I lost my mum on Sunday 02nd March 25 to a very short 19 day battle with cancer
And i then lost my Dad on Sunday 09th March 25 to end stage heart failure just 7 day’s apart
Im spinning out of control i suffer from clinical depression and Anxiety and Self harm as a coping method
Im frightened im going to revert to Self harm i have contacted my gp and been given meds and do have a good support around me but is there anybody out there with some advice they could share to help me through this situation
Thank You
Manda x
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Manda, I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
Pain is an inevitable part of life and should be observed without judgement. My heart goes out to you.
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Of course, you are spinning. This is natural and normal. Your foundation is gone, you feel old and orphaned at the same time. It is horrible. You’ve every right to feel sad and depressed and in shock and scared and nauseous and anxiety ridden, and sleepless and drowning in grief. All normal responses.
You are going to make it through. It won’t be easy and it will take a long time and a toll on you but you will make it. But, please, no need to hurt yourself more. You’ve enough pain.
Cry yours eyes out until the tears stop. They will. Scream into your pillow. Punch the pillow, let the frustration out and take long walks.
For now, concentrate on paying your bills, eating nutritious food and feeding the kids and pets. Take each day hour by hour. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. Give yourself time to grieve, there is no shame in grieving the loss of your parents and however you handle it is good. Just don’t harm yourself physically. A second wound doesn’t make the other go away, it just gives you 2 wounds.
Much love.
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Thank you for your kind words and Advice Peterb
I will take on board your words
Take care fella x
Thank you for the kind words Peaches
Thankfully ive not cut and dont intended to i pinky promised my Mum and am a true beliver in keeping them promises.
I will take on board your advice about coping
Take care Sweet xx