I lost my son, my middle child age 33yrs in August 2020. He was involved in a fatal motorcycle accident, he didn’t die immediately but was worked on by the local HEMS team as the accident was very close to the hospital. I know they would have tried everything to keep him alive but he was so poorly they couldn’t even move to the hospital. I know my son wouldn’t have wanted to leave us and would also have fought to stay, I’m sometimes cross with him for not staying, I’m very angry with the driver of the car, I’m angry with the police for not coming to get me immediately so I could have been with him. I’m angry with myself that I didn’t know that he was hurt and needed me, although I must have known something was wrong as I checked his tracker to see where he was.
On the outside to everyone I am strong, I am not crying but inside when I’m alone I cry, I talk to him, I tell him I love him. I can’t seem to find any motivation to go back to work, I can’t get past the feeling that I have failed to keep him safe. I feel that a piece of me is missing and there is a hole in my heart that he fits in. I can’t go to sleep at night without going through the police knocking on the door to his funeral, the parts I don’t know I make up in my head.
I have him with me now and don’t know if I will ever be able to let him go. It gives me comfort to know that he’s with me.
I don’t let people see I’m sad but I am, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m hurting, I feel guilty if I laugh but most of all I miss my boy so much
My god so do I
We have no answer as our boy passed in America. I don’t believe he has gone. We have reported to local police as suspicious!
We need answers x
Dear Debs
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your son.
It’s still fresh for you and I want to say it gets easier but I think you just get used to it.
I lost my son Henry in October 2019 - he was 30. I’ve found a way to get through each day. Meditating helps me a lot. Knowing other people need me…and accepting that no amount of wishing will bring Henry back to us. This site and the lovely people on it too have really helped me.
We all experience anger…at the world, ourselves, our lost children. It’s a burning rage at times 
grief is so complicated at times. I used to go over everything until it was just a huge mess in my head. If I find myself opening that door I keep extra busy to distract myself- it’s like walking a tightrope.
The part of me that Henry had is still with me…I believe we will be reunited and that he’s safe in heaven, waiting for me. Every day that passes takes me further from him but closer to when we will be together again.
Keep posting and know you are not alone - we all understand your suffering.
Big hugs and love
Purple x
Not sure how this works, if your messages was for me?
But thank you! Take care and I wish you health and happiness x
My son died when he was 24, so I know what you’re going through. I wish i was able to wave a magical wand and make it easier for you, but I can’t. Just know that people here are really supportive and that’s a huge help.
If you want to talk away from here, [edited by moderator]. Maybe we can be each other’s support?
Much love and many blessings,
Fred
Sounds helpful…
Thank you for your kind thoughts I forgot I’d registered on this site.
Nearly 2 yrs on and I did go back to work after 6 months but have suddenly gone backwards. I don’t want to see or talk to work people again, the thought of having to fills me with dread. My dr has been great and given me some time off again. It’s good to have time just to sit and remember.
I talk to Jay every day, I still miss his laugh, his calls. I sometimes think I hear his motorcycle pull up outside or his key in the door, the mind is sometimes cruel as if it doesn’t hurt enough!!
On the outside I think to most people I seem fine but my family and close friends say I’m too strong and need to give into my grief.
I feel part of me is missing…… I know that part of me is missing……