Lost and alone

First time on here but just needed to reach out to someone really.

I lost my dad 5 and a half years ago and I haven’t managed well without him at all.
My mum left a long time before that and I do not wish to be in contact with her. She did gate crash my dads funeral with her bf and she contested his Will but didn’t get anywhere. She just isn’t a nice person and was never a ‘mum’ to me.

I do not have any other family apart from a sister. She is married and has a beautiful niece who I love dearly.
At this point I’d like to say I’m 30, no kids and unmarried.
3 years ago, within a year I became engaged, suffered a miscarriage and also became single.

I do have a new partner (been together 2 years) but he doesn’t understand me very well lately (thinks I’m Cross when I’m sad) and we seem to argue a lot lately.
I know I’m down, I cry a lot. Pretty much every day. When I’m alone or around him. And right now I don’t want to be here.

I miss my dad so much. I told him everything and I just haven’t coped with losing him as my friend let alone my dad.

Today I found out 2 of my friends are pregnant.
I’ve always been happy for everyone else with their situations, but this time I’m devastated. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mum. I tried to explain to my partner how I was feeling but it ended up an argument.
I just wanted him to see my point of view. We have spoken about the future, marriage kids etc, but he always moves the goal post. He is 30 as well. But I don’t think he realises we are getting older and whilst he could still become a dad no problem over the next 30 years, my clock is ticking and I need a plan of action really in the next 5 years maximum so I’m not a geriatric mum.

I feel really lost.
I don’t have any friends where I work or where I live. My life is my job and cooking and cleaning.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for out of this, advice etc.
Maybe just to know I’m not the only one who feels everything is against them?

My partner has told me I focus too much on the negative. Which is true but I honestly do not know how to be happy without feeling guilty or without worrying something is going to go wrong.
My sister suffers with depression, I cannot speak to her about my problems or feelings because she always manages to talk about herself.

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Hey there,

I’m new here too and I read your post and wanted to reply. A lot of what I was reading reminded me of myself a few years ago.
I have always been told a very motherly person and I have always wanted children since I was a little girl. I have had numerous miscarriages along the way and each one (6 in total) just made me even more desperate to have a baby of my own.
it was like there was this great big void in myself that I just couldn’t fill. I haven’t had the best relationships either most were abusive one way or another until I met my children’s dad. We got together and were together for a total of 7 years.
Looking back on it all now I can say that I settled because he was the best of a bad bunch. I wanted children of my own and he wasn’t a horrible person he didn’t abuse me he just didn’t really seem to want to put any effort into our relationship and so was quite neglectful of me and my needs.
We ended up having my son and 3 years later after another miscarriage my daughter. So now I had the children I wanted but I was miserable with their dad, we were more like 2 housemates than anything else.
Sadly it took the sudden death of my uncle for me to come to my senses. listening to my aunts beautiful words being read by the vicar about their love for one another and how they were soulmates, and about the richness and happiness that they had together that I realised I had settled for less than I deserved and I wanted to try achieve just a fraction of what my aunt and uncle had. I was so focused on having a child that I neglected the most important thing myself.

I understand your pain and longing for a child and I understand that loosing someone you confided in must be very difficult for you. The best advice I can offer to you though is this,
1)make sure that you first take care of yourself and your wellbeing love who you are and become comfortable in your own skin. Seek counselling for your loss and to help you build your self worth and hopefully stop you from feeling lost.
2) Secondly look at your life and the people currently in it and ask yourself those tough questions “am I happy with them in my life?” “Are they contributing to my wellbeing or not?” “Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with them?” “Do I deserve better?” “Am I in love with them?”. Quite often when we are low and feeling negative we attract more negativity so what I mean here is look at who’s around you (including but not exclusive to your partner) and try an cut out the ones that are poisonous as you will find that by keeping them with you will result in them trying to bring you down too
3) if after 1 & 2 you can answer yes and be happy with yourself and your partner and the people in your life then and only then should you consider children. If you have a child without first achieving steps 1&2 then things will start to crumble and then that child suffers because of it.

I hope I’ve offered some help and not rambled too much (I suffer insomnia and I’m currently at 48 hours of no sleep lol) and I hope you feel better soon!