I’m reaching out because I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know how I feel, I know I’m losing myself and falling inwards. It’s early days, I know. Two weeks ago, my son (adult) took his own life after nearly 4.5 years of mental health issues. The shock has left me trying to block it out by keeping busy. But as soon as I think of him or see a photo of him, I crumble. The pain, the hollow feeling, the gut-wrenching heartache I’ve never felt before. I fear I’ll lose control. My daughter is just like me and trying to hold herself & mother together. Like I say, it’s only been two weeks, and he’s just been repatriated, so I also now have the chance to go see him, but I’m also scared if that makes any sense. I have all these emotions but can’t talk. I also feel so guilty I didn’t do more for him. I feel like I could have helped him so this would never have happened.
Hello Padlow. Im so sorry for the loss of your son..please don’t blame yourself, this was not your fault..we all feel guilty somehow when we’ve lost our loved ones, we feel we should have done more or i shouldn’t have done that..but the loss of a child no matter if theyre adults, it still hurts when you lose a loved one..they’ll always be your baby..i lost my husband in March, he was 57, we were married for 35 years. I know how you feel, all those emotions, we try to keep under control. For the sake of our loved ones. I have 2 adult kids, ..Just gotta keep busy, keep my brain from going back to that painful moment..please take care of yourself. Keep posting, i hope it helps. And may God bless you and your family. 
Hi padlow im so sorry you are in this position i lost my wife Jackie after 63 years of marriage at Christmas and as you say I feel like I am falling apart .you must not feel guilty as mental health is so hard to read and hindsight is a great thing if only we all had it.but saying that I feel guilty that I am here and Jackie is not as I have cancer and we new I would pass first ,but then everything changed you must be there for your daughter who im sure relies on you to help her through this traumatic time .word’s cannot discribe the overwhelming pain that we all feel for our passed loved ones.you must have had 4 years of sheer torment trying to deal with you sons problems .im not saying it will be easy in the future ,im stuggling every day and it’s 7 months since I lost my Jackie and every day is filled with tears,but my daughter is missing here mum as much as I miss Jackie ,so don’t feel guilty be there for your daughter no matter how much the pain drags you down.the only way I carry on is by keeping busy all day cleaning,cleaning,cleaning that is what Jackie did so I do it now .i can’t say it will be easy in fact it’s devastating but I believe if you and your daughter help Each other you both may find a little peace in time.i understand that the thought of seeing your son is terrifying but I found seeing Jackie in the chapel of rest a little comfort ,it gave me chance to tell her how much I love her and have that last talk with her in private.i hope you manage to find a little peace in the coming months regards Dave
Dear Padlow, very sorry to hear this. Like lightmary said, we all feel guilt that we didn’t do things differently, even if there is nothing that we could have done or we thought everything was ok. Did your son pass away in another country?
My son passed away up North, so having him back home has brought a little comfort. His mother and sister have visited him, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I guess it’s the finality of it all. Like I said, right now it feels like he’s still here, even though I know he’s not. His suitcase with his clothes is in the garage, and I can’t open it. I’ve taken some clothes to the undertakers for him and booked his special day. I find it so hard to talk about him out loud without breaking down. I just wish I had done more, helped more, done something more to stop him. The thought that he’s left this world and we’ll never talk to him or see him again is just too much to bear.
Hi again Padlow,I am 7 months on from loosing Jackie and I still keep her clothes and belongings as it’s too painful to part with them.so if you get comfort from keeping your sons suitcase there’s nothing wrong in that.i still can’t talk about Jackie without tears so I understand your pain,I went to the chapel of rest and sat with my wife I told her how much I loved and missed her,I think if you have a word with your daughter she may tell you it helped her to say her goodbyes to her brother,it is heartbreaking and if you aren’t up to it then only you know, if you need to go see him maybe you could find strength in asking your daughter to accompany you, as far as you wishing you had done more for your son im sure you are punishing yourself when you shouldn’t be.you did what you could at the time,we all have I wish I had days ,but hindsight is a wonderful thing.you have the worste day of your life to come ,take comfort from your wonderful wife and daughter on the terrible day. I wish you strength and peace in the coming weeks and months. Regards Dave
Thank you all for your kind words and condolences regarding your losses. It has been a challenging few days, and I have found myself feeling quite down, which is uncharacteristic of me. I am finding it incredibly difficult to come to terms with everything. I haven’t felt like speaking to anyone, but I understand that I should, as this situation affects more than just myself. I feel persistently tired, with no energy or motivation to do anything. I also feel a sense of frustration that life continues as normal for others, seemingly oblivious to the struggles some individuals are facing. I am starting to sound selfish, and that is not good. It is just this ache and totally helpless feeling of loss.