Hi everyone , it’s our 54 th wedding anniversary today . If did get off to a good start , no contact with family, just good wishes went out with friends , but a bit dissapointed , as our friends celebrated their 54th inMarch and we took them to Cornwall , and had photos printed offvToday went for a medd sad l , and apart for a card nothing . Am I being selfish , I just thought there’d might have been a lillle some thing after all we have been through . That’s why I always feel so bitter . Our friends have never ever Ben there for us . With love Maddievxx
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Dear Maddie, you are such a good friend to others and it is sad when others aren’t as giving. Some people unfortunately are just not very thoughtful. I hope you managed to have a lovely anniversary day with John despite your friend’s behaviour. You and John have become very special friends to us 
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Thankyou Victoria , such a bitter sweet day , I know I shouldn’t exspect too much , but when friends who we have bent over backwards to make they day special , is just another day to them . What would I do without you and friends on here who understand . With love Maddie xxxx
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Sad but it just shows us who we need and who we don’t. It’s our Ruby wedding in April next year and we are damn sure there are at least 20 maybe 30 people who will be crossed off the party list. ATM there will be 20 friends who have been our support team. Not just from the village but from further afield. They love us, feel for us, look after us and above all, understand as much as they are able, our grief. They cannot really feel what we feel, but thank God for them! None of us here would wish this on others, especially our dearest friends.
Night night. Love to you all .
Kate xx
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Just wanted to wish you all a peaceful night. It can be hard to get through the days and even harder to get through the nights. We are missing our children, we will go on missing them always.
Love - SusanJ xx 
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Hi all, it’s another day to struggle through, at nighttime I hope that I don’t wake up but then feel guilty for thinking that and knowing that would cause even more pain for my family, I think about Scott all the time but on the rare occasion that I get distracted like watching telly and for a moment it almost feels like nothing had happened and then reality hits again and I feel guilty for forgetting for that brief moment, this pain is too much and it’s all the time, it should have been me not my baby, he had a life too live for.
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Sending you a hug Dee, I share your pain.
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I know this pain is too much. It’s unbearable. It’s good if you can feel distracted for a short while - please don’t feel guilty. We all need relief from this suffering.
Today is 6 months to the day since my darling son died. I know I have to carry on being strong for the family, but it is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
I miss him more than I can say.
Take care all of you.
SusanJ xx
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Hi all.
Reading the various threads on this site. I tend to stick to the loss of a child threads. What strikes me the most is, it’s nigh on impossible to keep up with how many new people come on in complete desperation,looking for answers to try and fathom out how to deal with the most devastating, debilitating pain a parent can endure. Everytime I see a new name explaining how they have just lost their son or daughter takes me rite back to when it happened to me.
Unfortunately you can’t really explain to someone how life changing it really is , because there are no words that can translate the journey we find ourselves on. People in the first throws of grief can’t really hear what you are saying to them because everything in their life has become so jumbled, they can’t think straight. It’s all they can do to just remember how to breath.
People suggest counselling, or the doctors, tablets, or all manner of weird and wonderful things. Most of the people that make these suggestions are usually the type of people that come out with. " Well I haven’t lost a child, but if it was me, I’d be doing this or doing that. ," Well hopefully you never do loose a child or boy will you know about it. You will crumble into a sodden mess. And stay that way for quite a time.
For the people that have travelled along the grief journey for a while, are still asking the same questions. You have gone from being down a constant black hole to now riding the emotional rollercoaster. Some days you are floored other days you can get by. But this is an improvement on how you felt in the beginning. Some days you can see.!!!
I think the biggest question of all. Does it get easier with time ?.
You will suffer your loss till the end of your life. But you will manage.,!!!
You will miss your son or daughter with all your heart. But you will manage.!!!
You will feel, guilt, anger, sadness, loneliness, desperation, heartbreak.
But all these will fade.
You just learn to adapt. That’s all there is.
There are no magic cures, you just become resilient.
It’s extremely difficult in the beginning to see the wood for the trees. It’s impossible to ever see a time beyond how you are feeling at the mo. And I can say whole heartedly that the only people that will have an once of understanding of what you are going through are other bereaved parents. There is a life beyond how you feel at the present, you just have to work out how to get there, but that bit is different for everyone. But whatever you choose to make it go by easier. Well that’s the route for you.
Every single one of us on hear will have black days, we always will, but they do get less and less. If I can put it like this, when I first lost my son I had a black day that lasted for about 3or 4 years . Now my black days can be just a glancing moment on any given random day that just jumps out of the shadows and bites me, but then disappears as quick as it came. May last a second or two but then it’s gone. I can still cry. I can still feel down but it’s manageable and that makes a world of difference.
Ok thanks for listening.
Take care.
Jim.
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Hi Jim, I’m fairly new to posting but would read your posts long before I registered and always found them offering hope. I’m only 5 months in, I lost my son Scott in May, so I’m still in that dark hole that you mentioned with no way out at the moment, I miss him so much that sometimes I think the unthinkable but know that I can’t do that to the rest of my family but the pain is hard to bare, I know you are still in pain but your posts do offer inspiration that in time hopefully we will all be able to see some chinks of light, thank you for that
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Hello Jim,
You explain it so well, and you are exactly right. It will be 6 years for me on the 9th December and next Monday 17th October Sam will be 40. Even now I cannot talk of Sam in past tense and I can feel it building inside of me now, the tears are so very near the surface.
Thank you for your posts.
Love Helen
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It is 4 years since I lost Gemma and I am very different to the early days when I could barely breathe and just was not functioning at all. I am more peaceful now and have mostly good days. But of course the heartbreak will always be there, within me.
I think somehow we learn to live with it, as we have no choice. I love Gemma so much and know that I will see her again one day. But until then I have my other children, my grandchildren and of course my husband, who love me and need me.
Dee, just keep going and I hope that you find hope here as we are further down this very devastating road than you and it dies get easier to bear xxx
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Hi Dee.
You won’t be the first or the last to think about doing the unthinkable under these very testing circumstances. I don’t have any other blood children, Sam was my only child. We were best friends for more years than I care to mention. His death was so out of the blue. My wife (not his mum) has been nothing short of amazing. I really do think talking to others on this site helps a lot. Even if just to Guage wether you are loosing the plot or not. 5 months in is no time at all. Everyone has different ideas of “how long”. Is an acceptable amount of time before you regain your posture again. What I say to those people is,. Go away!!! . It’s different for everyone. It’s not a textbook reference. What works for some doesn’t work for others. I can only think and write like this because I’ve lived this life since Sam died. I would swap the world to have him back. As would all parents on here. This experience is something I wouldn’t wish on my worse enemy. But somehow we get through. I’ve no idea how. We just trundle along. You are at 5 months, I bet you never thought you get past the first couple of days, yet here you are, ok you feel absolutely terrible and empty your heart is cold. But still, you’ve got to the 5 month bit. Well this is how it will be. One day you will have all the first anniversaries under your belt. Then before you know it you can look back and think , Christ I was a mess, but at least today, today I got out of bed and did things I didn’t just give up. Your other kids and your husband need you, but you also need yourself. There have been days I would have been quite happy to walk under a bus. But all that would have done is put my wife in the exact same position I have been in. Waking up and wanting the world to end.
You will cope Dee. This site is full of mum’s just like yourself. Each day that passes is a day nearer to regaining your strength back. It doesn’t feel like it but it is. When I look back now I have no idea how I survived, but I did. I’m not religious in the slightest but I’ve always had hope. For 95%of the time I try and convince myself that Sam is still here. The other 5%. I tell myself I shall be with him again one day.
Take care Dee
Jim
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Dee, it’s early days for you and I understand, as we all do, those dark helpless days when the pain is so great you feel you can’t live anymore. I still get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realise yet again that our beautiful girl has gone. Its was 3 years in July since she passed and I miss her every minute of every day. Yes, I do function normally again, enjoy things and love being with our Granddaughter , the precious gift she left us. I love being with Jemma our eldest and seeing her being such a wonderful Auntie to little Brooke. Time gives us a new way of living. It will never be the same but somehow we manage to cope. The grief still comes when we least expect it though and can knock us sideways but we learn to recover bit more quickly.
My dear, your life has been turned upside down. There is no timescale for grief, its very personal. You have come to the right place as we are the only ones who truly understand how you are feeling.
Take care and keep posting, someone is always here 24/7.
Much love, Kate x
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Hi Dee, I know what you mean about getting distracted for a little while and then remembering how catastrophically bad it is. I’m not very far down the road, my daughter died in January. I’m managing much better at looking ok and seeming calm, tho often I don’t feel like that inside. Other than killing myself (NOT an option) I’m thinking all I can do is keep on keeping on. I’m taking all the help I can get and coming on here helps too. I always read what Jim says as he has way more experience of coping long term and he’s realistic. Every time I come in here I see brave, kind and loving people who are struggling like me. We aren’t alone and we have support here. I think it’s true that people who haven’t experienced it just don’t understand and many don’t even want to think about how we might feel so turn away. I didn’t have a clue myself till it happened to me. Yet parents like us can and do survive. It’s a long hard path and our lives are changed forever, but we can and do deserve some pleasure and joy in our lives. It’s early days, be kind to yourself if you can. You deserve some peace. Big hugs xxx
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I agree everyday is so difficult and I am just coming up for 5 months. Sometimes it seems like yesterday our daughter was alive and others it seems a lifetime ago. I am scared of the future because everyday is difficult and I don’t want to have the memories fade away either. I guess none of us want to start a new life or have our life altered because we are missing a child and yet we have no option but to go on. The song forever autumn was being played yesterday and that is just such a heartbreaker. Jim is right we will continually have black days. We are not religious but I still talk to my daughter in the car in the house and I often speak of Jessie in the present tense too, xxx
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Hi thank you for all your kind messages, I’m really struggling today can’t stop crying, want him back so badly as we all do want our children back, just want the years to go quickly, can’t imagine having to live this life without Scott in it. Thank you for all your support
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Hi Dee, thinking of you and sending you a hug.
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I know darling. Many a time my husband found me on the kitchen floor, having been trying to cook dinner but was overwhelmed with grief and just collapsed to the floor.
It’s all consuming, it is the worst thing that could ever have happened to us. I was clutching my belly, rocking and saying ’ my baby, my baby’ My husband said she wasn’t a baby, she was 31 and a mother. I just stayed on the floor and said that he couldn’t possibly understand as she didn’t grow inside him and he hadn’t pushed her into the world. I know it sounds harsh but it’s what I felt and what I said.
Grief hurts so much so don’t expect much of yourself just now. Just do whatever gives you any kind of peace.
Much love, Kate xx
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Hi Lisa. I fully understand what you are saying about collapsing to the floor I have done it many times myself and I say my baby my baby. But my partner my daughters mum, is, or appears to be coping much better than I am, and we are just grieving in very different ways, I am on diazepam trying to control panic attacks and meltdowns in the supermarket, or wherever, so I think we are all the same but so unique in the way we grieve. I know I have only experienced 5 months but instead of improving even a little it seems to be getting a lot worse because I am now missing my daughter so so much, I miss her humour, her love, her company, her sense of fun, her friendship and so much more, its like a part of yourself is missing and died as well, as a father my daughter was also part of me, and I wish I could have done so much more to protect her and care for her. Hopefully in time life will be a little easier but the sadness will remain for life. In the meantime my daughter is on my mind 24 7 and no minute seems to go by without thinking of her and how this could have happened and how I could have lost my beautiful child. Xxx
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