Loss of our son aged 27

FInding it so very hard to understand how we can carry on without our lovely boy. He died just over three weeks ago of pancreatic cancer after a horrendous three months of pain. Life now seems totally pointless. Would welcome any help at all.

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Hello Wynne,
My son was 34 and died of a brain tumour, we had just over 4 years with him and thought we were out of the woods but it returned in August '16. He died on 9th December. I too like you thought life wasn’t really worth living. Sometimes I still believe that, but I have no choice but to try and do Sam proud. He would be livid if he thought I wasn’t coping as he had such a zest for life. Please remember, love is way too strong to be broken by death. Try to think of all the times you all had something to laugh about remember all his idiosyncrasies his way he did things, things that made you mad, laugh cry and talk about him to anyone who will listen. Be proud, if things were reversed which believe me it should be…your son would be proud of you…probably saying things like oh mum did this that or the other. There are a lot of people on this site and it helps to put things down in writing and offload those feelings, please write again.

My heart is with you

Helen

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Dear Helen,

Thank you so much for replying. I am so sorry to hear about your son Sam. Your advice about believing love is way too strong is a powerful message and I am trying to hold onto that. Our son, Danile was a truly loving person and we know he would want us to carry on but the sadness and grief seem to be all consuming. Daniel was only diagnosed in November with pancreatic cancer which spread rapidly and he was in terrible pain most of the time. The hole he has left seems so big and it is hard just to keep getting up and doing the daily chores. Have you any advice? Thank you again, Helen.

Wynne

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Hello Wynne

All I can say is try to keep doing those normal things, even though it will seem impossible at times, looking into that chasm of grief is horrendous and you feel unable to cope. I found that then thinking about the good things that he liked that he did and the times you had together helped pull me back from the edge of the chasm. It is just so hard but you have no choice but to go on,he would expect it of you and you have to make him proud. I always talk to Sam all the time whether it’s in the car in the house or before I go to bed. Talking to him helps as I am sure they can hear you.

With love Helen

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Thanks Helen, your advice is so welcome. Daniel seems to be around us at the moment and I know he would want us to be happy but it all seems so pointless with him not physically here. He was a larger than life person so the hole is enormous. I think your advice about talking to Sam is good and I do chat to Daniel in my head but it makes be feel sad. Please do keep writing. Thank you so much. Wynne

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Hello Wynne,
Today I had that terrible feeling of loss and despair, Sam died on the 9th December,so for me today is poignant. I talk out loud to Sam and this morning I told him I couldn’t keep doing this I needed some help. Believe me or not…a feather appeared right by my side on the arm of the chair, and my very best friend who is on her way to collect her sister from Heathrow, said to her husband I need to call Helen I have a feeling so strong that I need to call, she did. They say that your loved ones who have passed over will try to communicate, I know Sam has, we can feel him in the house and me especially can feel him all around me. They also say they send friends when they’re needed to help you. That is again exactly what happened today. I have calmed down now and I’m going to go shopping…which is exactly what Sam wants for me to do carry on as normal as possible. This is how I know that Daniel would want you to do the same, please try very hard like me to carry on even when it seems you feel unable to do so. Please don’t feel sad about talking to Daniel, although physically he like Sam is not here he is here in spirit and he can see and hear you, which is why I talk out loud silly inconsequential things sometimes but it does help when it’s about normal things. Sam went travelling all over the World, lived in Australia Cambodia, Sweden to name a few. He like Daniel had a huge personality and I find myself drawing on things he has said and done to get through. I am sure you have lots of memories of Daniel, happy ones that is what I do.
With love Helen

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Thanks Helen, your kind words give me strength and I keep trying to not dwell on the last few months when Daniel suffered so much pain. He passed away four weeks tomorrow so it will be a difficult day. It is so very hard trying to not dissolve into tears every few hours. The doctor said it will get better and there will be good times ahead but it is difficult to believe this, my faith has been shaken and both physically and emotionally I feel like a wreck. I don’t want to do anything but know that shopping has to be done etc. Please keep writing. Love Wynne

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Hello Wynne,
Your right it is so hard not to dissolve in tears, I find myself yesterday and today so very low. I have done the shopping and I keep trying to do normal things and yes the doctor is right it does get easier. My friend lost her daughter, she was 48 (but had a mental age of around 10 or 12) so Sandra did everything for her. She refused to let her go to a hospice and nursed her at home. her words to me were…the tiniest of steps, day by day it gets slightly better. I really do hope so. I am thinking of you today. What hurts me the most is that they were so young. Cancer respects no one and nothing. I will keep writing

Love Helen

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I know what your going through I lost my only child in November he was 33 he died from deep vein thrombosis I didn’t even no he had it ,it was a complete shock

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Dear charliedan,

Many thanks for your message - so sorry to hear about your son - I can’t imagine how terrible it is to lose an only child. Today is very hard as it is exactly four weeks ago that Daniel passed away in his sleep after three months of pain trying to battle pancreatic cancer. We all miss him so much and although friends and family try to be kind the pain just not seem to be so deep and dribbling. Please do write back and tell me about your son.

Thanks

Wynne

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Thanks Helen, today is very hard as it is just four weeks ago when Daniel passed away and the pain just seems unbearable. I am at the moment sitting up in bed upstairs as family members have come over to support but I feel they don’t really understand how deep the loss is and I can’t really face them. I am so sorry for your friend’s daughter and you are right our children were so young and didn’t really get a chance to be the amazing adults they would have become. Cancer is so terrible and I feel now that you can’t trust anything as it can all go it a moment. Thank you for letting me write to you.

Love

Wynne

Hi everyone on this thread.firstly I’m so sorry for everyone’s loss its beyond sad to hear of all the pain that you (we) are in.I will just say quickly here that I am dyslexic so please bear with any grammar and spelling errors. I feel so much for all of you. I too have gone through going through pain of loss not as a parent but as a daughter losing her mum. I know it’s a different relashionship and I can’t imagine how it must be too lose a child but I do know how painful and soul destroying grief and loss is.no words feel they do justice to the pain felt.one day things were OK or OK ish and then your thrown into this world of heartbreak and pain a world you hate and a world you feel you don’t want to part of and a world you feel you can’t cope with. Everything is exhausting and pointless just brushing your teeth is climbing a mountain and a hour seems like a week!! I lost beautiful special mum my world last may.we lived together and were so very close peas in a pod .we were each others world she was my everything and more .she was diagnosed in February last year with terminal cancer that had spread and passed in may last year.I nursed her throughout .when she was diagnosed I said mum I wish I could take it from you so you don’t have to suffer I would take it from you in a heartbeat. And I meant it I wasn’t just saying it. To see the person you love most in the world deteriote 24\7 is beyond heartbreaking its torture!!!. Its a emotional pain like no other! And now I find it leaves you with so many painful memories and thoughts.
I’m finding it hard to find the words and write them I’m so tired but I just wanted to say that even though different relashionship the pain and daily suffering of grief is so so difficult!!! And it can feel so lonely well I am pretty much alone. I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you all and that we try to find some comfort and support each other with words and thoughts .I hope I’ve made sense I did want to write more and don’t think I have conveys want I want to say!!! …
My heart oes out to you all and a big virtual hug to you all xxxx

Dear Tray, you have captured the torment of grief well in your words. I am sorry to hear about your mum. I know the excruciating pain watching a loved one slowly become weaker and how awful it is to see them suffering. I try not to think too much about the last few months of Dan’s life but it is hard as the flash backs keep coming. Every morning it seems the mountain of life seems too difficult and pointless to climb but I am clinging onto hope that it will get better. I wish my son could see the blossoming of spring and feel the warm rays of sun on his face as he loved this time of year. Sharing with others does seem to help and I do hope we can all find some happiness but I know it may take a long time. Wynne

Hello Wynne
You’re right the mountain of life seems impossible at times then I think of Geraint my eldest and how he would cope with losing his brother and then me so I try to go on so that I can be here for him. He has a little boy Stanley and identical twins on the way. But then I think of Sam and his attitude to his tumour and how he fought like hell he would be so so angry with me so I carry on write again Wynne it does help ever so slightly to know others and we can share our grief. With live Helen

Hello Helen , just wondering how you are doing today. I have been out in the garden in the spring sunshine which has helped a bit but then you find you mind drifting and the sadness comes over again. The pain of reality and knowing that I can’t have Daniel back in our lives as it was just a five weeks ago is heartbreaking. There no answers to all the questions. Please keep writing. Love Wynne

Hello Wynne
Today I looked after my Grandson Stanley from 9-3 we met my friend Helen and went with her walking her little dog to Bitton Railway Station had a cup of coffee, Stanley played with a trainset they have there while we had a chat. It is strange but since Saturday, Sam has been on my mind 60 minutes an hour 24 hours a day I couldn’t sleep properly either. Yet Monday night I did sleep and I dreamt about Sam I think it was his way of saying get on with your life…I think where I had him constantly on my mind by Tuesday I seemed brighter and more able to cope and woke up and said good morning to him which I do every morning and I usually cry but not Tuesday I chatted to him as I normally do met my other friend Jean for coffee and seemed able to talk about him with pride not terrible sadness, it was as though I had found some peace. I know it will not last and as my friend said be prepared for the waves of grief when they come. I think the terrible terrible fear for the last 4 years of being so frightened of Sam going, just maybe I also grieved in that time even though I led myself to believe that he had done 31/2 years maybe it wouldn’t come back. I do know I was either asleep or dozing in the chair some weeks ago and I heard Sam say, for Gods sake get on with you life I’ll see you in 20 years. I know within myself deep down that the bond of love I share with Sam cannot ever be broken. Your bond with Daniel is the same, it will never break. When you need help like going downstairs to meet people ask Daniel he will help you he can hear everything you say because their spirit never leaves their loved ones. People have no idea of grief until it happens to them (God forbid) so when I meet people who are about to say how are you…before they can get the words out I say please don’t ask. Speak with Daniel as you would of before, he can hear you. I do with Sam, I always ask him to keep me going help me along, and he has done it. I have the proof!!

All my love Helen

Hello Wynne & Tray
Just wanted to say a few words to you both, it is hard to accept. I found myself only this morning wishing I could turn back the clock. Tray, your mum loved you and would not have wanted you to go through what she had gone through, as a mother I know and Wynne would know you try to protect your child. The only thing I can say to you as I got told make her proud of you talk to her out loud I find that helps so much talk about any inconsequential thing she can hear you.

with love Helen

Dear Helen, you have such good advice and it really does help to hear how you are coping. This morning have woken up feeling the overwhelming loss of not being able to physically be in touch with Daniel. I went to the doctor yesterday to see whether having medication would help sleep and eat more regularly but not sure if this would be right for me. Also find being totally on my own makes the anxiety worse so need to have one or two people around but this of course is not always possible. Thanks again for your kind words. Love Wynne

Hello Wynne
Sam’s doctor offered me tablets but I said no. I did go to see him but thought to myself wrong path for me. So I did what I’ve done before exercise. Whether that’s gardening z umba anything to make me physically tired. I also have a small night light so I am not in the dark. All these measures help me. With love Helen

Hi Wynne
I too have trouble eating so I eat when I feel hungry not at set times for now xxh