Hi everyone, I came across this page when looking online for a counsellor, I feel like I need to speak to people I don’t know.
I lost my mum nearly 8 years ago now, she struggled a lot in her life with her mental health but she suffered a cardiac arrest. It was all so sudden, they managed to get her back but she was on life support and showing no signs of improvement. We decided to turn the life support off and she was gone within a couple of minutes. I felt like I dealt with that quite well as I knew she was in a better place as most of my childhood I saw her struggle and she was in an and out of hospital with this.
Christmas 2022 my dad was really poorly and he was admitted to hospital the day before Christmas Eve with pneumonia. I visited him regularly and spent Christmas Day with him for a couple of hours before I got back to my two boys. Whilst visiting him on Boxing Day the consultant came in and asked if it was okay to speak to him in front of me my dad of course said yes. We were given the devastating news that he had lung cancer, my dads response was “oh just do what you need to do” I left the hospital very upset and continued to visit him daily. He came out of hospital and he was doing much better. He had an appointment at the hospital to see the consultant and I had to take him as there was no one else too. At the appointment we were told it had spread and he would need an endoscopy- again I was very upset but my dad “ I will leave it in your hands”
He never made the endoscopy as he deteriorated so much - we called an ambulance for him and I went to the hospital with him and his wife was with us too. It was just so horrible to experience as you could tell that the cancer had taken over and he wasn’t himself he couldn’t walk, his speech was deteriorating. Daily visits were horrible he was hallucinating, couldn’t talk, incontinent and didn’t know who I was. It was just so horrible to see - on his last day he was surrounded by all his family and he passed away. I had a week off work and went straight back into it after.
Fast forward to now I feel so numb, and asking myself questions about it all. Going over and over the whole thing in my head. I sit there and think I’ll phone him then realise he’s actually gone.
I have two boys and I just feel like I have to get on with it for them and going to work smiling and getting on with it but inside I feel so broken.
Sorry for such a long post but just looking for some advice and support. Thank you