Yes that is so true , when we saw Jackie last . John asked Dawn if she will meet him when itās his time , she said yes she will meet him but not yet . . How can you exspain something like that . Xxx
Dearest Maddie, I so often ask Lisa if she is here beside me.
I really feel it when I drive past a very prestigious wedding venue here in the Highlands. We worked there together for several years and I catch my breath when I pass the sign to the venue. Recently I have been dreaming about working with Lisa. Its so real I wake up clenching my fists as I dream my hands are sore through wiring venue displays. She is so vibrant and professional, giving me instructions and telling me how well I had done. Oh gosh, my tears are flowing. She was such a beautiful person.xx
Dearest Kate , itās so lovely dreaming about our girls as we can see there beautiful faces, . But not like you I only seem to dream about Dawn when she was a teenager . I can think when she was a teenager she was fit and healthy , . As she became a woman she had many health issues . So hope you have many more dreams of Lisa , thatās the best we can ask for to bring them close to us . With love Maddie xx
Hi all.
Not been on for a while. But trawl through all the messages on here while Iām sat downstairs in the small hours.
Loosing your child has a far reaching affect on you long after such a loss. Itās bad enough in the beginning when it first happens. The trauma knocks all your senses out of kilter.
But once the dust has settled and you are well established on the grief journey, you notice all manner of changes in your persona and also in the way you react to your surroundings.
For a vast majority of the time I can keep it all in check. But as you have all said you think about your child every single day, (that never stops) . I can be fine for days on end and a random memory will pop into your head that upsets the flow of your day. Or the one that really throws me. When you go to bed and are just drifting off to sleep and it pops into your head that you havenāt seen your son/daughter for a year or 2years or 5 years. And your mind suddenly goes into overdrive, for a split second all them images come to mind. The day you got the news, the day you were at the hospital,the day you found them, the day you fell to your knees grasping for air with every emotion known to man being ripped out of your body. It only lasts a few seconds but every time this happens to me I feel like a little lost lonely boy, frightened and insecure. I should be used to it now it happens so often and Iām at year 7.
Also as some of you have mentioned. Driving past certain places or seeing various things or basically having a memory triggered by any number of random things. The bottom line is it doesnāt really take much to provoke a memory that can bring the tears out in you. Iām a 59 yrd bloke and Iāve cried enough to fill a resivoir . Not cause Iām weak. But because to the untrained eye I look just like any other person but bubbling away just under the surface itās all still there.
I think ( my opinion only). You have to carry that juxtaposition around with you forever more. Thereās no getting away with being fine one minute and then being deeply upset the next.
I think one of the biggest hurdles we have to negotiate is how we deal with the people around us or indeed the people we come into contact with. I have actually felt a role reversal with quite a number of people in my life. When I first lost Sam there were quite a number of people that would avoid me like the plague. I didnāt understand why at first. They must have thought if they spoke to me I would suddenly collapse and just melt or something. Well now I avoid them. During the toughest time Iāve ever had to endure they werenāt there. So now Iāve managed to get back on the horse itās obvious I can manage without them people so itās come full circle. Thereās all manner of things that you now do differently. The list is endless
I also have to agree that you do get to a stage that you feel your child is with you all the time. I have felt this for quite some time. In my own mind whatever I am doing I always feel I include him. Wether Iām going to work or a day out or whatever I feel heās sat in the car with me. Iām forever talking to him , like his opinion counts. It may sound weird but if gives you a little bit of comfort. Maybe itās just wishful thinking but whatever it is I know heās around. Also since the day he went he has left untold signs that heās been here, far to many to mention, I would love to not feel any of the above and have him back instead, but we are were we are and we have no other choice other than to carry on. Hoping that when the time comes we get to be with them again. What a day that will be!!!
Ok thanks for listening
Take care
Jim
Wow Jim, that was quite a read - and an uplifting one! Thank you so much for going into such detail! I donāt think you actually said how long it has been now since your Sam died. Youāve probably said so in another post on here but there are so very people who have lost sons & daughters. And we all share that common grief - that bring us together.
My son Joey died exactly four weeks ago this morning, after an horrendous 16-month battle against metastatic testicular cancer. It spread to his abdomen, liver, spine, lungs and eventually his brain.
Throughout his illness, but during the last difficult months especially, I was extremely well surrounded by close friends. They called every day and I could cry or rant and rave at the unfairness of it all as much as I wanted. But there were also a few people Iād known for years, friends & ex-colleagues, who totally ignored me. In three cases people I considered close . Even after my son died - nothing! I cannot understand that - our children grew up together! My husband is definitely more understanding than me. He says, maybe they just canāt, theyāre too uncomfortable- it doesnāt mean they donāt care.
Tough. I have no room for people like that in my life. They werenāt there when I desperately needed an ear during the 50 long days when Joey was in hospital last May, June & July, I needed them in the days before and after his death - even some heartfelt words of support would have been something, but no. Radio silence. So I shall do as you did: Iāve taken them out io my life.
Iām not in the land of the living yet, so to speak. To make things worse is that I became physically ill two weeks ago so Iāve actually been in bed all day every day since the funeral 3 weeks ago - with my thoughts. I talk on the phone with friends every day and the floodgates open immediately. I know at some point Iāll have to resume life, and your comments about what happens- the memory triggers but also how Sam just never leaves your side in a sense, are comforting. I will ALWAYS want Joey in my life physically but since thatās not an option, I will have to settle for him being with me in spirit.
This is a wonderful site to meet people who are in the same grieving parents club. The most support and help Iāve had these past weeks, actually, comes from two other mothers, the same age as me with dons who died this year and were also more or less the same age. I get great comfort from them. Sharing is what itās about, and we have instant understanding. Close friends who are there fir us but who havenāt lost a child, regardless of how well meaning they are - that most important connection isnāt there. Only another parent who has lost a child can really understand the horror.
Thanks for your post, Jim. It will hopefully make this difficult day a little less grim.
Gosh Jim, everything you say is so true and so real ā¦ that moment when you are in bed and a memory pops into your head ā¦
I find that I am much more sensitive to everything now. As though my senses are heightened. At work this week a man (security officer) was very rude and bullying to me. I got back to the ward where I work and was in floods of tears, I just could not hold myself together. My colleagues were amazing but I would have handled that situation so differently before. My emotions are now much closer to the surface.
I understand about avoiding people too ā¦ I walk with my head down a lot more, losing Gemma has knocked my confidence so much ā¦ has knocked the stuffing out of me as my mum would say. I cope by avoiding stressful situations as much as possible and stuck with āmy tribeā, the people I feel comfortable with.
I love the way you describe finding signs that your son has been around ā¦ such a lovely thought.
I talk to Gemma too but that usually ends in tears! Itās a hard road to travel and I feel on this site as though we are picking up more weary travellers on the way. But we keep each other going and you are all such a blessing xxx
Dear friend its so true what you say. We are far more emotional now. In the early days of posting on this site I said I felt I had premeditated grief as I was on a knife edge just waiting for Lisa to have a major problem. She had interstitial lung disease but it was a form so rare the medics were at a loss as to how she looked and kept so well. She was radiant.
However on all her check ups she was made aware that things could get very much worse very quickly. It did, when they were on holiday in Majorca. Thankfully only on the last day but she ended up being rushed to hospital the day after returning to the UK. That was it, 54 days on life support. That nightmare visits me at 3 am normally. I have to get up and make a cuppa, do Wordle on my phone I order to shake the memory out of my head.
Like you, I walk looking down a lot these days. I used to bounce along smiling at everyone. These days, 3 years on, I am much better but the inner sadness is something we all have to live with.
Sending love and hugs.
Kate xx
Dear friend, its such early days and what a journey you have been on. Watching our darling children slip away is the most momentous, horrendous event anyone can ever imagine.
Like you and Jim, probably all of us here, I have completely cut off those who were too frightened to come and offer comfort when we most needed it. They are deleted from my contacts and this summer a Dear friend had a garden party for her 60th. There were lots of our previously āso calledā friends there. I completely blanked them even when one was waving her hand in front of my face, showing off an engagement ring (3rd time round I think).
We donāt need them in our lives, we only need the friends who dropped everything , looked after the dogs, brought us food every day, sat with us weeping too.
They are the real friends.
Take care of yourself, you have been to Hell and back.
Love, Kate xx
Dear Victoria
I find that strangers are the most difficult. Your story about the rude security touched a nerve.My son died of cancer almost 4 months ago. He was 32. I thought I was doing really well in the last week, getting out and more cheerful. Then a man who manages our local hotel attacked me verbally when I was trying to have a quiet meal with a friend. He always barges into conversations and totally blanks me. He is very rude so I responded. He had a āgoā at me and I fell apart, something I would never have done before. I havenāt slept and I donāt want to go out in public again.
Like others here on the site friends have melted away. I donāt have any family with I more than 100 miles. Perhaps those black armbands were a good idea. Donāt know what to do staying in bed today .
All the best everyone, this is tough
So very sorry to read Mouserās message. Just when you were brave enough to go out, you had that horrible experience. I understand you wanting to stay in bed today - why not? Grief is exhausting and you need to take some time to yourself.
Eventually, I hope you will venture out again. I hope you have good friends to support you. I know that some friends ādisappearā when we are going through hard times. Hang on to the good ones.
As you say, this is tough. We all understand this, even though people we encounter in the outside world donāt realise it. Losing a child is the worst thing anyone has to go through.
I lost a beloved son earlier this year, and I the sadness is overwhelming.
All the best to you today - to everyone out there who is grieving their lost children.
Susan J 
Thank you Susan, itās nice to get some comfort. I think I could still be in constant fight alert mode. Anyone else feel that? I fought for my so for so long I canāt stop. Any advice?
M
Hi Joeys Mum,
I start my counselling today, almost 4 months after Samās death. Iāll let you know how it goes.
Much love M
Hi joeys mum.
Iām afraid there are no easy solutions to make you feel better at the lost of your son. After it happens we have to try and find a way through by whatever means. I can remember only to well the aftermath of Sam dying. Itās the worst experience any parent can have . When I think back to some of the states I got in with lack of sleep, or drinking to much . The stress is enough to make anyone ill, one of the hardest things I found was to try and go to sleep. Your brain wonāt switch off. When you are in the early stage itās really difficult to see life ever being any different to how you see it now. The pain and turmoil and sorrow feels like it will last forever. My thoughts are. I think you have to sink to the very bottom before you can begin to surface again and start getting some meaning into your life. But it does happen. People may think itās easy for me to say because Iām 7 years on. But the scars run very deep. The difference between me now and a parent who is in the early stages is you have no control in the early days. Your body and mind will do whatever it wants to do. You may think , Iāll get up today and get ready and go out or go and attend something but your body will just shut down, you have no say over the matter, the grief comes over you like a big black fog and engulfs you. But Iām able to fight that now. You donāt have any fight in you at the beginning. But you do get it back. Takes a while but it does come back.
Victoria. I think loosing a child makes every single one of us more sensitive. The are instances when someone will say or do something and you would have bitten back but now you find yourself getting upset at the slightest remark. You are not on your own we all feel that way. But again. It does come back to you eventually . The loss of a child puts you at zero. You will never be a 10 again for the rest of your life, but you can get back up there and be a 7 or an 8.
Ok thanks for listening.
Take care
Jim
Dear Mouser,
What a miserable experience. Yes, grief is exhausting and it saps us of all our energy. Your emotions are right below the skin and when someone has a go at you itās enough to cause a meltdown. Stay low for a bit and then try again. Iām thinking of you!
Hi all been reading all your posts .for the first time i have no words .i know we all at different stages. Im just broken i want my sam back ā¦jim its like your in our heads u explain how we all feel .i think of you all sending all my love .feel like i dont know my own self i have no words love zoe x like kate said the inner sadness is overwhelming
I started my counselling yesterday. It was a really bad day too, and I cried all the way through it. But it helped. Today I feel I can get on with life again.
Warmest and love to all on the journey.
Mouser
Glad it helped. I didnāt go for counselling. I was fortunate to have had so much support from friends in our small village.
I joined this group 6 weeks into my journey.
Lots of love and hugs.
Kate xx
Kate, I am glad you have good support. I thought I wouldnāt need it but it turns out after 4 months I did.
I hope things go well for you. We plan to take some of my sons ashes to Spain next spring. Where he was happy. Iām looking forward to that.
Much love Mouser
Hi all.
Middle of the night again. Iām rambling just to pass the time.
Since loosing my boy, Iāve got a better understanding of the fact , you donāt know what heartache people carry round with them. We are all so busy getting on with our lives that we donāt really notice other people, I mean really notice them. At some point in our lives we we all suffer from great loss. But until it happens to you , you have no idea how such a loss changes your perspective on absolutely everything.
A throw away line in a film. A particular song. Another personās trauma. Suddenly you see, where once you didnāt. Later on today (Saturday night). We have some friends coming round for a drink and something to eat. I said to my wife , we wonāt mention my dead son. It just makes everyone feel uncomfortable and awkward. I no that may sound a strange thing to say. But I no for a fact that they will be thinking before they get here,. " Hope heās not going to be talking about Sam all night because we wonāt know what to say ". Iām absolutely fine about it, but isnāt it a bizarre concept. Donāt mention your son because it will completely kill the atmosphere. In other words if I want an enjoyable evening I have to take everyone elseās feelings in to account. Thatās how it works. Iām not arguing the that I should be able to mention Sam and stuff what ātheyā think. What Iām saying is , itās just another minefield that us as bereaved parents have to negotiate. Other people!!!
A couple across the street from us lost a young niece 12 months ago. Whenever we bump into them ( which is regular). They canāt wait to tell us how they feel and all the hurdles and how upset they are. I really donāt mind. Iāve been there, got the T,shirt. But in the 7 years since Sam died they have never ever mention him or asked about us, but they think itās ok to unload all there troubles to me n my wife everytime we meet in the street. I donāt mind, the point Iām making is people never see beyond what they can see. I donāt feel annoyed or upset anymore if people donāt take my bereavement into account. How on earth could they it doesnāt affect them so they are not going to feel the pain I carry round with me.
For the first few years I genuinely thought everyone I knew would come up to me at some point and put an arm round me or say a few words. Once you have been bereaved for a while you grow a thick skin. You just have to get on with it. The death of your child strips you down to nothing. You become void of everything apart from the deep sadness you feel. But each day that passes you are rebuilding yourself. You may think lying in bed depressed or drinking to oblivion is what you have become but itās just a coping mechanism. As time passes you add just a little more to your day. You didnāt eat yesterday but you did today. You cried yesterday but you didnāt today. So on and so on. You are rebuilding yourself. In the beginning you are just a hollow shell,. Life is just completely pointless. But you rebuild yourself and get stronger. I never thought I could love anything or anybody ever again. But I do. And thatās what matters at the end of the day. Whenever I come across people now , I try not to judge to quickly as behind those eyes you have no idea whatās going on. I think loosing Sam gave me that ability. I donāt expect people to do the same to me because they may not have lost a Sam. Thatās not their fault, they just donāt have the vision I have.
Rite think Iāve waffled on enough, itās 4 am. Better try some sleep ( Ha!!! those were the days 
)
Thanks for listening
Jim