Lost both my mum and dad in 2 years

My name is steve. In july of 2021 i lost my mother to bronchestisis because of an infection. She caused me alot of stress in my life (not intentionally) her mental health wasnt great. She had issues with her lungs for a long time. But her mental health did have alot of impact as to how i feel today.
At one point around 10 years ago she missed her meds for a few days and went crazy. She ended up leaving my dad at this point and then ended up in a psyche ward. Fast forward to 2019 she was in bed and i walked in to wake her up one morning and she didnt wake up. Her blood pressure had dropped so low she almost died. This was such a traumatic experience for me. The window was open, the rain was bartering off the window the situation was just so so dark.
She did get better from that but she dramatically went downhill and eventually passed away in 2021 due to an infection in her lungs. During this time covid was rife too. So we couldnt even go in to see her. Which made things worse as i never got to actually speak with her properply before she passed away. :confused:

18 months later my dad starts to feel unwell, gets loads of tests done, consistant visits to the hospital. Turns out he had cancer of the liver which had actually spread to his stomach, lungs and his heart. He passed away in december. During both periods i was on pain killers for an issue with my neck which i stopped just over 2 months ago. I think the pain meds had been blocking out all of the main grieving symptoms emotionally. Now im off things. I feel it has hit me like a brick wall and i dont know what to do.
Im getting all these strange symptoms.
Cant focus. Getting dark thought’s, coping mechanisms have activated and ive began counting things for no reason which is only causing more anxity and ive been sucicidal. I just dont know what to do

Hi @Steve91,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your parents. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

It sounds like you’re looking for support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. We know that a lot of people experience suicidal thoughts when they are grieving. We have a video about it here which you might find helpful:


There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

  • If these thoughts of suicide become overwhelming, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

  • Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

  • Shout are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text REMEDY to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

  • You can also find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: sueryder.org/counselling.

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

You deserve care and support so please, [Name], get in touch with one of these services.

Take care, please keep reaching out,

I’m so sorry for your losses.
I have lost both my parents my dad in January 2021 and my mum at the end of August. It feels very isolating I don’t know anyone my age that has lost both parents thankfully. I’ve had time off work and probably go back soon but no idea how to manage work with grief and stay together.