So my tales a little different but I’m sure I’m not the only one.
My mam didn’t cope well with the death of her dad (I was 4 at the time) and she turned to alcohol. She was drunk most of my childhood. There were better days and worse.
I find now that she has passed that those good memories (the very few I have) make me so angry.
I spoke to a counsellor ( free 2 hours a month through work) who said I’m grieving what could have been and those good memories make me crave more and I’m angry as I can’t have more. But I’m not sure if it’s that or I’m angry because I spent years as a young carer to her, begging her to choose me over the booze, I spent my student loan to get her into a rehab which she left after 3 days and went back to drinking.
When I had my kids I kept her at arms length as I didn’t want my kids seeing what I’ve seen my whole life, now I feel somehow I made her last 7 years on this earth less somehow but I know I did the right thing for my kids. I’m angry for them they missed out on a grandma/nanna they missed out on so much because she couldn’t beat the addiction.
(I know it’s a disease and everything still really frigging hurts when I’ve sacrificed so much for her she couldn’t fight for me).
So when I found out she was poorly (she has a lot of complications from chronic alcohol use - COPD/ Crones/ malabsorption issues and she lost a lot of weight and eventually went into organ failure) I went with her to appointments I try to help her and care for her but she pushed me away and I was again angry and rejected (again not good enough to be chosen) .
In her last few days she let me visit but she was in and out and barely coherent for more than 5/10 mins at a time. I held her hand as she took her final breaths and if I’m honest I felt relief and I’m angry that this is the first emotion I felt when my mam died. I should have been heart broken sad or something but it was relief that the cycle had ended that there would be no more emotional manipulation no more anxiety over phonecalls from her at 2am crying drunk that she missed me or barrages of abuse for not visiting.
But I’m angry …angry at myself for deleting her messages as I would give anything to hear her voice again. Angry at the fact I can’t look at daffodils without thinking of her. Angry at everyone with a good relationship with their mother. Just so angry. I could set fire to the world with how angry I am at her at life and it all.
I’m just under 8 months into my grief journey and know it’ll get better I’d just love to skip to the end and accept it and be over my anger.
Photo of my stress relievers. Thanks for reading if you made it.
