I lost my wife 9 weeks ago and I am just finding so difficult. I knew she had terminal cancer but nothing really prepares you for the loss. So far I have one had one phone call from the bereavement team and a group meeting planned for November and I just feel like I have been left to get on with it. None of my wife’s family wanted to get involved with the funeral it was all left to me and they just wanted to know when the funeral was. Also all the friends we had all seems to have vanished now my wife has passed and she was only 49 years old. I just struggle to sleep or eat these days and wonder why I bother to try and carry on. The house is so quiet and lonely as there was only me and the wife we didn’t have any children. I just feel so alone and even people at work just say time heals and that does not really help but that is as far as compassion goes there. I just don’t know how to carry on these days and always think to myself another done and the next day is just a repeat. Any words of wisdom that can at least give some sensible advice?
Hi Steve it is 8 weeks today since I lost my husband, I am so sorry you find yourself here, I have no words of wisdom but you will get lots of support here. I just take things hour by hour and do what I need to to get by. I do have the occasional good day. I hope that you can find a way to get through the lonely days.
Sorry for your loss Steve , we lost my wife 6 months ago today and I would love to tell you it gets easier but it doesn’t . It does now feel different though to how it felt in the first few weeks / months , I honestly didn’t believe I would survive without her ( nor did I want to ) , but you kind of get used to them not being there over time, you don’t stop missing them / physically aching for them to come back . The biggest load of sh!t I heard from people was time heals , no it doesn’t and I’m pretty sure no one who has ever been through this has ever said that , time passes that’s all , everyday feels like forever but then all of a sudden it’s been 6 months ……
I know all the feelings and have gone through most with the good days and the bad. Just simply walking into a room and still smelling her perfume and before you know it I am in floods of tears with the heartache. We were together for 22 years and not only that but we always worked together. My wife did not driver so every where she need to go I always drove her with no complaints. She was literally my whole world and my everything. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must also be going through but it does help to talk and have responses already is such a comfort.
Hi Dino. Do you have family and support around you to help? It is hear wrenching and I never thought for a minute that time would heal and when people say that to me I just smile and walk away. My face may say one think but my mind is a hundred miles an hour thinking of just everything.
Hi Steve , yes plenty of family and support , it’s just not the same as her being here , that’s what people on this site get, that most other well meaning family / friends don’t .
Hi Steve,
My wife of 55 yrs passed in April of cancer.
For weeks I never thought I would smile let alone laugh again,
But recently that changed a bit,some of the ladies on this site have quite a sense of humour(even battling their grief)some of their comments has enabled a bit of my sense of humour to bubble through the pain,I hope you find some too.
Kind regards Ron.
Sorry you’ve joined this club no body wants to be in mate…no words of advice …there are no words that can help…other than time definitely does not heal…after 18 months I can attest to that. One day at at time is all you can do until things start to clarify from your perspective…how ever long that takes. Use this forum…it’s been my greatest support…
Hi Steve, well firstly my sincere condolences for your loss. I know how painful it is as I lost my wife to terminal secondary breast cancer 3 years and 7 months ago and still trying to rebuild my life, we were happily married for 27 years. For me the first year was the hardest, then the second, then the third. My grief changed over time from being devastated and angry, to resignation of what happened and this took a long time. I still talk aloud to my wife and sometimes just talk to her in my mind. I still live in the same house and not much has changed in the home. So for me the grief became more manageable over time although it’s still always there and even now I sometimes just burst into tears. I try to stay focused on the here and now, keep myself relatively busy. After 13 months of feeling terrible (I didn’t want to be here) I went onto a dating site, and met a woman who was a carer and empathetic. The relationship didn’t last more than 6 months as it was far too difficult for me to cope with the feelings of guilt and betrayal. However, it made me realise that life carries on and we have to realise that the journey is not plain sailing, but there are lovely kind people out there. So be kind to yourself. Loosing your wife is life changing in so many ways, I lost most of our friends (as they don’t know how to talk to you). I feel terribly judged by my wife’s family for having seen another woman. So I’m sorry to say it is a struggle, but I do know that my wife would have wanted me to find happiness, as I would have wanted her to find happiness if the roles had been reversed. Be strong, be kind to yourself, ignore the friends that stop communicating with you and try to live a full life, I am sure that is what our late wife’s would want. Best wishes.
Thank you all for the kind words of support and explaining things clearly. It really does help with others in a similar situation. I think the biggest things is having been able to talk about this msg out load on this forum when you usually sit at home screaming at the walls because there is no one else to talk to. I hope everyone else here is finding the same help and experience I have.
Hi AndC, thank you for telling me your story and I fully appreciate what you have gone through. Me and my wife were together 22 years but we also worked together and lived together, we were never apart. She was always the outgoing talk to anyone kind of person with a very big heart. Don’t get me wrong I am so proud of her. We were initially told she only had 2 months but she fought so hard and made it 15 months. I thought with the time I would be ready but no it still hurt so much and I still tried to do my best for her and give her the best send off I could. But now the funeral has been done and everyone has disappeared into there own lives the phone is quiet and so is the house. I just can’t sleep don’t eat properly and just don’t know what to do with myself.
Hi Steve, I can identify with what you are saying and I can only advise from my own experience. For me, I wanted to becoming reclusive and cut myself off from the outside world. Looking back now this would have been wrong as I think that my grief would have totally consumed me. Luckily, I had two dogs that demanded to be walked regardless of my despair and regardless of the weather. Often I hated the walks, seeing smiling faces and couples walking hand in hand. Old couples walking and not talking to each other. I would feel resentful that they are still together, still a couple at their age and I’m not! But looking back, I think just being out walking observing was a step forwards. I guess what I’m saying is that don’t cut yourself off, however much you want to. I never saw a counsellor although I think talking to a grief counsellor would have been beneficial for me. It is a long and slow journey and you can make it slightly less painful by trying to reconnect to the world. I wish you luck and try talking to a counsellor, like I said I didn’t, but I should have.
So sorry Steve. No words of wisdom, as 11 months on I’m still desperately lonely, especially at night and weekends. But you do gradually start to learn how to live again. It’s a very hard road, and can’t be hurried, and I’m not nearly there yet. But there are occasional moments of enjoyment now - meeting with friends, going for a walk, even enjoying a tv programme I know he’d have loved, too. For now, just try and get through each day, and try to eat. The rest will come over the weeks and months.
It is not a case of wanting to become a recluse but just the way things are happening that is turning out that way. I think many people just try to avoid me because they just don’t know what to say or how to act. I have tried going out alone and linking back up with people but everyone these days just seems to keep their distance. I have thought of going for a meal at one of our favourite restaurants but the thought of being sat there alone is just too much to bear.
For company I do plan to get myself a dog because the wife always wanted one but she always had me going here there and everywhere so we never got one at the time. I do think it will help because at least I will have a dog to greet me when I get home from work as well as the. Company. Also it will get me out of the house every morning and evening going for a walk so that surely should be a good thing.
Hi Rosiejack,
Everything you mention is almost exactly what I am going through. My wife passed away on 22th July and it has been so difficult since. I was surprised when I heard from the bereavement team that the first meeting I have been invited to is not until 15th November. I have not had any calls from them just received a letter. Don’t get me wrong they did take excellent care of my wife and that seems to have been the focus which was right but now she has passed away it is like oh well you will be fine. They did put in the letter that if I am struggling I can call my doctor but that even takes weeks and then you have to wait for a referral. It is hard not to feel abandoned after have gone through so much. But as I said your story sounds so like me. Even 2 days after the funeral I had work questioning me as to when I was coming back with words like you just need to suck it up and get on with it. Hard to find the time to grieve with an understanding workplace like that.
H Rosiejack,
So much of what you say I can relate too and really do empathise with you. All the shopping trips, days out, walks and even at home just chatting away in front of the tv. So many little things we miss and so many people out there take for granted. When I see people taking each other for granted when out just shopping I just want to shout at them because they still have each other. Work is extra hard for me because when the wife was ill they put a desk right next to mine for her because we always worked at the same place as she did not drive so going in and having that desk there still with her pens on etc is difficult.
I can see why when you do bump into people you know and they mention about that they have cancer and understand how difficult that must be for you but these days the odds are good for no one with 1 in 2 people will get some form and f cancer. It is just a shame that in this country we don’t have better ways to screen for it and be able to treat it before it becomes terminal. My wife went to see the doctor 3 times over a month and kept being told it was a bad chest infection. I took her to a&e one day because she was so bad and 2 days later told it was stage 4 lung cancer and this is after the local doctor had done blood and X-ray tests. It makes you wonder if they even looked at the results.
Just remember like you have said to me take care of yourself and to talk or vent you will always find like minded people here who can be a positive voice of reason.
The NHS is quite frankly beyond redemption,my wife passed earlier than she should,through serious mistakes and poor care admitted to by the trust.
Two speciality oncology nurses couldn’t even remove the earrings my wife was wearing,I personally will never set foot in an NHS establishment again unless it’s out of my control.
Hi Rosiejack,
Forgot to say like you I was there when my wife passed and it was the first time I have ever experienced something like that. I can only explain it a place I had to be but did not want to be. I just could not let her be alone and was sleeping at the hospice so I could be with her.
Hi Steve
I am sorry for what you are going through. I lost my wife to heart failure 5 weeks ago she was 44 and everything you said rings a bell and like yourself although we knew the time was coming nothing prepares you for the reality.
I would like nothing more than to lock my self away and not engage in the world anymore as for me my world stopped spinning. However I know that my wife didn’t want that so I struggle on and find ways to pass each day as best as I can and can only hope that one day my grief is different maybe and easier to carry.