Lost both my parents due to a car crash

My parents had car crash on the 11th Febuary this year. Mum was very badly hurt and died one day later, dad lasted another nine weeks but died from complications due to the accident.
I have a fantastic close family and we are all devestated, but why do I feel so alone with my grief? I just seem to be getting worse, and there are times I just wish I was with them.
I would never do anything to hurt my family, but I feel so deperate to see mum and dad again. I had a very strong bond with my dad, and cant look at pictures without breaking down. He really was the only man that never let m down, and I just cant get on with my life without him.

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Hi Candy,

I’m the community manager here and I just wanted to say hello and welcome to the site - but I am very sorry to hear about the sad circumstances that bring you here. It must have been a huge shock to have both your parents die so suddenly.

Your loss is still very raw and recent, so try to be kind to yourself and take things day by day. I hope that it helps to be able to share what you are feeling here on the Online Community. There are other members here who understand what it is like to lose a parent. For example, you might be interested to read these conversations:

https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/struggling-cope-too-painfully
https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/its-been-6-months

(As we are a hospice charity, you’ll find that a lot of members here have lost someone to illness, rather than in similar circumstances to you, but you are all grieving and can hopefully still support each other).

Have you had access to any bereavement support? Cruse Bereavement are a good organisation who offer one-to-one support and also local support groups. Their bereavement experts are on 0844 477 9400 or helpline@cruse.org.uk

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Hi Priscilla, thank you for replying. In desperation to just talk to someone who might understand I sent you a message as well.
Dad did die in a hospice, nine weeks after the accident. It was very peaceful and the staff were lovely, but it’s just so hard to except they are gone.
Every time I hear my office door go, I expect him to be standing there smiling waiting for the offer of a cup of tea, my heart brakes nearly every day with the disappointment it’s not him. I just can’t stop crying, it’s so much harder than I ever thought it would be.
I did go to a meeting with a bereavement councillor, but she said she didn’t think I needed a one to one person and I should just go and join a group?

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Hi Candy,

Ah, I see, I’m sorry that I didn’t fully acknowledge the length of time between the accident and your dad’s death. It’s good that he was well cared-for in the hospice but it doesn’t lessen your sense of loss.

Do you agree with the councillor or do you feel that you would benefit from the one-to-one support?

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Hi sorry to hear of the loss of both your parents. As Pricilla has said you need to be kind to yourself as you have had a double loss in tragic circumstances. I don’t know but I would think that you didn’t have a chance to start grieving for your mother until after your father had passed. Crying is your release so there is nothing wrong with this. Have you got support from friends and family? Have you spoken to your GP for counselling? Take care

Hello there

I just wanted to say first I am sorry for your loss and secondly how much of what you said spoke to me. My father Died 18 months ago in a horse riding accident and like you we were very close and he has left a huge gap in my life. I completely understand about just expecting to see him all the time - I get that too. Occasionally I dream about meeting him and how happy I am and how I hug him and say I thought he was dead etc. Then of course I wake up. Now 18 months on I still feel the urge to pick up the phone to him as if I could. But It does get better very gradually - just not any time soon I guess. I don’t know if it will help you at all but it helped me to pick two things I liked in my life (in my case it was sunshine and horses) and I kept saying over and over to myself there will still be sunshine there will still be horses. And there are those things and sometimes now they make me happy again. Do be kind to yourself and dont worry if it seems to get worse before it gets better - it did for me too but there will be days in the future when there is happiness - hold on to that.

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Hi, thank you. Im sorry to hear of your loss as well, its just the worse isnt it? The thing I get upset about the most is how everyone thinks you should just get over it? I understand how they can get over it quick but when its your parents thats not going to happen is it?
I dont want people fawning over me and asking if im ok all the time, but just be a little understanding as to why I am not myself some days, and why I might make a few mistakes.
Losing a person you love and has always been there for you is devastating in so many ways. I have never been without a mum and dad for 56 years, I also realise how lucky I am to have had them both for so long. It doesnt make it any easier though.
Sunshine and horses…sounds perfect xb x

I do think its very hard for folks to understand esp if they did not have such a close relationship with their own parents. My boss was very unforgiving really and became very critical of me for as you say making mistakes etc which I did a fair amount of and I also struggled with my memory as so much of my head space was/is taken up with thinking about what happened. My team however were very understanding and even accepted the occasional teary moment at work. There are days I’ll be sitting alone in my car in the car park crying my eyes out thinking ‘I cant do this’ and 10 mins later I’ll be walking into work and being friendly and warm with everyone. The thing I forget is that no one but me knew about the crying they just see that I seem to be kind of OK. My Husband cant understand it at all - his own father died soon after mine but firstly they were not close and secondly his father was a very old man who passed with his family after a short illness - though there is no good way to go it was very different for me (and you). He thinks that if he can get over it why can’t I?

But yes people need to realise that you will never ‘get over’ it you will only ‘get used’ to it. I guess we may never be the people we were before but I tell my self the me I am now can be an OK person too. I have tried to accept myself the way I am now - less on the ball, less strong, less certain of things and to hold onto the fact that that person will still have good days and bad days and joys and sorrows etc Try to find those moments when you can enjoy whatever your ‘sunshine and horses’ are… :slight_smile: tell yourself in time it will feel less raw but give yourself time to get to that point.

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It’s nearly six months since dad went now, and I honestly feel worse. My marriage is falling to pieces and my memory is just awful. I just don’t know what to do to make it all normal again. Why are men so pig headed sometimes? Can’t they understand women don’t react the same as men, and be just a bit more understanding?
My husband has even started looking up to the ceiling every time I mention my mum and dad. I find myself crying for hours, I cant stand it that they are gone

HI Candy, I too just lost both of my parents in a car accident. 7 weeks ago. They both went together. Please tell me that this has gotten easier because I still feel so lost.

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Hi Blythe Spirit,

Don’t know if you still come on here but wanted to say thank you for your two happy things tip. This morning there was a lovely sunrise with red sky and I looked at it and thought of your comment. I may not feel happy every day now but this has helped today.

Mel

Hi Jen,

I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost both your parents in a car accident - this double loss must have been a huge shock and it’s not surprising that you feel lost.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and taken the step of posting here. I hope it helps a tiny bit to be able to share your feelings and read about other people’s experiences. The advice we often shared here is to be kind to yourself and take things day by day. Give yourself a chance to grieve and try not to bottle up your emotions.

Do you have any brothers and sisters? Or other family members or supportive friends that you can talk to?

Yes my husband and mother in law have been my rocks. It is just so difficult getting up every day and looking after the kids work etc… I am so exhausted all the time and the headache no Tylenol can help. It is just all so much.

That sounds really tough. Physical effects, such as exhaustion and headaches, are quite common. If your husband is supportive, the more he can do to look after the kids, etc, the better.

This is quite an old conversation, by the way, so I’m not sure if the previous posters are still around on this site much. While you wait for a response here, you may also want to start a new conversation of your own to get more replies. You can do this by clicking the pink ‘new conversation’ button on our homepage: https://support.sueryder.org/community

Mel I am so happy that my words helped - grief is a long and difficult journey. Its coming to to 2 years for me and I still have very low days. But I also have days when I feel hope creeping back again. I have started to take me camera out and try and record some of those precious moments
wishing you all the best
liz

It seems to me a common trait, the insensitivity and lack of understanding from people, especially the work environment.
I felt so hurt at the lack of compassion by my employer, eventually I left because I felt my work was compounding my grief and not helping me move forward.
It really does take someone who has already experienced grief to know exactly how you may be feeling.
Close family helped me as they were experiencing the same pain and loss.

Dear Candy

My heart aches for the pain you are going through, when I lost my Daddy like you I was completely lost.

Like you my daddy and are had the same beliefs, same likes and dislikes and like you I trusted him

I am not going to tell you the usual time is a great healer or anything like that. I would visit the cemetery every week, talked to him, cried, shouted but always left him telling him how much he was loved.

Nine years on, I still visit but not so regularly but I do still cry and I still talk to him

For you the pain is so raw and will be for a while yet, but hang on and when you and only you decide look at photos of your parents and cry, shout whatever you want to

My thoughts are with you

Scoobie

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Hi candy
Firstly I am so sorry for your loss a double loss is extremely hard this I know…
I lost my dad to a stroke after he had by pass surgery which was a total shock as he was begging to recover in 2014 then 6 months later my mother got diagnosed with terminal cancer that had spread to her liver and lungs she died 6 months later in 2015 so in the space of one year I too lost both parents.
I completely understand how you feel loosing one parent is hard enough let alone both at once. A double loss is very tragic. You may not have had enough time to grieve your mum and then the shock of your loosing your dad too- your parents as you know are a huge part of anyone’s life’s it’s natural to feel all sorts of feelings when my dad died I felt so lost but I had to be strong for my mum dealing with her cancer diagnosis and caring for her.
This year I am in October nearly 3 years in from my dad passing and this December will be two years from my mum. I am still on my grieving journey but I’m doing ok.

I have a great husband and family around me but even now anniversaries and birthdays special dates you will always feel sad and will bring up various emotions.

From first hand experience my advice is your experience is still very new and raw you will be going through various waves of emotions
Always cry if you need to doesn’t matter where you are it is a release. Also always talk about it ! is there someone you can talk to within your family? If there is then talk but I felt sometimes I wanted to speak to someone impartial so I went to therapy and had bereavement coucelling and cbt for around 10 months once a week it helped a lot with my grief and helped with the anxiety triggered through bereavement. There are lots of therapists and councillors available some are private some could be recommended by your doctor I’m sure this trust maybe able to recommend one. When you are ready if you feel it would help then try it I recommend it. But everyone is different do what is best for you.

If your really struggling don’t ever feel alone there are many people to help you I’m glad you have been able to talk on here it’s a good step forward. Here seems a great place to start. Once again I am sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry to hear you lost both your parents. If you ever want to pm I’m here.

Hi, Candy.
Someone close to me just lost her parents in a car accident just 2 weeks ago. I’m not sure how to help, but finding someone who understands what she is feeling might. If at all possible, and if she wants to, can I connect the two of you, just to talk, if that will help her and you?

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