Hi. My youngest son age Nick d 41 died a few weeks ago. He suffered from sleep apnoea (stopped breathing in his sleep) and stupidly took some kind of opiate. He was in such a deep sleep when the apnoea came on that his body didnt try to help him breathe. While in Resus they discovered that he had no brain activity and were going to turn all the machines off. I am angry as they didn’t wait for me to do the one hour drive to get there before they turned it off so didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. My other son Simon died of a massive drug overdose when he was 24 19 years ago and I did everything I could to advise my younger son that drugs were something to be avoided. I cant believe this has happened to both my children.
I am struggling with the fact that it has brought my eldest sons death back, I saw him in the chapel, and I am desparately sad that I didn’t see Nick
at hospital before they turned machines off. I couldn’t even then see him in the chapel because of Covid. I know their deaths are not the same as children with terminal illness which must be awful for parents but I cannot come to terms with his death. I keep trying to visualise him in the resus with no brain activity and it is breaking my heart. It is now 5 weeks ago and I fear that this struggle to believe he is dead will go on forever. It seems to be getting worse. His girlfriend found him and tried to resusitate him and I am spending a vast amount of time on the phone trying to help her as she has been suicidal - is that what causing me not to grieve myself properly. Any advice would be welcome
Jackie, your story is heartbreaking and you must be going through hell with all that’s happened so far in your life. Please can I advise you to tell his girlfriend to get help with her grief, either here from Sue Ryder or from Cruse, I know there is a waiting time but it’s the light at the end of the tunnel and if you feel it’s appropriate for you then just ask because it will help. You need time for yourself to comes to terms with what has happened without having to help someone else. Death of a child, what ever age is traumatic and there is never two deaths the same, they may be alike but that’s all, so please don’t think both yours sons death has to be second to a younger child. Getting to see your son before they turned the machine off would not really have made much difference because he wasn’t the son you know, he won’t have now anything by then and to be honest the person you love wasn’t there anymore. It’s your loving memories of him that matter now and I am sure you have many beautiful memories of both your sons, hold on to them.
Please think about yourself, I know there there will plenty of support on here plus reading others post who have lost sons is worth doing. We are always here for you. Take care of yourself, please. Bless you. S
Thank you so much for your kind words. I think being able to voice myself on this forum will be of great help. I will have to try and steer his girlfriend to counselling as I do feel that this would help immensely. I understand what you say about not seeing him when they turned the machines off and I know you are right but all i think of is that the hospital could have waited. His girlfriend was with him at this point and she tells me the same that his eyes looked different and although he was breathing on life support she could tell that he wasn’t there. Perhaps it is just that I could not get there in time. When the ambulance took him they said no one could be with him because of Covid. I live an hour away and when the doctor said they were switching everything off I started the journey quickly but they decided to turn it off anyway. I feel guilty that I just didn’t go when he first got taken to resus and I could have been there with him. I am beginning to accept that I will not see him again but I just cannot get over this hurdle about not seeing him.
Hi Jackie, I am pleased I have offered some help and time will help, it’s very early on this horrible road of grief. Don’t feel guilty of anything, as mums we have so much to deal with but I am sure you have nothing to feel guilty about. Please use the site as much as you can to get support over the coming weeks, we are always here for you. Take care and I will be thinking of you. S
Hi Jackie
I just wanted to add something that susie said regarding seeing your son before they switched the life support off.
Last june (the anniversary was yesterday) my happy, funny and active 74 year old mum had a sudden brain haemorrhage. She happened to already be kn hospital having a minor day operation and this happened whilst she was chatting away in the recovery room. We were told that mum would due within a few hours but in the end we had to wait 24 hours for 2 doctors to test my mum to ensure she was brain dead.
In this 24 hours I sat in the relatives room. I just couldnt face seeing my lively and fun loving mum laying in a coma. I often have huge regrets about this now. However my sister who sat with my mum constantly told me that my mum was not there with her. She had gone from her body and had no idea of what was going on. She failed to react to the horrific tests to check brain activity and my sister said that the person laying in that bed did not look like our mum.
She is good at putting the images out of her mind but I am not. I would have been haunted by seeing her like that. I lived with our mum and chose to remember her how she had been dancing around in the kitchen the morning I drive her to hospital for her op.
Maybe this might help you.
Cheryl x
Hi
I’m so sorry for your loss, I lost my 23 year old son on 13 th June and his sister 10 years before the pain is unbearable I have oNe remaining daughter And trying to keep strong for her. My son was found at his friends house and when I got there the police wouldn’t let me see him as it was a sudden death I’m so angry about that I just wanted to hold him so I understand your feelings I didn’t get to see him for 2 weeks after at the chapel of rest I was distraught and that image keeps coming back to me my beautiful boy, it’s a very cruel world to loose a child and to loose two feels just desperate I feel like I’m living in hell , trying to do normal things walking getting out then it just comes back , it’s so awful we are having to communicate in this awful situation but it’s of some comfort to know that others are enduring this pain as well take care
Hi. I originall posted as I had just lost my son at 41, His brother died in 2001 aged 24.
It took me a long time to come to terms with my 24 year old death from a drug overdose. Since then I have ldone so much to make sure my youIn nger son learnt from his brothers death. In the past 2 years he has had pneumonia twice which has put him in an induced coma and was told how bad his lungs were. He also suffered from sleep apnea whichs resulting in him stopping breathing during the night. For the whole of Covid I have worred 24/7 that he might get it which would kill him , In May his girlfriend went to wake him up and saw he was not breathing but she couldnt wake him. An ambulance was called and they tried to resusitate him for over an hour. By the evening they said he had taken a drug that had put him into a deep sleep and that he had been starved of oxygen. They tested his brain but said there was no activity. I was on my way as I lived on the other side of London but before they got there the turned the machines off. I was devastated but because of Covid I couldnt see him. Even in the chapel I wasnt allowed to see him. I am feeling guilty that I didnt prevent him from taking a drug and that I didnt get there to say goodbye. I am now haunted by imagining him dead in A & E with no brain activity and I couldnt see him at peace, I now have his ashes in the drawer in my bed because it makes me feel that he is safe. I guess I still have a long way to go to accept it all. When I can decide what to do with his ashes I will know that life is getting easier. I miss them terribly .
my heart goes out to you I know what drugs do my son hung him self in July the pain is so bad you will know I lost my daughter when she was 8, she got knocked down by a car I think we carry on for what family we have I don’t won’t to I have a son and daughter what would it do to them if I took my life I hope this may help
Love to you both it’s so bloody awful to loose a child unbearable to loose two I wonder how to find the strength everyday to carry on ( as you will know )but we have to stay for our remaining children and families for me like you it’s such early days I m confusing my thoughts at times feel like I’m living the thoughts of my first child list being brave carrying on saying all the right things , then it hits me like a whirlwind , I forget it’s all happened all over again , I find that so hard to comprehend I’m having awful flash backs panic attacks I just can’t see why life is so cruel for some of us love to you all xxxxxx