In July I lost my mum and dad within 3 weeks of one another. Dad had leukaemia and died within 4 weeks of diagnosis, Mum couldn’t live without Dad and essentially died of a broken heart after 66 years of marriage. I’m also appointee for my elder brother who has a brain injury.
I’ve been doing better than I imagined but now am not sleeping, I’m exhausted, and I have their house and estate to sort out which is taking its toll. I don’t feel I can grieve properly until it’s all sorted. I’m also struggling with some comments which may be well meaning but a bit thoughtless, such as ‘aww that’s so sweet, they couldn’t be without each other’ they were both broadly fit and well up to Dad being diagnosed. I’m also worried that I should be back at work but I don’t feel able until I’ve sorted their house and had time to grieve which I really haven’t yet. It’s almost as if they’re on holiday and they’ll be back soon and it’s all a terrible dream
That’s terribly sad, Chrissy. I’m so sorry. You’ve basically had your world turned upside down within the space of 7 weeks.
Dealing with the estate is a terrible business, but if you don’t have deadlines (eg 6 months to start paying inheritance tax, or 12 months to report the estate to HMRC), can you take your time / put it on hold, a bit?
Do you have friends and family who you can rope in, for support?
You will still be in shock. It’s over 9 months since I lost my dad suddenly and unexpectedly (he was fit, and had never slowed down) and I’m still processing it.
You’ll go through so many emotions. Signing up to this forum helped me. I hope it helps you, too.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply and I’m so sorry for the loss of your Dad.
I do have family to help, but I’ve been the main sorter after previously having power of attorney.
If I’m honest I’m struggling with the sorting of the house, it feels so heartless although I’m trying to be a bit more ruthless than I am naturally. People saying they want this thing or that thing, as someone said yesterday, ‘it’s just stuff’ and I sort of get it, but it’s my mum and dads stuff which is being trawled through which I know is a necessity but hard you know. I don’t feel I can relax until it’s done but also wish I could close it off until I feel able, sadly that’s not an option. I’m going on a previously planned holiday at the beginning of September which I know is much needed, I just hoped to have got to some point that I could go away and relax my brain but I’m not sure I can.
Im so sorry to hear of your losses - I really feel for you, and yes, if poss try to take as much time off work as you can, also to help with your brother. The admin around closing the estate & sorting the will doesnt help and makes things even harder to cope with. I hope you get support and at such a difficult time. People have no idea & unfortunately when you are struggling to keep things together its hard to keep on smiling, stay positive and carry on…
Ive been through it myself… You will get there- its a day to day, week by week process, which hopefully you will look back on soon, and hold special memories…
Thinking of you x
Thank you so much. It makes it easier knowing someone understands.
Thinking of you too x
So sorry @Chrissy2k2 ; I lost both parents within 3 weeks back in 2001, so understand. Do you have to rush to clear the house? As I lived miles away from mine, I waited until probate had been granted, then did the clearing very slowly over a whole year. You need time to grieve first.
Bless you, i’m so sorry for your loss, it helps to know that you understand though, thank you for messaging 
I am the youngest of 4 siblings, one being my brother in nursing care, so there is a time frame sadly, I wish I could take my time but even then I might want to hang on to things and it would still be hard.
I feel like I may be able to grieve once the house is sorted, I hope so as haven’t really yet and I’m scared I’ll fall in a heap at some point
Thirty years ago dad died quickly the next year mother in-law died then following year my mum died. So one after the other clearing up getting rid of things quickly as rented accommodation dictates so no choice. Huge adjustment quickly to no one left of our parents as my husband never had a father as his mother was single. It upset my son so a nightmare. My husband died 21 months ago. I lost myself once son at birth. It is part of life and so many losses as you got older. Life punches. So many losses.
Grieving is actually an ongoing process, and even whilst going through the very painful sorting of parents beloved possessions, you will be going through one of the worst stages of grieving. This is when a bit of a meltdown is so understandable, and you will continue grieving on different levels, so dont worry about ’ finding time’ - its all around you, and time will take you through this. Pace yourself and look after yourself in every way x
Hi and so sorry for your double loss.
My advice would be not to over pressure yourself and do things at your own pace (if you can and have no deadlines).
When mum died in October 22 it took me over 3 months before I started the probate process as I couldn’t face it sooner. Luckily it was straightforward as I’m an only child and it came through after 6 weeks.
As I live abroad, I didn’t get back to the Uk to start the mammoth task of sorting out and clearing mum’s house and putting it on the market until 10 months later.
I eventually sold the house in April, 18 months after mum’s passing.
Try to do things when you can face them and always one step at a time. Breaking down the tasks makes them easier and don’t think about the bigger picture for now. Baby steps is the way to go as you are hurting from your losses.
You will get through it. Definitely go on the holiday, try to relax and enjoy it as I’m sure your parents would want that. When you come back you can start making lists of the things to be done.
Take care of yourself.
Kate xx
I’m so sorry to hear of your losses. It’s those blows over and over that grind you down isn’t it. Sending you much love
Thank you Kate, and I’m so sorry for your loss. That is great advice, I will try to not put the added pressure on myself. My husband said ‘you need to try and stop thinking’ which of course is easier said than done! But I do know I need to give my brain a rest so a holiday will hopefully help me to do that.