Lost Both Parents to Cancer. Looking for support.

I guess I just wanted somewhere to tell my story and to not feel so alone because on this site people know what you are going through because they are all going or have gone through a similar experience.
Firstly my dad died it will be seven years ago in October. He had bowel cancer. He was a strong vital man who was honest, hardworking and strong. He was a shepherd and builder by trade. His collegues and family all looked up to him. Around the time he died I was getting severly bullied and sexually harassed at work by a couple male managers. This continued after he died to the stage I walked out and put a complaint in. Anyway after this my own physical illness flared up and I was very ill. Aside from that I had to stay strong and be there for my mum. We also had to attend at least dozen funerals in the next year for family and friends.
The upshot of all that was that I didn’t really grieve at the time, but a couple of years later it hit me really hard. Know that grief doesnt necessarily come out when you lose someone.

Anyway a couple of years ago my aunt (dads sister) who was like my surrogate gran died. She was 89 and it was old age. This was the last time though that I remember being out with my mum and she was relatively well. It started around that time that she had a sore back and she deteriated quickly. She was misdiagnosed numerous times with cracked ribs and broken bones. She kept fobbing me off and asking me to run errands (cousins funeral and stuff in town) and do favours plus my own illness had me floored for a couple of weeks. It meant I hadn’t seen her in around 6 weeks. I was shocked when I went to her house. ( I didn’t go out often my brother lives there and he makes my life difficult) She looked like she was dying in her bed lying in her own waste and starving. My brother bascially held a gun (replica) to my head and threatened me. I did nothing. I was so shocked at the change in her. I left as per mums wishes (I wanted to help her) and took my car which my mum had been borrowing because my brother took hers for his job. which she subsidised. He sponged off her a lot). Anyway she phoned and begged me to come back and asked me to get her some things which I dually did. I then had the door locked against me by my brother. I left the stuff on the doorstep and phoned to let her know. I tried again to get in house and got in next day. After this I washed her cut her clothes off and put new ones on her and cleaned and tieded around her and convinced her she needed to go into hospital which I managed to get her to do the next day.

Once in hospital the doctors still thought to start with it was her back and a broken bone based on an earlier x-ray. I stayed in all day and helped her to eat feeding her like you would a baby. I took all my holidays off work. A really good doctor diagnosed her with cancer and sent her straight to the beatson in glasgow. I duly went up with her and I stayed with relatives who very kindly took me in and looked after me while I cared for my mum everyday. Then she went back to the hospital to be cared for there. I was there from 7 in the morning till 8 at night then I would look after my nephew till midnight while my brother was at his delivery job. I also went back and forth to their house to walk their dog while my mum slept in the afternoon. This went on for a few weeks. But my mums health improved somewhat in the begining. Certainly with the right treatment and medication she was no longer in as much pain. She also put on weight. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and was given hormone treatment. My mum went home and I returned to my work part time. I continued to go to my mums and wash and dress her as well as do her washing and household chores. There was much more involved including getting her room ready and numerous hassles with said brother and nephew. But I kept going. Said brother caused more problems and arguements. And I got pushed aside after my mum got regular carers. I still kept going a few times a week when brother and nephew had gone out. (My mum wanted to keep the peace basically he didn’t want me there and my mum needed me to look after her but she didn’t want him upset). Her pads would be left in a bag which were only emptied by me. I bought my mum a whole new wardrobe as her normal clothes didnt fit. I bought lots of things she needed despite taking a major drop in pay. I took her out with her friends and to the local hospice for support and to her hospital appointments. My brother rarely got up before my nephew got back from school. During this time my mother was in and out of hospital.

Things got a lot worse as my brother abandoned them time and time again, at which point I would get a phone call to go and help once including a trip to a foreign country. I ended up lending him money to pay his way as he got ‘mugged’. My mum was extremely upset at this time. Again I pulled out all the stops to look after her and my nephew. Then my brother came back and I was out the door. Mum got really ill again with an infection after christmas (again while my brother disappeared) . At this point the nurse had her taken into hospital again and my brother and nephew found out her cancer had come back which they did not tell me instead they caused an arguement with me and my mum in which she didn’t speak to me for nearly a month and not knowing anything was different with her condidtion I decided to let her stay in the huff for a couple weeks (I regret this so much now), Anyway we made up before she went home and I again bought her lots of new clothes and toiltries for hospital (brother lost bag of clothes I washed worth over £70). After that the covid happened and brother and nephew began using this sitution by controlling her phone and not letting her speak to anyone friends family and me. Her condition worsened and she was again in and out of hospital. During this time I kept in touch with hospital daily. This is when I found out her cancer had returned. Once she got home close family were given permission to visit using mask, gloves and aprons etc. My cousins wifes had a fight to get me in the door to visit my mum and had to stand guard to be allowed to talk to her. They had become that controlling. There is obviously a lot more to the story and a lot more that they put me through during this time. I got to see my mother another three times before she died. It was very difficult they then started playing games over the funeral situation. My Aunt had gotten permission to travel and came to see her sister if she hadnt been there the day my mum died I would only have found out about it second or third hand. I phoned a funeral parlour that my mum had told me she wanted and phoned my aunt and nephew to tell them that they were coming later. At this point unbeknown to me my brother and nephew got another funeral parlour and then wouldnt tell me where she was. My nephew said “and what do you want to know for?” I had done so much for him and looked after him so much as he was growing up, my brother never bothered. I only found out where she was by phoning all the local funeral parlours. The next day I called my mums executor and informed him of her death and the situation he informed me that I was to deal with the funeral parlour and he would authorise it. Which he did. However the funeral parlour unprofessionally informed my brother and nephew of said situation and broke data protection with said executor. They then threatened him. Then the funeral parlour started arranging funeral with them after previously making arrangements with me and saying they would get back to me they then got back to me after my brother and nephew had no money to pay for funeral and I did then they went back and forth. It was an absolute nightmare they kept winding me up asking to let me be involved and then playing me about. In the end they got the funeral and I didn’t even get to go. It was so difficult. I loved my mum so much. I was also again grieving for my dad because if he had still been here and it had happened the other way round then it would have been a completely different situation.

i dont have many friends and have no family of my own and I feel so lonely. My mother and I worked at the same place and obviously all her friends there are grieving because she was a very kind and thoughtful person and everyone loved her. My mother was no longer my mother but my best friend and thus with her gone and my dad I dont reallyhave anyone left. With the COVID situation though it is very hard to find support for me. I have only told a small part of this story it was a lot worse. I amonly sorry I went on so much and this has ended up being a long post but I would appreciate anyone elses point of view and thoughts at this time (even if you have just had a quick skim). It would just be good to have someone to talk to about it. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Dear Meebee, what a horrible time you have had, my heart goes out to you, nobody should have to go through what you have gone through, your Mum knew you loved her and you certainly did as much as you could possibly do for her, you need support, it might help having some counselling either with Sue Ryder or Cruse, there is a waiting list for Sue Ryder but it’s not too long and at the moment it’s not in person because of COVID, there are some wonderful people on this forum and hopefully you will get some help from it, just remember you did everything you possibly could to help your Mum, sending you love, Xx

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Thank you for your kind thots. I appreciate them. I am taking a step at a time just now. It is the lonliness that is the hardest.

Hi Meebee,

How are you? Are you slightly better now? I hope so.

It is very sad what has happened in your life over the past few years. Losing your mum is bad enough, but to lose her the way you did, with your brother causing all those problems, is just devastating. I am so sorry you were not even able to attend her funeral. I totally understand how you wished your dad was around, because he would not have let this happen. It’s strange, isn’t it, that no matter how old we become, we still wish our parents were there to help us. My dad used to tell me that no matter how old a person becomes, they will always be their parents’ child, and that is true. There are so many times I wish my dad was still here because I know he would help sort out this problem or that.

I am sorry you did not get many replies to your post, sometimes people think others are better suited to reply, and then eventually the post just goes down the list and people don’t see it. Hopefully, someone else will read this and will be able to offer you the help you deserve. Thank you.

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Dear Abdullah,

What lovely kind words. I really appreciate them just now as I have been crying on and off all weekend (I even had to phone in my work as I was too upset to go in on Sunday.) due to the fact that my brother and nephew caused more problems by stealing something of my dads which i had kept up at my uncles. It was only sentimental value as it was his fishing gear including flies he tied himself. Me and my Uncle had planned to go fishing when this was COVID was over not to catch fish I haven’t my dads patience for fly fishing or his skill. But just in rememberance. Anyway they brought this friend of theirs who had a police vest and handcuffs although he is definitely not police and he also had some sort of weapon and he didn’t allow my uncle to leave his sitting room while my nephew searched my uncles spare room. And then they took one of the very few possessions I had of my dads. There was also a picture but he left that. My dads ashes are also there and they wanted them. My uncle choose to go to the police so I have had nothing but hassle on my phone from them especially my nephew today. I have decided to go to a solicitor to try to get them off my back and the rest of the family but it will cost me lots of money which I don’t really have since my mum left almost everything to them except the sentimental stuff which they wont give me. I guess I am just writing here to vent. They have tried to get my cousin charged because he told them off for their behaviour towards my uncle. They made a false facebook page in my uncles name and pretended to be him. It is a complete nightmare. They have an excuse and a lie for everything. I just wish I had the chance to properly grieve and remember my family. My Mum and Dad were such good kind hardworking people and I know that I try to take after them but I don’t understand how genetically I can be related to such people. URGh! Anyway it was good to vent even if it doesn’t solve anything.

I liked you saying about your dad fixing problems out and you wish he was here I totally understand that. Everybody went to my dad for advice. Your words about my post are so very thoughtful and kind. I think a lot of people probably clicked on it and found it was too long too read I think I partly wrote it for me too and because I felt lost at the time. But I so appreciate you taking the time it was very kind and I don’t if people skim and sometimes people read but answer you when you reply on their post and then you found out they went and read your post so thats thoughtful too. Take care of yourself thinking of you.

Gosh, what a terrible situation to be in. How do you feel that your mum left most of the things to them? Are you angry they manipulated her into this? It’s horrible that they said bad things about you to your mum, I hope your mum knew what was going on and just went along to save the hassle, and did not actually believe the things they said about you. Why are they doing this? Is there a reason? It doesn’t seem normal, are you able to reason with them or is there no hope? That’s good your uncle went to the police, but as you say, it’s just going to cause more grief from them. I really wish there was something we could do to help other than listen to you here, hopefully the police will take this seriously and they will eventually back off.

Thank you for your reply again I was just having a really bad few days. My mum left them nearly everything ie her house because they lived there and have no means of income of there own while I work hard and have bought my own flat and she ended up leaving them the money from an insurance policy because they got her into debt. I dont want to and cant afford to contest this will but I only want to pay for a letter from a lawyer to threaten them and get them to back off. The police didn’t get them to back off (domestic issue) and they did other things including threatening me. They only gave my uncle a half baked apology when one of my cousins pals phoned them and pretended to be a gangster and threatened them and they got scared. So then they threatened me saying I had got gangsters on to them like I know gangsters. Not. Still I think it has got them to back off my cousin and uncle. Which is good because my uncle is quite elderly. So now they are going to come for me at some point when they get there courage back. Wish I wasn’t related to them. Don’t know where they came from as they are so not like my mum or dad.

Anyway thank you for replying it is so appreciated. I hope you are doing a lot better with your situation. This site is so wonderful everyone is so supportive and you don’t feel so alone in your situation, whatever that situation is.
I also find walking by the sea just now makes me feel so much better. I am lucky there is a lovely wide promenade beside a large golf course a miles walk from my house. You just have to watch out for golf balls which is why I haven’t walked there in years I totally forgot how nice it was. Hope you find a wee sanctuary for yourself whatever that may be. Take care of yourself.

Dear Meebee, that all sounds quite scary. I hope they won’t do anything stupid and try and harm you or your uncle? Not sure what their problem is, they got most of the things from your mum, surely they should just leave you and your uncle alone now.

That’s good you have a place where you like to go and walk. Might as well make the most of it whilst it is summer, presumably it gets wet from autumn onwards, I have been to Scotland once, Glasgow in May 2012, and it just rained most of the time, but I have heard the summers can be really nice in Scotland.

Yeah I havent been on here last wee while as they had been getting me really upset.
Lol rain is summer in scotland lol. There are many many words for different types of rain up here. Drizzle is most accruate right now. Scotland would be like be one of the most beautiful countries in the world I mean the beaches up north are absolutely gorgeous but I think it is the awful weather that preserves them and also the sheer distance from any normal facilities. People are such litter louts. Weridly the weather here was so nice during lockdown. Glasgow and Edinburgh are so funny they have such different characters. The last time I was in Glasgow was last year when mum was at the Beatson. (Glasgows cancer hospital) So I was only in Anniesland area… But I really like one of the museums up there and actually what I really like about Glasgow is Still Game its a tv show that is really very daft but very funny. If you haven’t seen it then you should watch it. Basically it is a lot of middle aged scottish guys dressed up as old people and getting up to ridiculous antics. Basically it is them going to the pub, the shop and their flats, but somehow it is better than it sounds. Some of the people are actually old. Still it makes you feel better if you are sad even just for a little while. Hope you are doing okay just now thinking of you. Take care.

Hi @Meebee, just wanted to say that I hope you’re doing ok, and that the family aren’t hassling you as much. Speak soon.

Hi Abdullah,
Glad to hear from you haven’t been on much lately. Thank you for your kind thoughts. I have been wondering how you have been doing too. I hope you are doing ok relatively speaking of course. Haven’t heard from them since the last thing. But now because my mums family is speaking to them on my mums facebook account and because I recently found out they told lies at mums funeral (I expected that) none of my mums family (who all live down south) aren’t speaking to me. My aunt phoned my uncle saying how wonderful the other two where and that I didn’t look after my mum despite the fact she witnessed me being at the hospital for 13 hours a day for weeks feeding my mum and going back and forth to my mums house to walk her dog. My mums sisters both got numerous daily updates from me regarding my mums condition and I helped them both to speak to my mum near the end giving up the perilous time when I finally got into see her. She knew everything and now most of my cousins and aunts are believing their version. My Uncle completely told her off and stood up for me and told her the truth. But still none of them are talking to me. I had a bit of a breakdown at that point and wasn’t on here much. I have been feeling quite lonely and hurt by all of this. But I am just getting on with the day today living some days are hard and some days are just days. How are you feeling? Are things any better for you. Are you managing to see most of your family and get out and about now the COVID situation is a bit more relaxed? I hope you have good people around you to give you some support. Take care.