I guess I just wanted somewhere to tell my story and to not feel so alone because on this site people know what you are going through because they are all going or have gone through a similar experience.
Firstly my dad died it will be seven years ago in October. He had bowel cancer. He was a strong vital man who was honest, hardworking and strong. He was a shepherd and builder by trade. His collegues and family all looked up to him. Around the time he died I was getting severly bullied and sexually harassed at work by a couple male managers. This continued after he died to the stage I walked out and put a complaint in. Anyway after this my own physical illness flared up and I was very ill. Aside from that I had to stay strong and be there for my mum. We also had to attend at least dozen funerals in the next year for family and friends.
The upshot of all that was that I didn’t really grieve at the time, but a couple of years later it hit me really hard. Know that grief doesnt necessarily come out when you lose someone.
Anyway a couple of years ago my aunt (dads sister) who was like my surrogate gran died. She was 89 and it was old age. This was the last time though that I remember being out with my mum and she was relatively well. It started around that time that she had a sore back and she deteriated quickly. She was misdiagnosed numerous times with cracked ribs and broken bones. She kept fobbing me off and asking me to run errands (cousins funeral and stuff in town) and do favours plus my own illness had me floored for a couple of weeks. It meant I hadn’t seen her in around 6 weeks. I was shocked when I went to her house. ( I didn’t go out often my brother lives there and he makes my life difficult) She looked like she was dying in her bed lying in her own waste and starving. My brother bascially held a gun (replica) to my head and threatened me. I did nothing. I was so shocked at the change in her. I left as per mums wishes (I wanted to help her) and took my car which my mum had been borrowing because my brother took hers for his job. which she subsidised. He sponged off her a lot). Anyway she phoned and begged me to come back and asked me to get her some things which I dually did. I then had the door locked against me by my brother. I left the stuff on the doorstep and phoned to let her know. I tried again to get in house and got in next day. After this I washed her cut her clothes off and put new ones on her and cleaned and tieded around her and convinced her she needed to go into hospital which I managed to get her to do the next day.
Once in hospital the doctors still thought to start with it was her back and a broken bone based on an earlier x-ray. I stayed in all day and helped her to eat feeding her like you would a baby. I took all my holidays off work. A really good doctor diagnosed her with cancer and sent her straight to the beatson in glasgow. I duly went up with her and I stayed with relatives who very kindly took me in and looked after me while I cared for my mum everyday. Then she went back to the hospital to be cared for there. I was there from 7 in the morning till 8 at night then I would look after my nephew till midnight while my brother was at his delivery job. I also went back and forth to their house to walk their dog while my mum slept in the afternoon. This went on for a few weeks. But my mums health improved somewhat in the begining. Certainly with the right treatment and medication she was no longer in as much pain. She also put on weight. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and was given hormone treatment. My mum went home and I returned to my work part time. I continued to go to my mums and wash and dress her as well as do her washing and household chores. There was much more involved including getting her room ready and numerous hassles with said brother and nephew. But I kept going. Said brother caused more problems and arguements. And I got pushed aside after my mum got regular carers. I still kept going a few times a week when brother and nephew had gone out. (My mum wanted to keep the peace basically he didn’t want me there and my mum needed me to look after her but she didn’t want him upset). Her pads would be left in a bag which were only emptied by me. I bought my mum a whole new wardrobe as her normal clothes didnt fit. I bought lots of things she needed despite taking a major drop in pay. I took her out with her friends and to the local hospice for support and to her hospital appointments. My brother rarely got up before my nephew got back from school. During this time my mother was in and out of hospital.
Things got a lot worse as my brother abandoned them time and time again, at which point I would get a phone call to go and help once including a trip to a foreign country. I ended up lending him money to pay his way as he got ‘mugged’. My mum was extremely upset at this time. Again I pulled out all the stops to look after her and my nephew. Then my brother came back and I was out the door. Mum got really ill again with an infection after christmas (again while my brother disappeared) . At this point the nurse had her taken into hospital again and my brother and nephew found out her cancer had come back which they did not tell me instead they caused an arguement with me and my mum in which she didn’t speak to me for nearly a month and not knowing anything was different with her condidtion I decided to let her stay in the huff for a couple weeks (I regret this so much now), Anyway we made up before she went home and I again bought her lots of new clothes and toiltries for hospital (brother lost bag of clothes I washed worth over £70). After that the covid happened and brother and nephew began using this sitution by controlling her phone and not letting her speak to anyone friends family and me. Her condition worsened and she was again in and out of hospital. During this time I kept in touch with hospital daily. This is when I found out her cancer had returned. Once she got home close family were given permission to visit using mask, gloves and aprons etc. My cousins wifes had a fight to get me in the door to visit my mum and had to stand guard to be allowed to talk to her. They had become that controlling. There is obviously a lot more to the story and a lot more that they put me through during this time. I got to see my mother another three times before she died. It was very difficult they then started playing games over the funeral situation. My Aunt had gotten permission to travel and came to see her sister if she hadnt been there the day my mum died I would only have found out about it second or third hand. I phoned a funeral parlour that my mum had told me she wanted and phoned my aunt and nephew to tell them that they were coming later. At this point unbeknown to me my brother and nephew got another funeral parlour and then wouldnt tell me where she was. My nephew said “and what do you want to know for?” I had done so much for him and looked after him so much as he was growing up, my brother never bothered. I only found out where she was by phoning all the local funeral parlours. The next day I called my mums executor and informed him of her death and the situation he informed me that I was to deal with the funeral parlour and he would authorise it. Which he did. However the funeral parlour unprofessionally informed my brother and nephew of said situation and broke data protection with said executor. They then threatened him. Then the funeral parlour started arranging funeral with them after previously making arrangements with me and saying they would get back to me they then got back to me after my brother and nephew had no money to pay for funeral and I did then they went back and forth. It was an absolute nightmare they kept winding me up asking to let me be involved and then playing me about. In the end they got the funeral and I didn’t even get to go. It was so difficult. I loved my mum so much. I was also again grieving for my dad because if he had still been here and it had happened the other way round then it would have been a completely different situation.
i dont have many friends and have no family of my own and I feel so lonely. My mother and I worked at the same place and obviously all her friends there are grieving because she was a very kind and thoughtful person and everyone loved her. My mother was no longer my mother but my best friend and thus with her gone and my dad I dont reallyhave anyone left. With the COVID situation though it is very hard to find support for me. I have only told a small part of this story it was a lot worse. I amonly sorry I went on so much and this has ended up being a long post but I would appreciate anyone elses point of view and thoughts at this time (even if you have just had a quick skim). It would just be good to have someone to talk to about it. Thank you for taking the time to read.