Hi,I’m new here and not quite sure what I’m doing! I lost my wife on the 29th September 2023 we was together for 26 year and married nearly 25. My wife passed when she was only 45 she had cancer. I’ve not been coping well since she passed we have a son together and i feel like I’m letting him down as he lost his mum at the same time as I lost my wife. I just feel angry all the time, i do my best to be there for him but don’t think i am,I have good family and friends around but just feel so alone.
Hi Hank I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband just under 2 weeks ago, he was only 56 and we had been together since we were 15 so I understand how absolutely lost you must feel without your other half. I’m not sure I have a lot of advice right now but have you ever been to any type of grief counselling. It’s wonderful you have your family but I wonder if sometimes it would be good to talk to someone who isn’t directly involved. I have 5 grown up children and a little Granddaughter, we are just trying to get through this together and I’m sure you’ve been a big comfort to your son, don’t be so harsh on yourself. Sending you healing hugs
My wife died just 46 days ago as I write. She had a short battle with cancer that took her from fit and active to her death bed in just a few weeks. Like you Hank I feel angry. It should have been me that died first. She was always optimistic about life and “something would always turn up” sadly there wasn’t time for our miracle to show up.
As Allih has said grief counselling can help but in my experience including the advice on this site is that grief counselling is often not offered until months after we suffer our loss. In my case and I suspect yours as well I needed help straight away. For me Xmas got in the way and most services were shut down. Since we are through New Year I have learnt that there is plenty of service out there (including this site) but you have to seek them out yourself. Sign up for anything and everything you can you wont know what will help until you have tried it and take your son with you. You don’t say how old he is but I assume he is an adult. It is important foir both of you to recognize your emotions and to talk about them. I cry so much when every I speak about Carol and how much we meant to each other but I am not ashamed to do so.
A friend pointed out to me that during our 36 years together Carol only ever wished the best that life could bring for me and that was my feeling for her. Just because she has now died is no reason to believe that the same sentiment would not apply. I know she would want me to continue to live my life the best way I can even without her by my side. Don’t be hard on yourself, it will be different for you than it is for your son. You both had different relationships with you wife as yours is different with your son. Be honest and open with each other and keep talking.
So sorry for your loss being so resent you must be on automatic piolet at moment, I’m on waiting list for counselling have been for about 4 months now. Not to put a downer on it people say it gets better! I’m not seeing it if anything it getting harder each day. Big hugs back to you and your family.
Thanks you Hartwood so for your loss also it still raw for you ,i understand where you are coming from you have to lot for help yourself, I’ve been on waiting list for 4 months for counselling, my son is 23 now and he is getting married in 4 months which will be hard for us both as Amanda won’t be there. Ryley is coping pretty well he has his bad day’s of course and I’m there for him the best i can be but I’m not his mum!! Like you i cry every day nothing and everything set it off. I wish you amd your family well.
Don’t wait Hank, seek and you will find is my experience with help for my grief. The Hospice told me they had a waiting list for 1:1 counselling but when they heard my cry for help they responded with immediate 1:1, plus group sessions that start next week, plus a walking group. at the end of the month. What will help I have no idea but I am desperate and doing nothing over Xmas and New Year was the worst time of my life.
Time heals, one day at a time and all the other sayings may well be true but none of them help at this point in time. We can only keep breathing as best we can.
Regards
Derek
I’m actually on the hospice waiting list, your so right about when people say times a healer in my experience it’s not but then every one is different,my brother lost his wife 3 months ago and he is coping really well completely different from me.