Hi
Just needed to find some help. Yesterday a 05.32am i witnessed the death of the man i loved for 21 years. I can not get those last images out of my head. Harry taking his last breath. He had been fighting the hardest fight for 14 months with leukemia. Im so very lost, sad and broken hearted, i dont know what to do, where to go.
So very sorry shellbells. I, we all, know how you are feeling. You have come to the right place. You are bound to be in shock right now. Just breathe, take one hour at a time. It is so raw for you right now. Everyone here has been where you are now. You can say anything, ask anything. We understand and hold your hand. Xx
Thank you, it hurts so very much for you taking the timr to reply x
Yes. It hurts very much. My husband died 6 weeks ago. It was a sudden cardiac arrest, in bed, next to me. So, very different to your experience. I donāt think either is better, or worse. I joined here because I wanted to talk to others who were hurting as much as I was, and would understand my pain. It has been helpful to me. I hope you will also feel the support that I have felt. Sending you a big hug. Xx
Im so sorry for you. I know we hear that everyday from friends and family. Whats getting me right now is the āhow are you, are you ok?ā and āif there is anything i can do for you, anything just askā. And all i want to say is like what!.
No sleep in days, no food i can eat. Totally ful of self pitty. Harry would say ācome on, babsters get a gripā!
Oh @Shellbells Iām so sorry for your loss and like willow I hope you find some comfort being on here.
I also used to get very upset about people asking exactly what you say.
Loads of texts and cards saying ālet me know if thereās anything I can doā - or ājust get in touchā ā¦ā¦ How can you know what you need, or how to ask for it when your world has been shattered.
Now I have little time for those people and just tell them I am terrible ( that usually shuts them up ! ) but I donāt think they mean badly - they are just at a loss of what to say or do.
Youāll find your emotions are all over the place at the moment so be kind to yourself and lean on those you can trust and are closest to you.
Iām so sorry you are here - life and love can be so hard for us all but we do truly get it on here. We are all on the rollercoaster with you
Sending hugs and strength xxx
Shell of course the images are still in your mind but try and think more of happier times. I too was with my husband when he took his last breath and I can still picture what he looked like in my mind. Gradually that image is fading and I look at pictures of him smiling.
This is so hard for all of us but keep posting here. We all understand
Thank you Roni,
I just want to find a place where i can just be at peace with this! I know its not going to go away, but i see people look at me and all they see is a former shadow of me, then they say " how are you"?. Oh i just want to say ffing Brilliant! im living the dream!..ive been off work for 1 month now, and i know i need to go back? I have no Harry to ask 
.
My friend came to see me today. She sent me a photo of pre covid, pre chemo , and made me feel better. Im hoping to get this framed tomorrow. All i can remember are images of Harry when he was ill, last breath and nothing until this photo. So thsnk you x
Yes I completely understand that. A bit of respite and peace with less pain would be good.
I still get pitying looks and people avoiding me as if I have the plague. Two sets of neighbours havenāt even said a word to me since my husband died, even though theyāve been in my house loads and would happily come to our Hogmanay parties each year.
People are awful around loss and death. But it makes it so much harder for us who are grieving.
I hope you get some rest tonight and keep posting here - youāre not alone and there are others who can support you.
Xx
How do you sleep without flash backs? All i want is to text him, get a reply, talk tomorrow and know hes alright. Thank you for replying and i know you are in pain just like me xx
I make sure I am so tired when I try go to sleep that I do just that - sleep. I go to bed too late and need to try get better at that.
I often go over in my mind what happened - I stayed with my husband in the hospice for the last 3 weeks as he deteriorated quickly, so there is still a lot for me to process. Difficult as it was, I am so glad I was able to stay with him for that last journey, even though it still breaks my heart and I try to block it all from my mind.
I used to stare out the window at the beautiful view, feeling like I was in a time bubble, while people went on with their lives outside in the real world.
But I would have done anything just to be there forever, stuck in time with him still with me.
It is just so sad and I struggle daily with how to live with that, and think I always will.
Sorry I have no answers - but I did text him in the early days even though I knew there would be no reply.
Hope you get a restful night tonight xxx
Me too, people have asked me how I cope with it. I always say that I have no choice. I didnāt choose this. What is the alternative to ācopingā? There isnāt one. We sink, or we swim. I have responsibilities, so I cope with it as best as I can. I donāt love it all, but I did love him, and he loved me. So, I do what I have to do, what I would want him to do if I had died first. Look after my daughter, keep putting one foot in front of the other, fake it until I make it.
Xx
I have texted him since Friday. Even though he only he left me yesterday. I think he was just preparing me with no response. Im sitting on the floor right now trying to find him. Sounds silly i know, but all i can hear his breathing, deep and painful in his last few hours, sitting on the floor i canāt hear it. Keep looking out the window. And i agree that last journey together brings alot of pain, but also slot of comfort. I very hope you sleep well too. Thank you for that reply xx
Iām so sorry for your loss @Shellbells
Its horrible I know when you watch your beloved take their last breath. But such a privilege to have been there
But please believe me the bad images do fade.
Like you I just wanted to know he was ok.
Iām19 weeks in tomorrow and Iām still struggling, but I am starting to cope. And gradually you will too
I wonāt pretend itās been easy and I know thereās a long way to go.
But I will get there eventually, to a place where I can be at peace with myself. I shall always love Roger and I shall never stop loving him.
Please keep posting on here everyone understands and will listen to you, and support you.
Sending you big hugs x
Thank you for the hugs. I really needed one more than i ever imagined, and one sent right back xc
Were all ready with hugs on here
And we all need them
Heres another 
x x
Oh gosh i feel for you. Its been 6 weeks since my husband went and like you i was expecting him to come home. We didnt get back there in time for the end so i never got to say goodbye either. I will say he looked so at peace afterwards, it was lovely to see. I talk to him all the time and read our last whats app messages. Love to you, may you find peace