Even as a child I had always dreaded the loss of my parents. Disappointingly although I would have liked a family of my own I never met anyone to marry. So continued to live with my parents. They were pleased to have me living with them. I took take care of jobs around the house that would have been too much for them.
In 2008 following a short late dignosis of Prostate Cancer we lost my Dad at 88.
I had taken care of my mother for almost 16 years following, she also had some health conditions, I took her to her hospital and doctors appointements. Despite being hospitalised previously for a bad nosebleed a couple of years ago, she came home and I nursed her to health, and would cook the meals from that time onwards. Covid made life difficult, we both isolated. I did not have much of a social life due to that. A few days before 22 December 2024, my Mum complained of her teeth making her throat irrated, then it developed to a shortness of breath. She ended up in hospital with a bacterial infection, Staph Aureas. Despite being put on targetted antiobiotics a few days after being admitted, she died due to her Emphysema and Heart Failure this January at 90 years of age. Only a few days before hospitalisation she was able to make a cup of tea and load the dishwasher, she was still able bodied despite her health conditions.
I took my Mum to our place of worship on the Sunday prior. Also a Talking watch arrived. I knew how eager Mum was for that watch, as her other one had broken. I gave it to her without wiping it over with Alcohol first.
I had managed to keep my Mum safe throughout Covid. I don’t know what I did wrong, how did she get that bacteria in her lungs. I am blaming myself for her contracting that bacteria.
For almost 49 years I have been with my parents, with only several days spent away now and then.
It has been 7 weeks since I lost my Mum. I am alone in the house. I feel miserable and am in tears everyday. My Mum and I were very close, I used to take her out everyday, with a longer trip every week. The other thing that makes it difficult for me to come to terms with this, is the infection cleared after a few days, so why did she not get better?
I have several types of OCD so am finding that is making things particularly difficult. I cannot travel alone. I don’t foresee a happy future without my Mum. The silence is deafening, I just keep thinking my Mum has gone, and it’s most likely my fault.
I have suffered with suicidal ideation for the last 25 years, but it has since gotten worse. The Doctor cannot see me for quite some time. I feel despair at times not knowing a way out. I promised my Mum I would not do anything stupid, but the pain of her loss is unbearable!
