Loss of parents

Hi everyone, I came across this page when looking online for a counsellor, I feel like I need to speak to people I don’t know.
I lost my mum nearly 8 years ago now, she struggled a lot in her life with her mental health but she suffered a cardiac arrest. It was all so sudden, they managed to get her back but she was on life support and showing no signs of improvement. We decided to turn the life support off and she was gone within a couple of minutes. I felt like I dealt with that quite well as I knew she was in a better place as most of my childhood I saw her struggle and she was in an and out of hospital with this.

Christmas 2022 my dad was really poorly and he was admitted to hospital the day before Christmas Eve with pneumonia. I visited him regularly and spent Christmas Day with him for a couple of hours before I got back to my two boys. Whilst visiting him on Boxing Day the consultant came in and asked if it was okay to speak to him in front of me my dad of course said yes. We were given the devastating news that he had lung cancer, my dads response was “oh just do what you need to do” I left the hospital very upset and continued to visit him daily. He came out of hospital and he was doing much better. He had an appointment at the hospital to see the consultant and I had to take him as there was no one else too. At the appointment we were told it had spread and he would need an endoscopy- again I was very upset but my dad “ I will leave it in your hands”
He never made the endoscopy as he deteriorated so much - we called an ambulance for him and I went to the hospital with him and his wife was with us too. It was just so horrible to experience as you could tell that the cancer had taken over and he wasn’t himself he couldn’t walk, his speech was deteriorating. Daily visits were horrible he was hallucinating, couldn’t talk, incontinent and didn’t know who I was. It was just so horrible to see - on his last day he was surrounded by all his family and he passed away. I had a week off work and went straight back into it after.

Fast forward to now I feel so numb, and asking myself questions about it all. Going over and over the whole thing in my head. I sit there and think I’ll phone him then realise he’s actually gone.
I have two boys and I just feel like I have to get on with it for them and going to work smiling and getting on with it but inside I feel so broken.

Sorry for such a long post but just looking for some advice and support. Thank you


Hi, I’m sorry for the grief that prompted your post. It sounds like you haven’t really given yourself enough time to process the shock of losing your Dad. Whatever the circumstances, losing a parent is a huge loss and the grief can be devastating. Going back to work and pasting on a mask for the world is quite normal in our culture but it doesn’t resolve all the emotions that are churning around in ourselves. Everyday life provides a distraction from our grief but it’s still there, sometimes like a humming in the background and others sharp like a knife cutting into us. My Mum died suddenly in January and I’ve had over eight months of this grief journey. I’m expecting to feel the loss forever and I accept that the pain will come and go in phases. I did a lot of reading and research about grief and that helped to normalise a lot of what I felt. There’s also lots of advice about managing the day to day when you’re grieving. Above all you need to give yourself time to reflect and process. Take care, best wishes xx


Thank you for your message and words of encouragement

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