Loss of Wife

I have only just discovered this forum after losing my wife 1 year ago. If my exprience can assist anyone then I am glad to help. The best advice I received is to not do anything for 12 months. The best advice I can give is to talk. This can be difficult for men because of the emotions involved. My Mother would certainly not approve of cissy behaviour, maybe because she went through two world wars, Female counsellors are of course very understanding but do they truly know what it is like to lose your soul mate? Last year I reached out to an aquaintance who had just lost his wife and his reaction was yes please. He said :Everyone tells me I know how you feel but I think how can you? You have never been in this position. So we spent some time together sharing notes and both found it very cathartic. He was able to share with me his grief at the loss of the love of his life and I was able to talk to him about my Ann. I could talk all day and all night about her.
So what is the difference a year later? I find that the grief is still with me, I just have learned to live with it. Nothing has changed, I still love her dearly and she is by my side,. We had donated our bodies to academic research years ago so she was accepted at Nottingham University Hospital. There was no funeral but just last week we planted a tree as a memorial in the local park. Although I watched her body leave the house, her spirit never left and remains with me to this day. It was when she was on end of life care that we had a discussion about something irrelevant but we both had entreched views. I made a final point to which she had no reply. She went quiet and said " Do you know, I have Divertuculosis, Cataracts, COPD, Terminal Lung Cancer and I am married to Dipstick". Oh God I love that woman …


Hi @Miken and thank you so much for joining us and giving your insight in to a year on.
Absolutely love your wife’s comment, what a star. :joy::heart:
My loss was sudden and completely unexpected so we didn’t have that talking time but he did at least not have the suffering of any illness. Just went out to play football as usual and never came home.

I’m sure many people on here will benefit from your words but don’t forget to post if you need help too. Many supportive people on here.
Karen xxx

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Hi Miken, When people say they are having councilling, Unless the Councillor has lost a wife, husband, child, parent etc, how can they know how we are feeling?

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@Miken Thank you for your post. I lost my wife of 47 years 4 months ago. She had a stubborn streak and could have easily made the same comment as your dear wife. I have arranged for a memorial bench and to scatter some of her ashes along a walk we did frequently and which I will do again. This way I will be sure of visiting her frequently. I know the grief will never leave me but your post offers hope that it can be lived with. I hope you now find peace.

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Thank you Karen, Indeed, reading between the lines you are both younger than us and the death was sudden. I cannot help thinking that your situation feels even worse. Please feel free to share if you feel able.

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Exactly. I was very lucky in that no-one tried to tell me they know how I feel. Since that point as mentioned to me I thought it might help if I offered to reach out.

Thank you Mike, Hang on to the fact that you are very lucky. Few people go through life experiencing the deep love you have and always will have.

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My darling husband was 60, seemingly fit and well, a driving instructor who also had about 90 acres of farmland, having been a farmer until our girls were small. He was busy all the time and had no hint of a problem until two weeks before his death as he played football. He told me afterwards that he had an ache in his chest after playing. It went off quickly and he drove home and went to the pub as usual. The next week was bank holidays so the leisure centre was closed so no football. During those two weeks he worked as usual both driving and on the land with no problems. That included going up a local mountain and helping me, lifting heavy objects - nothing stopping him.

He went out to play two weeks later as usual, stopped part way through as he felt an ache in his chest and a bit dizzy. One of the other players is a Dr so he sat with him, checking him over. They decided a trip to hospital was a good idea. I still had no idea anything was wrong at this point.
The local hospital to where they were has no A&E so after calling there they tried to call an ambulance. It wasn’t an emergency at this point and they were told 2-3 hours, by this time it was about 10pm.

They then discussed what to do and chose a hospital 24 miles away which this Dr worked in and knew had a heart specialist, whereas neither of them knew the new A&E hospital maybe 10 miles away, or where it was.

On the way the Dr friend was talking to Richard asking how he was - it varied, a bit better, a bit worse, the he simply passed out. Car was stopped, friend got him out and stared CPR whilst stopping a passing car to call an emergency ambulance which arrived very quickly but to no avail. They never got anything from his heart.

I was at home with my 23 year old daughter with a learning disability and had received a call from another friend he had been playing with to tell me they were on their way to hospital so I was just waiting to hear where they went to go and wait in A&E with him. Instead it was a police officer who rang to ask where to find our house and then broke the news when he was here.

My daughter stepped into action calling first our neighbour then my brother. After that my brother took me to my other daughter’s house for me to tell her whilst younger one stayed with the neighbour.

All a nightmare etched in my heart but I am a glass half full kind of person so can see how much worse things could have been for all of us, including Richard.

Sorry, long post and you may regret asking! :joy:


So how long ago was that? It must have been traumatic.

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@Miken April 2022. Not a year yet so I see that as early days yet after loving him since we were innocent sweethearts aged 17. Got back together in 1990 and married in 1993 after many years of only staying in touch by letter, having split up due to physical distance between us.

And yes, it was the worst day of my life. As many others have said, I knew terrible grief when I lost my darling Dad but this hits an all time low.

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