Lost after losing my Dad

Hi, I’m a newbie here. I’m not even sure if this support network is specifically for people who have ties to Sue Ryder in regards to their loss, as I cant say that I personally have. To be honest I’m stuck in a spiral of grief and on a quick search saw the Sue Ryder name and immediately felt like this was the place to go. I lost my dad two years ago in April, he died really suddenly in his early 40s of a heart aneurysm. no warning at all, he just went. I was really close to him. We were very similar in personality and tastes so we got on really well and he was more like a best friend than a father. I obviously wasnt prepared to lose him, I saw him that morning then had a knock at the door a couple of hours later telling me he’d died. after that everything went numb and into a blur. I remember trying to tell myself over and over again he’d gone but I didnt grieve. To be honest I’m not sure when the grieving started. the funeral came and went and I had all these people offering condolences and crying whilst I comforted them. It was about 6 months later that his Will was released and his girlfriend contested what he had left in his will. Which through me into shock because up until the week before I got that letter I was helping her deal with the grief before returning home. So that was another stress-filled year where I remained unable to start grieving. When all that finally ended I expected to suddenly feel the pain of my loss. like in the movies. I’ve cried every so often since his passing but its like moments of grief where my brain wont let me accept it. But every night I think about how my stepmother hurt me so much, and every night I dream about my dad and either his death being a mistake or he can come back just for a day and I cry telling him what has happened and he wont believe me. I’ve suffered with depression in the past and every day Ive had these dreams which have become more frequent this year I feel like I’m trapped in a pit I cant escape. I want to be able to grieve and accept his death but I cant. My mind tries to avoid death entirely. members of my extended family have been really ill and I cant even call them to support them because I cant deal with it. People have died and I havent gone to funerals, people have gotten married and I cant go into the churches. I spend my life paranoid, firstly about people close to me being hurt or worse, or something happening to me. Then we had a fire which made the paranoia so much worse. My fiance is caring and supportive but he always says he doesnt know how to help so I dont like bringing it up with him too much because I know it hurts him that he can fix it. I just dont know what to do, I feel like I’m lost in the woods and cant find my way out. I’m just kind of stuck.

Hi Blue zombie im very sorry for your loss .To answer your question re sue ryder the answer is no i too just stumbled on to this site .Have you seen your gp ? had councelling or phoned the samaritains (i do all 3 )i empathise your loss .Ilost my darling wife bjut im sure people will contact you soon .Dont be a sranger on here Colin (57)

Thank you for responding Colin I really appreciate it. I was in therapy before my father died for anxiety and depression and took a break for a few months afterwards to try and wrap my head around it myself. I returned to therapy about 6 months after my dads death and continued my sessions, my therapist said I needed time to grieve when I said I didnt feel like I was mourning and hadn’t accepted it yet. I guess I thought after the first anniversary I’d feel different, like feel it was real. But we are nearing the second anniversary now and I feel like I havent dealt with it one way or another, I just feel the stress of the aftermath and still refer to my dad as “is” instead of “was” and dont feel like hes gone. I’ve considered going back to therapy but last time I had to wait 8 months to get my first session, I also find myself trying to convince doctors and therapists Im fine when I dont mean to. I do struggle with opening up to people because of my anxiety which is why a forum like this seemed safer to me as I could remain anonymous. I’m not sure where my anxiety ends and natural grief begins in regards to worrying about something bad happening to someone close to me. I thought it would lessen over time but then we’ve had enough stressful situations to top that up. Its just hard to know whats “normal” with grief. Did you struggle with any thoughts like this?

HI Blue zombie being honest i dont have any trouble telling my gp or councillor how i feel .Its the general public i have problems with (i have no friends ) I still sometimes start to fill in prescriptions in my wifes name then i stop and remember .At times i still think shell be at home when i return but before i get to the door i remember .No one will judge you here we are all suffering in different ways .My nightmare is sometimes easy and sometimes comlicated .Time is a great healer i completely disagree .It forces me to think a different way .Hope ive helped and can help Caolin

Thank you!

It’s nice to know though that there are always friends on here to talk to as we’re all in the same boat!

Hi BlueZombieDuck,

First of all, as Colin says, anyone affected by terminal illness or bereavement is welcome to use this site - you don’t have to have any previous connection with Sue Ryder.

I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your dad and the issues that you have had with your step-mother contesting the will. It sounds as though all the stress prevented you from grieving properly.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site and I hope that it helps a little to have this outlet for your feelings. You aren’t alone here. You might want to have a read of some of our other conversations and post replies if you find anyone you would like to talk to.

For example, Jane1967 has also had issues with family members following the death of her dad: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/dad-gone-mum-and-sister-are-distant

Grimberts is struggling to move on three years after a bereavement: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/how-do-i-move-3-years-later

Sorry to hear that you are facing such a long wait for counselling - it does sound as though you might benefit from some support. I hope that this online community is a good source of support in the meantime. You can also get support by calling Cruse Bereavement on their helpline - 0808 808 1677 or helpline@cruse.org.uk, or by joining one of their local support groups.

Thank you for your responses everyone, its great to know theres such a wonderful support network. Colin I understand the feeling of your stomach dropping when you remember they arent there anymore, I used to call my dad every day and sometimes find myself hovering over the call button before I remember he’s gone. Sometimes I dont forget but find myself pacing feeling like Ive forgotten something and then realising its because I would of normally called him and thats almost just as bad. I’m sorry for your loss, I too dont really have many people to turn to socially which is why I am glad I’ve found this group, and I cant thank you enough for responding to me.

Thank you Priscilla for your kind words and for the links, its a good way to reach out to people in a similar predicament as most people I know have looked like deer in headlights when I talk about some things they havent experienced. I will check out Cruse bereavement right away.
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it
xx

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