Loss of my wife

How does anyone cope

That’s the $64,000 Dollar Question, Stevie.

We each cope in our own way is perhaps the most accurate all round answer, but it isn’t very specific.

You’ve made a start posting in this forum. I came here looking for something, anything, and at first I couldn’t really see what it had to offer. I had enough grief of my own to try and handle - why, I thought, load up on other people’s misery too, no matter how much I might sympathise ?
The initial replies I received advised me to keep reading, even if I didn’t post.
That’s what I’d say to you now. Stick with it for a while. Since I joined the forum just over a month ago, I have averaged one post a day, give or take, so it shows you that you can get drawn in, generally very helpfully.
I find it a bit easier to relate to other posters if I know just a bit about their experience, though, believe me, I am not pushing you to divulge anything more than you feel comfortable with.

One way or the other, whatever our individual circumstances, we are all in the same trough of grief.

Thanks for your reply. I was dubious about the site as when I started reading I thought I might be adding to my own misery but I will take your advise and stay with it.

I think I cope because the thought of not coping seriously scares me. My wife died 13 weeks ago and 4 years before that she had been diagnosed with a Glioblastome brain tumour and told she would maybe live 14 months. How she coped with that was inspirational and I was in awe of her… I still am. Whenever I feel to be struggling I think of what she went through and I try to be brave as she was. Before she died she told me that I had everything I need to have a good shot at enjoying the rest of my life. Obviously she wasn’t completely right but I’m going to try as it would be disloyal to her to not do that. I have fully accepted that I will grieve for her for the rest of my days but I’m not going to let that paralyse me. I think I’ve probably been grieving for the past four years and maybe that has helped me more recently to be more accepting. I think it would have been very different had she died suddenly.

I’m finding things really hard to come to terms with. She was in hospital and I was very indifferent to it as it was her second stay with the same complaint. But she developed a chest infection quickly and I was rushed to icu just before they put her in a ducked coma. She was doing OK for a week then a massive infection got to her lungs. 2 weeks later Papworth hospital transferred her to Papworth and she was put on an ekmo machine. After 2 more weeks sedation was lightened and I could communicate with her. I had my wife back. But then a downhill spiral led to this machine being turned off. She passed away in my arms and that will haunt me forever. I have a meeting next week with the hospital as I’m trying to come to terms with what happened. It’s only been a few weeks but I’m really suffering just want to give up. She was everything. Now I’m left with nothing but despair.

You have been on an emotional roller coaster with hope always being dangled in front of you. Like you my husband died in my arms but this should give you comfort as it does me. She died like my husband in the arms of the person she loved most in the world and who kept her safe there until the end. We were blessed in that time

But I stroked her hair looked in to her eyes and told her everything was going to be OK. I lied to her it was never going to be ok

What else would you do. You did not lie you made it alright at the end. Being OK was not yours to promise. We all said the same things to our sick loved ones although she probably knew it would not be so. I torture myself sometimes because I promised to take him home but the best I could do was a hospice. I spent every day and night with him and although a poor substitute it was better than nothing. When your mind is less broken you will come to realise that you did whatever was in your power and to be there at the end is a real priviledge.

Thanks Florence what else could I say. I think she knew what was happening a couple of tears came and I wiped them away and told her to rest and sleep. Like you I was at her side for 6 weeks in icu I had to give her the chance to make it but on reflection it was so hard for her.

The question on how we cope is a good one. The answer is I haven’t a clue. My wife died on 2nd of July and I take 1 day at a time sometimes 1 hour at a time but I still feel like I’m crawling around in the dark. Am I coping again I haven’t a clue I just try to survive for my 3kids and little granddaughter. I’m sorry you find yourself here and for your terrible loss. Please keep posting or even just reading it will help.
Please take care of yourself

I’m so sorry for your loss, this is the thing we have lost the most precious love of our lives but the world goes on. Like you I’m existing day to day. I only lost her three weeks ago so everything is really raw, even her funeral has had to be delayed for a post mortom. I’ve got lots of support around me but it all seems so irrelevant.

To the posters whose loved ones died in their arms I can only say that in time I am sure you will feel that this was a blessing…that you gave love and comfort when it was needed most…that it was OK because their struggle was about to end and their soul soon released.
When Barry died, the paramedics worked on him for what seemed forever and all I could do was stand and beg them to stop because I just knew that he had gone…I remember every day that I was not holding him, that his last breath was with strangers… and it hurts so much.
I guess that there is no right way or wrong way to die…all we can do is to believe that our loved ones are now free and hold their memory in our hearts.

There’s no good way the paramedics were doing there best to save Barry he needed that chance. My wife’s battle was over and a 6 week battle at that. During that time she was sedated and bought round numerous times so I had her back then she was gone then back but she had to have that chance to live. Now it just seems harsh

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