Lost and broken

My beloved left me on 7th November . He just went asleep and never woke . I feel like I’m in a fog that I can’t get out of. Getting up is so hard going asleep and trying to rest is awful. How do we even go on

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How indeed Maz? I’m so sorry for your loss. My husband died on the 4th, it is very very hard. The word grief is as negative as it sounds. I am trying to keep going ad I guess you are too x I’m thinking of you, I really am. I have hit anger now and there are so many facets to my personal grief. We all have different experiences, different lives our grief is as different. The common thing is, we are all so lost, our lives as we know it are changed, we are all in a hard place x Hopefully we can support each other. What I do know is that the draw reality is disabling at the moment, I am currently disabled mentally, mental health and resilience takes an astronomical hit - do not doubt. I hope you have a wealth of support around you as I do, I have a job to return to, friends neighbours and my wonderful family. I put the Christmas decorations up yesterday and was Ok at the time but not after. I swear alot in my anger, I talk to my husband all the time x Today, I have let in bed and allowed myself to myther. I am going to face the shower and take a walk to the shop, that’s so hard, I feel detached and vulnerable but, I will take deep breaths and I will make myself do things x If I do one small thing a day that is,self challenging, I know I am moving forward. This allows me to sodden my pillow in tears and screams, it kind of gives me permission. A lot of the time, I am.numb, almost walking in circles of confusion… but one forward positive a day that makes me face the reality is what I am doing x Friday, the funeral and then *&£€¥$€ what? There goes the anger again. I hope this is helpful to you, there is no easy way to say this, this is as bad as it gets, y0u are not going to feel ok, but that’s ok and when normal resumes it will still be a different and sad normal … hopefully, we will one day wake and be less sad. Hopefully we will embrace life with you again, obviously not sure right now. One of the thi he my husband loved about me was my ability to just be content x x that contentment is currently gone x lots of love to you x x

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Thanks hun. We had the funeral last Friday and Iv been like a zombie since. Iv got an amazing support network we have a big blended family who are all as heartbroken but trying to stay strong for me . My friends have been amazing but I just want to know we’re my soulmate is , is he ok? Why did he go. It’s eating me up my brain is shouting and I’m angry with this world. I feel like I don’t want to go on but I obviously have to . My family have been through so much grief in the last 4 years to last a lifetime . It’s good to know there are people here who know the feelings as though your own heartbeat has left you. I hope your doing ok hun xxx

Thank you Maz, 8 have just re written the tribute for the order of service x we only got married August and had no idea that the raging was inside him x I simply don’t know who I am now x but hope I find out x work… I will be back at work as pife uas to go on x This is so bad isn’t it, losing the one person you expect.to be there everyday x I have some funny ideas about soul mates and stuff x but I know that right now, my soul is destroyed x I’ve lost my favourite person ever x he’s gone x we hid very little x we had no drama x no bad times x our love was very very simple and easy x it seems s9 unfair, unjust x it makes me.angry x hope youre ok too x Its blooming hard but I think I will fight … fight for contentment because my contentment was what he loved mostly about me x It has to be found, I promised him, I would live my best life, that I would be ok x we too were blessed with very little time and the shock was harsh but for you…
Oh my gosh x x I remember when he was ill and confused in the last few days, I was also confused, I felt like I.was in his body, like we were one x I’m scared, scared of the future,.scared of the funeral x just so scared x

Oh my god cinders my heart breaks for you. You will stay strong for your beloveds funeral as we all have to. But if your anything like lots of us you will be slowly wanting to just curl up in a ball and scream with a blanket over your head . We had 14 years together 11 of them married which joined our grown up children together as siblings who adore each other . We have 12 amazing grandbabies between us oh but what I wouldn’t give to have my heartbeat back again. I feel like I’m just excisting hour by hour. Our poor dog is pining for her daddy and just cries by the door . I’m concerned for her as she was always daddies baby .
I will be thinking of you hun as you say your last farewells to your darling xx big loves

CINDERS21
I am thinking of you, it is painful to do all the arrangements, people are nice and sympathetic unfortunately there are not word to describe and prepare you for that moment.

I think many in this community would be with you in this day.
Lovexxxx

Thank you x it’s so comforting x and I’m thinking of all of all 9f you too x

Hi cinders how has your day been ? Hope your coping as best you can xx big hugs

Hi Mazz, I literally want to tear my hair out at times x I feel worse now and my energy levels are so low x I thought I was doing Ok until a few days ago although I had obviously felt bleak at times and so upset. I want him here so much it’s a physical feeling that I am sure most of us feel. I am not able to move any personal stuff just yet, I just want to leave it there. There is no doubt, this loss is hell on earth but I am so comforted I am not alone. Although, I hate to think of anyone else.feeling this, such as yourself x I know I am lucky, to have no guilt and things are relatively straight forward- you do learn exactly who people are at a time like this dont you? I have an ugliness bugging me right now but Ille be damned I’m.going to carry that one X im.so angry and it’s so against my personality x I’m not me.right now x How had your day been?

Awww big hugs hunny. I’m the same ranting , raving we brought my heartbeats ashes home today so Iv sobbed and ranted , shouted at the bloody box he’s in how can you even be in there :broken_heart::broken_heart::broken_heart: I’m now up on bed which is the only place I want to be. I’m on my second night alone which is what I want .
I can’t even begin to move any of his stuff as it hurts too much but I have been wearing his tops which bring a bit of comfort. How can we even go on when we feel like this . I’m sobbing just writing this . The least thing sets me off . I miss him so much and just want to be with him :broken_heart::broken_heart::cry::cry:

It has to get easier, it’s so hard Maz, I’ve never experienced anything like this x feel like my throat has been cut, I barely know what to do with myself x let the sobs out, it’s ok x and Well done on your own x x

Cinders it’s too hard to cope with . How my daughter even coped after her partner was murdered leaving her with 2 young children I will never know. She’s been amazing best mummy ever to her boys . And she’s had been my rock since I lost my heartbeat.
Big hugs hun we can do this xxx

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We can and we will x all the love max. I am lying in my bed, reluctant to change the bed sheets, it’s five weeks on Wednesday and yes … I just can not do it x I changed them on the day he went into the hospice but because in theory, I slept I this bed after his death on the Wednesday I feel part of him is here x I have just said to him, he still makes me smile even though he isn’t here, how strange is that that I can feel him x everytime I stand where we used time it together in the kitchen, I feel a chill all down my back, he is here I can feel him x I didn’t expect that but I do want it x I feel he is ok but he wants me to be ok so I keep reassuring him that i will be x I have to be x there is a life to live its just tainted with loss and sadness x lots of love to you x

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