Loss of my wife

My wife passed away 2 years ago,after 50 years of marriage and although the actual pain of the loss is easing slightly I’m in the depths of depression,and don’t seem to have a purpose in life.I feel totally lost,although I have my family close at hand,2 sons 1 daughter and 7 grandkids.I still feel alone with my thoughts.I can’t see any improvement in the future,so I’ll just have to plod on.My life stopped when my wife and friend passed away 2 years ago.

Dear Brian,

I have read your profile notes, and I seem to have similar circumstances, though I’m a couple of years behind you.

I’m now 70, and my wife died suddenly just 41 days ago, after we have been together for 52 years.

I have two children, a son and a daughter, and seven grandchildren, plus one little great grandchild.

The family are good, but half of them live abroad and others are some distance away. Only one grandchild lives within 15 miles, she is married to a grand chap and is the mother of my great grandson. They visit frequently, but I am worried that too much responsibility is being placed on them simply because they live fairly close by.

My eldest grandson is coming from London tomorrow.

As you say, though, it’s when they all go home that the sadness overwhelms me again.

I don’t want to cause my family any more pain, so I am trying to look after myself.

We, or should I learn to say “I”, have two dogs who do comfort me and I hope to live long enough to see them live out their natural lives and ease them over their ends.

Then I can let go.

Hi Edwin
Sorry to hear about your recent loss and I know it can’t be easy.My wife’s passing was a shock to me,and it’s been over 2 years now and the pain of missing her isn’t as bad as it was, I’m now left with a totally aimless existence.Unlike yourself I’ve got all my family close by,I still find it very hard.I keep these bad feelings to myself as I don’t want them to worry about me,as they already have lost their mum.
I truly sympathise with your plight,and there’s no answer I could give you,other than take a day at a time.

Dear Brian and Edwin
I am so sorry about your losses…losing one’s other half defies description and time does not heal our pain…just makes us more able to carry it. I empathise with your feelings Brian…would using the counselling service offered here be an idea . perhaps it might help you too Edwin? At best do continue to post or even private message each other because you sound as if you are like-minded gentlemen who could help each other!
Take care x

I’ve often thought of counseling,but I’m a very sceptical person,and wouldn’t get much out of other people’s counsel.I may be wrong,but I’ve had all the usual info e.g. join a club,get out and about more often, keep busy etc,etc,etc,.I may be wrong as I know good hearted people are meaning well.
My symptoms are, feeling lost, can’t see a good future,which means loss of hope,which was the crucial things in my life that drove me on.Something to look forward to?Vanished!!!

Hi Brian. I’m so sorry for your loss. But please consider counselling. It’s not about any “counsel” they can give you, more about putting your thoughts in order … something you have to do to communicate them to someone else. I went to counselling after my husband died (2014) when I hit the “angry at the world” phase. It helped me figure out the root causes of my anger (not knowing how to define myself without him, not knowing where I was going or what the plan was now my world had dissolved… the list goes on). It didn’t make me miss him any less but it helped.

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Thanks for replying.My problem boils down to,i feel totally rudderless,and lost,although i spend about an hour in my local friendly coffee shop every day,where everyone thinks i’m doing fine,as i’m quite an extrovert by nature and have a default setting of being a happy chappy.
My main worry is that i’m 71 and just can’t see any future for me,although i just plod on a day at a time.I always had to have something to look forward to in my life,but for the first time,i have nothing.I’ve got 2 sons and a daughter who pop in to see me quite often,but i don’t say anything about my situation,as i don’t want them to be worrying over me.
Maybe i should talk to a counsellor, but i wouldn’t know where to start.
Thanks again

Let us know how you get on with it, please Brian. I too have a reluctance to seek out a counsellor. My reasons I shall keep to myself.

I have disabled Private Messaging. My reasons . . . ditto.

Good evening Brian
No words of wisdom I’m afraid but your post struck such a chord with me that I just wanted to tell you that I understand completely and I think many of us feel the same. Trying to find a new purpose is incredibly difficult but I think we just have to hope that somehow we will do so some day. Take care.x

Hi Brian, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife. I have to admit I know exactly what you are saying when you write “I have nothing to look forward to in my life” . I feel just the same. We always had things arranged to look forward to together ~ a week-end away, a nice meal, a shopping trip, a quiet night at home, log burner blazing and a glass of wine… Since my husband died last year, I feel lost with nothing to look forward to. I keep really busy every day with family & friends, but at times it all feels quite pointless and not what I really want, I’d never say this to them as they have all been so kind to me over the past 12 months and I really appreciate their support.
I have had counselling, it did help me to be able to speak to someone who didn’t judge or try to “solve” the sadness. Perhaps you should consider it, it may help you.
Just wishing you all the very best and to let you know you are not alone
Elaine x

Hello, I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and to hear you feel depressed. I know exactly what you are saying, its all so different when you are living alone and no longer have the one person who was the love of your life and best friend. No one can fill the massive void that has been left in your life.
I lost my husband last year and I can relate to everything you have written, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
Best wishes from Elaine x