Dearest Maddie
This is so heartbreaking to read, at least I had hope up till the end. I don’t know any other pain in life as awful as this is and what torture you must have been through being told that news. Tonight my stomach is in a big painful knot and again I can’t believe my boy is never coming back to me. I also hate christmas now especially being in a job where the temps are saying happy christmas when it comes and I want to scream!!! A customer asked how my present buying was coming along and I could feel tears coming, i just blurted out oh I won’t be buying any this year, she seemed to guess instantly and said well i hope new year is better for you, it won’t be but least christmas will be over with.
Sending hugs to everyone struggling
Anne
Hi ruby this time of year is emotional anyway .this will be my first xmas without sam .he passed end april age 25 . Im sitting putting up the xmas tree sobbing .but he loved it .and so did i . He would be sad with me i know if i didnt. He was 6 .3 tall always did lights . This life what its thrown at us all . Its to hard .just want him to come through the door .take care everyone love zoe xxx
Hi Zoe,
All of us on here get those words exactly, I remember trying to do the Christmas tree. Sam had passed 9th December so we had Christmas Day on the 5th, but the following year I just sat there and cried with the tree still in the box, and my friend Dee knocked the door. She put up the tree and the decorations, so I had it up for the grandchildren. Every year I struggle and it will be the same this year 5 years on. If your Sam loves Christmas (I will never speak of them in the past tense…sorry) then you don’t really have a choice but talk out loud to him he will hear you and he will help. We have just returned from Dorset, we always go away the week around Sam’s passing as it does help. Whilst there I was getting upset, and there was a light in the corner of the front room which neither me John or my friend Janice could work, we changed the bulb everything but it would not come on. That day we went out for a walk and came back and it was on, there was no timer nothing, and there was a feather on the arm of the chair we I would sit. So my Sam told me in no uncertain terms “get on with it”. He was never one for a fuss.
Keep going Zoe it is all we can do to honour our children. Your Sam and mine would expect it.
With love
Helen
Hi Purple,
What good advice, and you are so right about the sack of tiny stones. grief never goes away but walks beside you, I always refer to it as waves sometimes lapping at your feet at other overwhelming. Love is as you say the strongest thing there is.
Love
Helen
Dear Zoe, Gemma loved Christmas so much, she spent every Christmas with me and I can’t bear to put my tree up now as I get so upset. I do put lots of twinkling lights around the house and just get through.
This is the last photo I took of Gems just a few weeks before we lost her 
I love this photo of my lovely Dawn 5 years today since we lost her .Maddie xx
Sending love and hugs.
Kate xxxx
Hi Maddie
Beautiful photo. I am thinking of you and John today and will light a candle later for Dawn.
Reading all the posts it seems that everyone on here has been feeling the same. I didn’t want to put a tree up as it is so painful to see one as it was the last thing I did with my Kathryn before she went out the door but my daughter Charlotte said mum Kathryn loved Christmas and it will give her something to look at when she visits so I have put one up. I didn’t realise that Kathryn had bought me so many decorations. Going through her things I found a little tree ornament that says To a Special Mum. She was obviously intending to give it to me last year. It has made me even more broken than I already was. Like everyone else I just want to get Christmas out of the way. I’ve been invited to go to my brothers on Christmas day but I just want to be on my own with my own thoughts. My daughter says that I have to go (she is going to her partner’s family which we agreed on) so I will probably comply and go. It is all so hard.
Sending love to all on here and hope that we all get through Christmas as best we can.
Deborah 
Victoria
What a lovely photo of Gemma.
Sending love and hugs xx
Dear All,
It’s heartbreaking reading all your comments but can relate to all of them, we had a lovely tree that I bought when Matt was a baby but on the first Christmas after his passing I too didn’t want too put it up but my girls were upset about it so we decided to something different and bought a real tree we have special things on it that he made from nursery etc and ornaments dedicated to him we don’t call it a Christmas tree its called a Matt tree 
Kate Victoria and Maddie your daughters all look so beautiful thank you for sharing 
Sending love to all epically thinking of you today Maddie on Dawn’s anniversary
Also everyone facing their first Christmas without their precious children
Michelle xxxx
Dear Anne
I’m so sorry someone was unpleasant to you…especially when you’re only doing your job. What’s wrong with people! 
Everything is hard at this time of year and now the Covid19 restrictions are coming back I think it’s making everything worse.
I’m sending you love and warm hugs. The sun will shine again when we are reunited on the other side. Until then we walk together.
Purple x
Hi Zoe how lovely you can put up the tree this year. I really can’t, my boy loved Christmas also it was his birthday Christmas Day, he would put up the decorations. I will get one of those little real ones with the glitter on and put it by his photo , but that’s all I can do.
Sam would be so proud of you for finding the strength to do it , well done.
Love jss xx
Dear Maddie…What beautiful and expressive eye’s your darling Dawn had.so full of life then cruelly taken from her.
Thinking of you today,…Marina xxx
Matt tree
Can’t remember how too post pictures 
indent preformatted text by 4 spacesHelen thank you your right sam is wise beyond his years .when he was told he had less than a year .which turned out four months he never cried .i was screaming he held my hand said come on mum its ok. I held his hand day and night it gave him comfort.i yo believe in feathers .robins .he must be here he loved his home i think some people think how can she put tree up but yes its for sam and my grandchildren thank you so much for your support dorset one of my fav places your sam was with you there too .much love zoe xx
Such a beautiful picture my thoughts are with everyone our children should be here .im sorry i get a bit muddled with names and that .take care xx
Oh maddie shes beautiful .i will light a candle thinking of you xx
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