps and reading others post is very helpful
You take care. S xx
I’m so sorry for your loss too. I’m going to be starting therapy soon, it makes me so stressed, i just can’t seem to stop blocking it. I feel sick at the thought his might never come home.
Thank you for your lovely message.
Love Jane xx 
Dear Jane…Please just try and stay strong…I, and other Mothers on this forum know just what pain and agony you are going through trying to live from one day to the next, but somehow we do, the pain will never go away but we do learn how to manage it and one day you will too.
I am so grateful we had Christian in our lives ,but it just wasn’t meant to be forever and that’s the heartache.
Thinking of you…Marina xx
Marina, its so nice to speak to someone who understands. I am struggling at the moment and very sad, i worried about having therapy because my head won’t go there and i know im going to need so much strength. How are you Marina? If you would like to share your journey with me, i would love to hear it. But only if you feel you want too. Love Jane xx
Susie, i thank you for your kind message. I am deeply sorry to hear you lost your husband. Grief is the hardest pain a person can endeavour. My sister lost her husband a year ago and is suffering deeply. Hopefully we can feel free to speak about how we feel and hopefully comfort each other. Love Jane xx
Hi Jane…I know therapy is good for some people, but I think to be able to come onto this site and literally be able to pour out your grief and say exactly just how you are feeling is the best therapy of all. When I lost Christian I thought I would go mad and wasn’t sure how I would cope without him, and looking at life it just seemed nothing but blackness no joy, no happiness no nothing but I knew somehow I would have to go on living for the sake of my family who were suffering too. It was then I came across this site, at last I could talk to Mothers whom had also lost their son /daughter and that in itself was such a relief, it didn’t take the pain or the blackness away but I knew I was not on my own anymore. Now nearly four years later I am still getting comfort from the same people on this site that as helped me to get my life back on track though it seems only half a life now,
Christian is still with me always ,he will always be here with his family because this is where he belongs…just like Alexander will always be with you.
Take care…Love Marina xxx