Hi Helen. I just cant shake off the image of her face. She looked so calm and angelic looking at her partner who was beside himself with despair as he said over and over he loved her so much, sobbing his heart out. Then the drugs brought her to peaceful sleep and I though that was ok as she is not suffering. However when the ECMO machine was switched off she was gasping for breath and turned blue. It was so painful for us all.
At least later when they had removed all the tubes and monitors and she had returned to a normal colour, she just looked like she was sleeping. To hold her then gave me peace too but itâs just the bit before that I remember most.
Love to you Helen from the bottom of my heart. Xx
To all of you Mums and Dads.
The sun is shining today and there has been a change in me. A change so unexpected it has taken me by surprise.
After a terrible Monday this week I woke up yesterday and felt strong again. I have been busy with my bed and breakfast and cottages business so loads to do since I started back again at the beginning of this month. I can feel Lisa pushing me on to be the best I possibly can be in my business. She was so utterly focused on her own talent as a florist and everything was always perfection. She was never down or moody and always laughed her way through possible disasters when things went things didnt go quite how she planned. She was uplifting in every way and that alone is making me heal. Being with my granddaughter yesterday was wonderful and I laughed and sang with her walking through Sainsburyâs car park. She was singing about unicorns and I had to sing with her but really loud Granny! It was a lovely moment and others were turning and laughing too. We brought smiles and giggles to them or maybe they thought I was a nutter! Who knows it was the best tonic for me.
Love and hugs and a unicorn song to you all xxx
Hello Lisa Helen , and all
Lisa I am so pleased for you that you are having a good day, after you bad start on Monday.We all need a break from the Grieving, and its so lovely your wee Grandaughter brings tou some happiness, thatâs the best of Grandchildren, they do make you smile,Iam so pleased you a have a business, that should keep you more than busy to get through the awful days.
Helen , have you seen Marcus lately ? I am going back to the medium in a couple of weeks, and hoping to get something this time , as last time my sister in law came out smiling , so its my turn , (I hope) . Last night I was on the computer and ended up on a site called ,near death exsperiance, and was fascinated, sat on it for 3 hours.People describing how beautiful heaven was. it made me feel happy, as thatâs all we want for our sons and daughters to be happy and out of pain.One person Described , how she was in a coma for 2 weeks, when she came out , told her mother she could see and hear her.That was so lovely, as thatâs all I was hoping that Dawn, could hear us telling her ,how much we loved her , and didnât want her to leave us .
Love and best wishes to you all .xx
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Hello Lisa & Maddie,
Lisa I am so pleased you have had a good day and yes the sun shining does help and the grandchildren are the best tonic, they are so innocent. Maddie, I havenât seen Marcus lately, but intend to before Samâs birthday on the 17th October (he will be 37) I will let you know how I get on, my friends daughter went to see him and he said to her Sam says helloâŚyet he would not know that she was my best friends daughter. I am interested in that site that you went on Maddie, perhaps you could send me the site address. I know Sam is all around me and I can talk out loud and in my head to him, if I was to say that to someone else they would probably call me a nutter, yet I know you all understand on me, it seems to be anything just to try and cope with the most awful thing that ever could happen to anyone. I know I have no patience with people moaning about this or that. Someone once said to me that grief is like waves one day it can just gently lap at you feet and other days the wave will completely go over you head and knock you off your feet. I think that is the most apt description of grief I have ever heard. I seem to be coping at the moment, yet I know it will only take the slightest thing to knock me back down again.
with love
Helen
Dear Helen, Kate and all friends,
So glad you had a good day, Kate and I hope that shows you that there will be brighter days in the midst of the heartbreak and madness and it will give you hope.
I have heard the description of grief being like a wave and it is very apt.
I am having a new plaque put on my parents memorial bench at Cromer and might write âthe sun shone brighter when they were hereâ as I like that and feels right.
Hoping we all have a brighter weekend with much love xxx
You are right. Grief is like a wave. Just back from walking the dogs on a beautiful evening. On my walk I was thinking how lovely it was in the warm sunshine when I met someone I hadnât seen for a while. Well you can guess the next bit. Having to explain about Lisa was all too much and a wave of grief came crashing over me again. So there it is. Definitely like waves.
Hope you all have a nice weekend in the sun and find peace. Kate xx
Hello Helen,
The life after death experience is on YouTube. Let me know what you think ? PS I would go and see Marcus , but just too far to go as I live in Southampton x
Thank you for that very uplifting message so good to be reminded that there can be glimmers of happiness and to enjoy them as much as we can even if its for a short while living in the moment love the singing! Xx
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Hoping you have a good day. No big waves hopefully. There were deer on the path through woods this morning. So lovely. They only moved away as I got quite near. The dogs were scared rather than wanting to chase them. It gave me an overwhelming feeling of peace and the wonders of nature.
Thankfully too early for other walkers this morning so no offers of sympathy or hugs I donât really want just now, only from much loved friends.
My husband has had an enlargement made of a beautiful photo of Lisa and Brooke. Brooke is cuddled into Lisaâs neck and her blonde curls covering most of her Mummyâs face but her stunning blue smiling eyes are showing us the complete and unending love she has for her little girl.
I didnt cry it gave me a reason to be grateful for having such a wonderful human being in my life.
Her sister is the same. Very proud of my two girls. I know one is gone in person but I still have two girls and always will have.
Lots of love and hugs to you today. Kate xxx
Hello Kate,
Yes I always say that as well if anyone asks I always say I have two boysâŚjust once I encountered only a couple of months after Sam had passedâŚbut didnât one of them die? so I just looked at her and walked on never said a word and never will again to that person. I have such good loyal friends and family who openly talk about Sam with no thinking âoh should I say thatâ they just talk about him in the present not the former and itâs so good for me, especially Sally she often says about some funny thing that Sam did (weâve been friends for some thirty odd years and her son Ross went to playschool with Sam then on up to the other schools) we end up laughing or smiling about it.
With love
Helen
Yes we talk about Lisa and Jamieâs flat or car or whatever. Brooke will say Mummy and Daddy love this song on the radio. Always in the present. I feel her in my heart and my soul. Yes we have 2 girls and you have 2 sons. Always will have as what they were in life lives on in death itâs just a different energy.
Lots of love. Kate xx
Hello Lisa,Helen Victoria, Mattala , and all .
We are off to Cornwall tomorrow ,looking forward to it just another break as they are my saviour now. Dawn used to love Cornwall, so we will take a few of her ashes, photo, candle , she comes everywhere with us . Just wish she could of got back one more time .Like you Lisa we have a few ashes in with my husbands mum , some in a little heart, we sprinkled a few in Disney World last year, and the majority are in a tub in the garden . Sometimes, I feel I want to take them out and cuddle her. Am I going mad, is that normal ?I donât know what else to do , to get closer to her. Love Maddie xx
I think just thinking about our children and their personalities and the family events and their chosen careers/paths is good to feel them with us.
I found a video of Lisa and Brooke on fair ground ride last winter. It makes me feel she is still here. She looks do happy and healthy and to hear her voice is so comforting.
Lots of love and hugs.
Kate xxxx
I cuddle a framed photo. This helps me to feel close.
Itâs good that you find some solace in breaks away. I hope this one does you some good. We need all the help we can get.
I now find comfort in my home. This is recent because for a long time (itâs a year now) I felt I wanted to move. Really I think I did not want to be anywhere so this is a definite improvement!
Hugs to everyone. Take care. X
I feel close to Lisa in my car driving as we were always going somewhere with Brooke or just for a coffee together somewhere. It is hard though, as I often turn slightly to my left to ask her something then realise she isnt there.
It will be a long time before any of us can feel normal I guess.
Love to you. Kate xxx
Dear Maddie, Lisa, Helen, Magellan and all,
I envy you all hugging your photos and watching videos of your lovely children. I still canât do that after 19 months. Looking at photos of Gemma upsets me so much and plunges me into panic and tears. I hope one day I will be able to.
Her ashes are in my bedroom and I just feel paralysed about what to do with them and where her final resting place will be. I just want to keep her close.
I still donât think about what happened and live in a kind of bubble but for now that feels like the only way for me.
I have had Charlie for the weekend which has been lovely and gives me hope and happy times.
Maddie, have a lovely time in Cornwall and I love the thought of you taking Dawn with you.
Much love to you all xxx
Hi everyone Iâm struggling with the lose of my daughter itâs getting worse each day Iâm without her. its been 14 months and I still feel this is unbelievable she has gone. I have panics and the feeling of fear she gone. Everything seems so pointless without her I miss her so much we spent everyday together and I cared for her 24/7 I donât even feel a person anymore
Iâm so sorry you are struggling with losing your daughter. I too get those panicky feelings and just have to stop thinking and keep myself busy. I think it is getting a little easier for me.
This site is so helpful as it makes me realise that everyone here has the same feelings so I donât feel so alone.
I wish I had a magic wand to make everything alright for you but will send you a big hug xxx
I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Itâs only 9 weeks this thursday we lost our Lisa but I feel that being on this site and having the support from all these lovely people has helped me over the past weeks. We have a huge amount of support from friends here in the village where we live. This too has helped so much. Being able to talk about Lisa to them and feeling their sadness for me I have felt loved and cared for.
I donât know how long my grief will last but it is what it is and our minds and hearts will heal one day.
Donât feel alone or that youâre not a person anymore. We are all here to listen and help each other.
Our children are a gift to us but none of us knew what their future would be. We have to think of the years we had them with us and remember the good times.
Sending love to you. Kate xx
I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. Itâs only 9 weeks this thursday we lost our Lisa but I feel that being on this site and having the support from all these lovely people has helped me over the past weeks. We have a huge amount of support from friends here in the village where we live. This too has helped so much. Being able to talk about Lisa to them and feeling their sadness for me I have felt loved and cared for.
I donât know how long my grief will last but it is what it is and our minds and hearts will heal one day.
Donât feel alone or that youâre not a person anymore. We are all here to listen and help each other.
Our children are a gift to us but none of us knew what their future would be. We have to think of the years we had them with us and remember the good times.
Sending love to you. Kate xx