After 34years of marriage just before Christmas 2021 my wife passed away. In 2019 she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Over the next 2 years she so bravely took on several operations, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. Early 2021 we learned that secondary cancer was now on her lungs and was spreading through lymph nodes in her chest.
We weren’t so naive to know how this was going to end
She spent so much time in hospital until early December 2021 when her oncologist told us that nothing else could be done. His advise was to plan an early Christmas as there isn’t alot of time left. I brought her home and care for her for the next 2 weeks. We both realised this was unmanageable and she went into St Barnabas House hospice on Friday 10th.
She passed away on Sunday 12th. I was with her all the time.
It’s 3 months on and I haven’t been able to move on. The grief hits me several times a day. I’m not eating properly or sleeping. I have not gone back to work yet and feel very anxious about how things will pan out.
I’ve never been alone and finding this overwhelming.
So sorry for your loss x it’s absolutely awful trying to go on without the one person we love . Adore. Our best friend. My husband died in September from cancer he was only diagnosed in the march he was fit and healthy . It was throat cancer but it spread to his liver bones and nodes after chemo and radiation we thought he would get better . He did feel better for a few weeks and managed to build a shed out the back for his new hobby . But cancer spread and killed him . We had been together since 16 married 39 years . He was only 59 as I am . I’m scared incase I have a long life after him when I just want to be with him .I miss him so so much x take care
OMG Glenn this is exactly what happened to my wife Judith,bladder cancer 2 major operations,then months of chemo,the cancer came back so more treatment,8 weeks in hospital on so much pain relief,then to hospice and 3 days later she passed away in front of me.21 weeks now for me Glenn and it is still horrendous.The grief,not sleeping ,not eating, I am still there.It is like you have written my story for me as it is so similar.I am retired ,I do not think I could have handled work again.Thinking of you my friend. Michael x
So very sorry for your sad loss Glenn. It’s heartbreaking and totally devastating for us.
Three months is a very short time. Grief can hit us when we least expect it, it can and does knock us off our feet (it’s just over a year for me since I lost my darling husband)
I hope you have family or friends who you can talk to and help you through.
I understand you feeling anxious about how things will pan out. We just have to take things very slowly and try and look after ourselves.
Please try and eat and drink and try and get some fresh air. All these things will help you to sleep hopefully.
It is overwhelming being left alone.
Keep reading other people’s stories and writing your own feelings down.
We are here and we do care
Janey
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife and I can relate to the grief keeping hitting you. It’s three months since my Dad died. My Dad was in a similar situation to you when he was 88 - my Mum had cancer and operations and died two years later. My Dad insisted on caring for her although had support. He did very well afterwards as he had lots of friends, but unfortunately the pandemic came along.
So as well as the passing of your wife, you are probably worn out after the years of sharing the process and some caring. One thing I have found is - I can’t just carry on after three months. Life needs to be different for a while. I read something recently that said that the trauma of someone close dying is a bit like a brain injury - a physical thing, and if you broke your leg or your back you wouldn’t expect to just get up and carry on - you;d accept you;d be off your feet for a good few months - and then need a few months more of physio and rehabilitation.
I found that really helpful to think of it like that - it’s like an injury that people can’t see and you need to allow yourself recovery time and not try to just pick up and carry on as before - even do something different or stay somewhere different for a while. I’m a big fan of being able to stay somewhere else if you can - with someone - a friend or relative - even for a few days as it’s surprising how being surrounded by familiarity can drag you down (even when it’s nice familiarity). And just go for different walks in different places. And not be on your own.
J did also get a pet, which helped a lot. During the times I felt the most sad and unable to do much this little thing gave me love and made me smile - and needed me.
If you can’t go back to work yet, maybe starting some little project would help - something new that helps other people maybe.
My husband died in sept after a long brave battle with cancer. I gave up work in feb 2019 to look after him. It’s so difficult to see someone you love so much suffer but I’m sure like me you did everything you could to make things as good as they could be. After being so busy with nurses coming and hospital appointments everything stops and you are just left to cope. I find that difficult.
Grief is a long slow process and we have to be patient with ourselves and try and get through it difficult as it is. It’s what our partners would want us to do. Take care of yourself x