Hi Maverick1916,
I know exactly what you are going through and at 5 weeks I was a total disaster but have to arrange the funeral did keep me busy for a while. Once all the details for the funeral was done I started doing all the little jobs around the house that I never had time for. Now all the jobs are done I feel like I am back in limbo living everyday like the day she passed. People say that you had lots of happy memories but at the moment they don’t fill my mind but just the void of silence , anger and all the grief that goes with it. I would love to just have the happy memories in my mind but at the moment I just can’t seem to clear my mind enough to find them. At least here with people to talk to you almost feel like your screams are heard and not ignored. Although it is horrible for everyone at least we are all going through the same thing just at different stages and the feedback I have had has really started to help me. Just know like me if you need to vent. Talk or just anything people here are all in this together to help I think more than any therapy could ever do. Just remember letting it all out does help rather than bottling it all up. I could just feel the anger growing, you know why her, why not me, why now, why could the doctors do more but at the end of it all it does not change the fact of what my life now is (empty and lonely).
Hi Ron11,
I like you just find it so hard to trust the doctors now. I said to the wife before she passed that I have no faith in our GP now after the things they missed and might even look at other options. The cray they had was only 2 weeks before the one at the hospital and you could tell by the look on the faces of the 2 specialist operating it they know as soon as they had done the xray. It was only the next day we were told on the ward with the private curtains pulled round so everyone on the ward knew at the same time as we found out. The amount of arguing I had every time we had to go to hospital. One time in a&e we were asked to vacate a seperate room so they could take someone’s blood. We were placed in there because the wife was on chemo and had no immune system. I said to the nurse after explaining that we would not leave but if we had to we were going home and not being treated like pieces of meat. For my wife I would always fight for what was right and not just what was easy. The only ones I could never fault were oncology they did there absolute best and fought with everything in their arsenal, and my poor wife took it all and carried on for as long as she could. Heartbreaking now to think what we had to go through but at least I was always there for her.
Hi Rosiejack,
I know they always say the hearing is the last to go but for me my wife was partially deaf since birth so I had to sit hold her hand so she could always feel my touch. At one point she was sleep on her side and I know her hearing aids used to hurt when she done that so I had to remove them because the nurse had no idea how to take them out correctly. Sad really as they were ear moulds and you just have to pull them out firmly. I have some comfort being with my wife but the comfort is for her because I was never going to let her be alone. For me it was the most heartbreaking thing in my life with the image still haunting my mind from time to time.
I miss the kisses, the cuddles and her cracking sense of humour with her terrific smile.
As for you when you go back to work I am sure you will be a bit like me. These days I am a bit unfiltered and care for nothing so if someone says something that offends me or I don’t like I let them know about it. I don’t much care for my job these days and not bothered if they say I have to leave. More things in life that are bigger than work. I not saying you should be the same but in all honesty most people at work completely avoid mentioning anything because they just don’t know what to say. All I will say is be true to yourself and your wife, feelings don’t go away just because your environment changes.
Hi Rosiejack,
I think the way you talk about your wife it is fair to say we had both found are soul mates. My wife to me was my life partner and I am just lost without her. As I said she was only 49 and I am 54 years old. Like you I have thought of going pastime and then fill the gaps with charity but every decision these days I doubt myself as I don’t have my wife to balance out any pros or cons. My wife was always the voice of reasons where I am always reactive immediately and said the consequences. Does make it hard these days when my mind is always on a muddle. Also I find sleeping so hard now. Last night I managed 4 hours which for me is good but I was still just stood in the garden at 4:30am just looking at the stars. At least work is a distraction if nothing else, or that’s what I tell myself. I do end up watching the clock thinking is it time to go home yet then remember there is no rush as it is just me and I will just have something little to eat watch rubbish in the back ground then go to bed and repeat. It is still better than being sat at home with no distractions, that did dry me mad and my mind just wild. It is amazing how similar a situation we seem to be in even down to the feelings but I just manage one day at a time although not looking forward to the firsts of everything like anniversary, Christmas or even birthday. But like my wife always said it is what it is. Can’t change it so just have to find a way through but it would be nice to help others.
Hi Steve C
You have just summed up what the last 5 weeks have been about for me. I am still doing all the little jobs around the house that got put off and strangely a bit of me thinks if I can do all this maybe just maybe.
The what ifs and why are killers and I have so many why didn’t I spot sooner why couldn’t I do more what if I had done this what if I had know that. And yes I am very angry at the world in particular the cardio team it may not be a popular opinion but I would happily see the NHS die as it isn’t fit for purpose and while I understand that isn’t good it does feel like I have been left anger and hate instead of love. I am trying to avoid silence as that is when it hits most. Friends invited me out and it hit me so hard that I left as I heard them talking about plans and Christmas and suddenly I didn’t have any of that. I find myself a member of club I never expected to be it and one that I am not allowed to leave.
Hi Maverick1916,
I can relate to everything you are saying. I question myself so much on the ifs, ands, and maybes of would I could have done that it just drives me mad. Today for me for some unknown reason has been a tough day and the longing for my wife has just hit me hard. Even work does not distract the mind. I am home from work and just sat here thinking why am I still here and not with my wife. Sat at home alone with just the noise of my fingers tapping away at this message. I am lucky if I hear from anyone 1 person in a week I sit here thinking is it still worth even paying a phone bill on a phone that never rings. Like you I am so annoyed with the NHS but more on the side of the GP than anything. Funny really but our hospital almost felt like it was Monday to Friday. After 4pm on a Friday until 8am on Monday the corridors were so empty I could play football in them if I wanted to and the care was just awful. The amount of times I had to find a nurse because of a patient in the same ward as my wife was having problems was too many. One time I had a lady who had stopped breathing so I found a nurse who said ok I will be along shortly I had to scream at her the lady was not breathing and almost drag her to the bed. As soon as she get there she called for emergency and suddenly 4 staff appeared from the doctors room where they had all been chatting.
Hi Rosiejack,
I won’t be on long today as just having a very low day today and not feeling it at all. To me work then home is not living but just being alive such a difference between the 2 when I know how outgoing I used to be with my wife. Hard days are just part of the course I know but they do hit so hard and with my wedding anniversary next week it just feels a bit overwhelming at the moment.
I do try to sleep but normally wake up every couple of hours despite anything I try. I don’t know what else to do these days just like a lost soul with my balance.
I am sorry to hear about you dog though I did think you still had him with you and I do know from when I was younger and we always had a dog that they are part of the family. Totally loving with no expectations like some people in life, just pure love and affection.
I know what you mean, I know rationally I have plenty of support but all I want is his support, but he is not here and never will be. It is an odd feeling for sure but feelings are never rational. I hope regardless of it you can lean on your family, even if it is not the same
So sorry to hear about your loss i lost my beloved 7 months ago i too found the house empty without him im still struggling but i just take one day at a time and try not to think to far in front . I’m sending you big hugs❤️
Steve C
Yes that feeling of just being alive not living is one that I am getting familiar with I don’t like it. I haven’t gone back to work yet due to the nature of my job I never thought I would be grateful for my job.
Yes hospital seems to work like that however I would say the hospice that she spent her final weeks in was so much better.
I am sorry today is a low day and I can only imagine what the feeling around your wedding anniversary.
Thank you all for the things you have said I do appreciate and I apologise for being off line for a few days.
It is just at the moment with my wedding anniversary next week I just feel even more lost then ever and I just need to be left to my own thoughts to try and get through this first before more to follow such as Christmas and birthdays etc.
it never seems to get any easier but at least having somewhere to vent and speak out with some feedback does help.
Take care people