My wife of 42 years was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer on 20th January. She spent 23 days in hospital, 18 days at home and 47 days in a wonderful hospice until she passed away.
During that short time at home, and also in the hospice, I learned how to PEG feed her and how to administer water and medication. She was admitted to the hospice with a chest infection and, two days prior to her discharge, on Mother’s Day, she suffered multiple blood clots. Everything possible was done for her but a little more of her seemed to vanish each day. Sadly, she passed away on 22nd April.
Since she passed, I have spent time with our lovely dog, trying to process things. Doing all the admin things one has to do, including the funeral and celebration of life arrangements. The funeral and celebration take place next Friday. I am dreading the day, even though I want everything to be perfect for my wife.
I am finding that my wife was even more loved than I thought she was. Everyone calls her the lovely lady with the lovely smile. Everyone has a special memory of her.
I find this community very helpful because I am reminded that so many people are going through my experience. The grief experience that we are all trying to navigate. It is hard. Every day seems like a challenge but I hope that overcoming the challenges will increase my strength.
I want to thank all you good people for being here. You did not choose to be here but your words and your thoughts are so important. We all have a long journey. Lets travel together and offer a kindly word or a hand to hold when the going gets tough. I guess I am looking for someone, or everyone, to explain how to cope with the loss of my wife, my soulmate, my best friend. Perhaps that is too much to hope for but hope is the most powerful thing I have right now.
Hi Jim68,
I am so sorry for your loss. You are doing remarkably well for so short a time. I am 14 months in, after 50 years, and nowhere near as sorted as you sound. I lost all hope for months after caring for my husband for nearly 3 years. He died of heart, lung and kidney failure.
I do hope the celebration of her life goes as well as you hope. I found the funeral hard, lots of tears from me and my daughters. The get together afterwards was so joyous that I felt Phil was there with us. They say it starts the grieving process but it is a long hard road. Embrace all the emotions you feel. Try not to push them away, they will come back again if you do. I do mindfulness meditation which helps me to deal with what comes up. Doesn’t stop the tears but I feel the strong grow in me and the tears so not last so long now. Write to your wife and tell her how you feel. It helps especially at the beginning. You are in my thought Jim. Hope you find peace soon.
Kind regards,
Bee23
Thank you Bee. 14 months is no time at all is it? I am OK with the things that have to be done but not so with the emotional ‘minefield’. It is a new and scary thing. Sound advice from you Bee. I will sit right down and write my wife a letter! Take care and stay strong.
Hi Jim really sorry for your loss my heart goes out to you.
It has been ten weeks since I lost Hazel my wife of 47 years (together for 52) to cancer after a two and a half year battle, Hazel really fought hard but lost the battle in the last three to four weeks with the last week in hospital it was the most painful experience of my life and the resulting grief was all consuming…
Every day is a challenge some days I manage to overcome the challenge other days I give up and just let the wave of grief flood over me but on the whole I feel I am very slowly winning the battles still crying a lot but it seems to stop almost as quickly as it starts.
I do not think that there is a magic bullet that will help to cope with the grief caused by the loss of our life partner as grief is a very personal emotion.
I constantly talk to Hazel throughout the day I know Hazel is not physically with me but I am sure that Hazel is looking over my shoulder from wherever Hazel is telling me to get on with life and to stop moping around which is exactly as it was when Hazel was alive and I became emotional when we discussed the inevitable.
The people on this forum have helped me through the journey so far, we are all experts in grief and what it can do to us and anybody who has experienced the loss that we have will have some kind words and some useful advice.
I only have one positive from the whole experience and that is my darling Hazel will never have to suffer the pain and emptiness that I now feel.
I know it is difficult but be as positive as possible.
Hello John, thank you. My heart goes out to you too. You know, every word you wrote was so important in conveying just how you feel and I am grateful.
Your last point will stay with me. I had thought that my wife Sue is now free of any pain and suffering but I can see how our dear wives will never have to experience the pain which we are going through.
Sue once said she had a conversation with God and asked him to make sure that she passed before me. She said God asked if she was sure. I think I understand now.
Hi Bee23
I lost my wife to multiple organ failure in January this year.
Her funeral went well, and i felt that she gave me extra strength to get through the day. I did cry however when i got home and was on my own.
I have just bought a book on Meditation, as i think it will help me cope better and sleep better.
It is very hard to get through a day without tears, but i hope, and believe that she is still around me.
I have much sympathy with anyone who posts on this site, as i know the pain everyone is going through. Good luck to everyone.
Hi Jim, I’m totally with you with this and fully realise the pressure and strain you’ll be feeling right now. Losing someone so close for so long has to be the hardest thing anyone can experience. I went thru exactly the same as you. My wife of 47 years was diagnosed with the same cancer in February 2020, right at the start of covid when everything was being cancelled. Val eventually had major surgery in early April and was expected to in hospital for about 10 days , which actually ended up being 7 weeks. I just cant imagine how scary it must be to be hospitalised and in a whole new world of being unable to speak, my heart still breaks now, four years later. She came home mid May and for a while we started to adapt to the new situation but gradually things declined. In early December more scans were done and my worst fears were now my worst nightmare. On the day we were due to see the consultant for the results Val was too ill to go to hospital and I had to speak with the consultant on the phone and I literally froze on hearing his words. Then the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do… I had to break the news to Val. She actually handled it better than me, maybe she’d simply had enough.,we were obviously so upset but I was inconsoleable just when I needed to be at my strongest The next day they asked if Val would like to go into a local hospice, which she did and I cannot fault their support and dedication under such trying circumstances. After about 2 weeks things were becoming very tense and I was given a room at the hospice to be on hand day and night and sadly Val passed away the day before Christmas. Like your wife Val had loads of friends who I know would all have been at the funeral but due to covid rules only a handful of us were there…she deserved so much better, and especially in the light of the shenanigans of the then government who were breaking their own rules. I really hope that all goes as well as it can on Friday. Sorry if my story has “opened any raw wounds” I didn’t mean to, I wish you all the best for the future. Take care mate
That is such a sad story George. Such horrible things happened and Covid too. Nightmare. You have survived though and that is good. Thank you for your inspiration. Take care of yourself my friend.
I have just read your post JRthorn and thought you would like to know that Calm and Headspace, both meditation sites give you a week or so free to try meditation. They both cover grief meditations and advice. I have used both over the last 8 years, for grief only a year. I know it helps me but some people struggle with it.
Hope it helps you and, perhaps, others who read it.
Kind regards,
Bee23