First time on here but just needed to reach out to someone really.
I lost my dad 5 and a half years ago and I haven’t managed well without him at all.
My mum left a long time before that and I do not wish to be in contact with her. She did gate crash my dads funeral with her bf and she contested his Will but didn’t get anywhere. She just isn’t a nice person and was never a ‘mum’ to me.
I do not have any other family apart from a sister. She is married and has a beautiful niece who I love dearly.
At this point I’d like to say I’m 30, no kids and unmarried.
3 years ago, within a year I became engaged, suffered a miscarriage and also became single.
I do have a new partner (been together 2 years) but he doesn’t understand me very well lately (thinks I’m Cross when I’m sad) and we seem to argue a lot lately.
I know I’m down, I cry a lot. Pretty much every day. When I’m alone or around him. And right now I don’t want to be here.
I miss my dad so much. I told him everything and I just haven’t coped with losing him as my friend let alone my dad.
Today I found out 2 of my friends are pregnant.
I’ve always been happy for everyone else with their situations, but this time I’m devastated. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mum. I tried to explain to my partner how I was feeling but it ended up an argument.
I just wanted him to see my point of view. We have spoken about the future, marriage kids etc, but he always moves the goal post. He is 30 as well. But I don’t think he realises we are getting older and whilst he could still become a dad no problem over the next 30 years, my clock is ticking and I need a plan of action really in the next 5 years maximum so I’m not a geriatric mum.
I feel really lost.
I don’t have any friends where I work or where I live. My life is my job and cooking and cleaning.
I don’t really know what I’m looking for out of this, advice etc.
Maybe just to know I’m not the only one who feels everything is against them?
My partner has told me I focus too much on the negative. Which is true but I honestly do not know how to be happy without feeling guilty or without worrying something is going to go wrong.
My sister suffers with depression, I cannot speak to her about my problems or feelings because she always manages to talk about herself.