Loss

[Djfmgfd4]

Three and a half years after loosing my Dad I have now lost my mom.

My mom and I have been inseparable since we lost Dad, I’ve been her main carer and we haven’t been apart.

On 10th May mom suffered a massive bleed to the brain from an undiagnosed anurisum. Life changed in an instant.

It left mom unable to move her right side, unable to speak or swallow - I never got to hear her voice again. The following week was horrendous, sitting by her bedside watching her deteriorate before my eyes until she passed away on 17th May, one week later.

Now at 61 and for the first time in my life I’m living alone and the house that was so full of life three and a half years ago is now silent

I will never know if she knew I was with her in those final days or if she was aware of what was happening, I hope she didn’t feel any pain or realise the severity of her condition.

I have support from my siblings but as well as their own grief they are now worrying about me.

I didn’t know till now that grief is never the same, when I lost my dad the outpouring was intense. With my mom I feel like I have this rock in my chest that’s preventing me from crying, falling apart.

I saw her go through so much , lost her so quickly, most days i feel numb and keep asking myself did this really happen.

The mornings are so quiet now, the evenings even worse.

I miss them both enourmously and feel so empty.

[olive3]

Hi you need to be kind to yourself you are still in shock, you gave so much and have so many good memories of love rest now and treasure those.
keep posting there are many good people on here you are not alone.

[Djfmgfd4]

Thank you for your kind words, I’ve never posted before but I’m struggling and someone suggested this site might be helpful.

[olive3]

You are so early in this process keep posting others my h better than me will be along

[Ulma]

I’m so very sorry. Your words resonated with me, because I was inseparable from my dad after losing mum and now, when he too is gone, I also live alone in the house I shared with him. I know how soul-crushing that emptiness is. I’m still struggling, but this place has been a invaluable, so it’s good you are here. All we can do is take one day at a time and as Olive said, be kind to ourselves, even though that can be difficult.

[Djfmgfd4]

Ulma,

I’m so sorry for your loss too.

Today I got up early after a really bad night, I spring cleaned the house, I just couldn’t risk sitting still and that stomach wrenching reality hitting me again.

I have this feeling of utter disbelief as if at some point in time I will wake up and it’s all been some dreadful dream and I will get up and mom will be there.

It’s been three weeks today since she passed and crazily, because we never left the house without one another, I feel like I’m waiting for her to come home

A home that doesn’t feel like home anymore.

There’s just this gaping hole in my chest and a dreadful sinking feeling I can’t explain.

[Ulma]

Thank you. You don’t have to explain, I know the sinking feeling all too well. And the not being able to sit still or be inactive. I took to walking myself exhausted, because that stops me from thinking.

It’s very early for you yet, only three weeks, you must still be in shock. It’s good that you have your siblings to support you, do they live near so they can visit you or you them easily? I have a brother, but it’s so different for him, as I imagine it is for your siblings. He could continue with his daily routine, while my daily routine was smashed to pieces. It’s really difficult to adjust to the loneliness.

[Djfmgfd4]

Hi Ulma,

Thank you for your kind words, it helps to know others understand these waves of different emotions that come crashing without warning.

I know grief can be a selfish emotion, you think it’s only you that’s had your heart ripped out, I learnt after loosing dad grief is a part of life and everyone will or has gone through this life-changing loss.

My siblings are near so I visit them and they visit me. As the eldest of the three I also feel some responsibility for making sure they are coping and that can feel exhausting too.

I woke this morning to the silence and fell apart. I know I have to get used to a different life now and that it’s going to be a long journey.

I miss my mom so much, our life together, the role of carer, I could go on and on…

Today I just feel so very sad that she had to leave this world in such a tragic way, when she was so frightened of falling ill. Particularly after seeing how my Dad suffered after fracturing his spine at 78.

His loss is still raw too, it was during Covid which made it so much worse. He had heart failure, renal failure and ankolosing spondylitis (fusing of the spinal column). Dad had five long months of extreme pain, was overdosed on pain meds and spent four days in ICU, then went on to suffer a pulmonary Adena and a duodenal stomach ulcer. All of which took their toll of his already deteriorating health. Dad never walked again after the fall but we still had dad, we had lots of heartbreaking conversations of course but we also had laughs amongst the tears. We had dad home for three weeks before he passed three and a half years ago.

To get up with mom one morning with everything normal and within minutes see her having seizures and then being told the severity of the anurisum bleed is still so unreal. Mom never regained consciousness, never spoke, may never have known we were all with her.

I’m trying to focus on the wonderful years we all had together and the bond we all shared,

But at the moment I just feel so completely empty and so lost.

[Ulma]

It’s the great thing about this place, that it makes you feel less alone. So many others here are grieving too and everyone tries to be helpful. But I wouldn’t say grief is a selfish emotion, we’ve all had an unique relationship with the person we lost and our grief is unique, so even if others have experienced loss, it won’t be quite the same for everyone.

Glad to hear your siblings are near, though of course it must be an added burden for you being the eldest and feeling like you need be there for them. It’s hard being strong for others when you mostly just need someone to lean on yourself.

I’m soŕry your father had to go through so much. That too must have been traumatic, but in a different way. They say that even if someone is unconscious, they might be aware of their surroundings, so it isn’t impossible that your mum knew you were there.

Take it day by day right now, don’t think ahead. The silence is deafening, I keep the radio on all the time to fill it and often have the TV on as well. It isn’t the same, but it makes a difference. Sending hugs.

[Burgled]

On the subject of grief being selfish, I have 2 close friends who each lost a brother in childhood. I found myself almost apologising for sharing how I felt about losing my dad, and both of them said that, on the contrary, they see my loss as being much greater. I don’t know whether it is or it isn’t, but I concur with Ulma that each loss is different and needs to be felt fully.

[Djfmgfd4]

Apologies if anyone felt I meant grief itself is selfish. Of course it’s not.

I found that talking about my loss with friends enabled them to share their losses with me and it just made me realise that although my grief was immediate and had happened only a few weeks ago, everyone has suffered a loss at some point in their lives and despite it feeling all consuming it wasn’t all about me and my loss, others had travelled this journey too.

[Burgled]

I know. It’s crazy to think that other people feel this pain, too . It’s the worst.

[Ulma]

Absolutely no need to apologise. It’s an odd comfort that others have experienced it too, but it is a comfort.