Lost, confused, guilty..

My fiancee and I split up about 9 days before she collapsed and passed away
There was no warning, it was a ruptured aorta
I wasn’t with her when it happened, her family didn’t even let me know, even though i’ve lived with her for 2 1/2 years in the norfolk village where her family lives, I’m originally from Lancashire but I moved down there to be with her and her 11 year old daughter
The 3 of us were very happy, we made a great team, a family, it’s so stupid that we split up, it was all over a small row, she asked me to stay in touch especially with her daughter, we were still on very good terms, we never actually fell out, we were both still in tears every day since we decided to part ways and we phoned or messaged every day
I had a message from the partner if a facebook friend who i didn’t know particularly well, she asked if she could ring me, i said of course, never for minute thinking that she was going to tell me that my partner and fiancee of over 3 years had collapsed and died that morning…
I’m shocked, stunned, my heads in a fog, i’ve not just lost my soulmate, i’ve lost her daughter as well (who absolutely adored me and I felt the same)
I miss her voice, her laugh, her smile, she had this wonderful smile that lit up the room when she walked in, I miss talking to her, I keep thinking “Oh, I must tell sarah such and such a thing” and then it hits me…
I feel guilty because we’d split up, I feel like i’d let them both down by agreeing to seperate, The past 3 years of both our lives have been the happiest times of our lives, I should have fought to stay with her…
I wasn’t there when it happened, okay, yes I accept that an aortic aneurysm is very sudden and there isn’t anything that can be done in most cases once the aorta has actually burst…
Her family have basically treated me like a stranger, they didn’t let me know that she’d died, I asked her brother was there any news from the pathologist, he didn’t even reply (although, i’d already been told the cause if death from a close friend of sarah’s) I asked could i perhaps say few words at the funeral, her family have said no, I asked her brother if i could stay at the house that Sarah and I had shared for a couple of days before the funeral so I could see Sarah’s parents and her daughter, her family said no.
Her brother then told me that he wasn’t sure when the arrangements for the funeral would be finalised even though i’d already been told the exact time and place of the funeral by a friend who was told by a friend if her family
Yes, I understand, It’s not about me, I just feel like a part of me ‘needed’ to go and see her parents and grieve with them…
Yes, I am angry and I am bitter at her brother and her family for pushing me out BUT I’m determined to rise above those feelings, Her family are a close knit family and I know they’re devastated, as much as I did want to be involved in her funeral, I don’t have anything to gain by being bitter about it, Sarah wouldn’t have wanted me to be angry with her family, she loved her parents very much, although I’m pretty sure she would’ve been shocked if she’d have known that her family would shut me out like this…
She had just started a new job, a promotion, she had EVERYTHING to live for, her daughter and her were like 2 peas in a pod, she was kind, generous, loving, loyal, funny, she shined, she had that effect on everyone she met, I was so lucky that she chose me…
EVERYTHING I do has a memory of her, EVERYTHING, making a brew, washing up, hanging out the laundry, I just don’t know where to go from here…
Her funeral is in 2 weeks, i’m travelling down to norfolk on the day with 2 family members, I’d just like to pay my respects, maybe spend half an hour or so at the wake and then come home
I keep hoping that the funeral will give me some form of closure but I’m just so lost, confused, guilty and angry, so angry at fate, the world, life, God…
If you’ve actually read to this point, thankyou for your patience.


Dear @Northernmonkey

Welcome to the Community. I am so sorry for your loss.

I can feel your pain in your post. Give Sarah’s family time. Everyone reacts differently to the loss of a loved one. The family are more than likely still trying to accept the sudden loss of someone so young. Everyone reacts differently to grief at different times which sadly has no time limits. Grief is a mixture of rollercoaster emotions of Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

You have 3 wonderful years of memories and I would hold onto them in your heart and that is where Sarah will always be. I understand your pain, frustration and anger. It is all part of the grieving process. Please be gentle with yourself. You are not alone, we are all here to support you through this.

There is useful information on our newly launched Grief Self-Help Service here which would be worth looking at for support and help with your grief.

I do hope the funeral goes well. Please continue to reach out here any time.

Take care.



Thanks for your heartfelt reply pepsi, I’ve been inundated with messages of support from family and friends, I know people are there for me, it’s just that at the moment, the one person who could look at me and tell me that everything will be okay is the person who’s gone.
I totally understand what you’ve said about Sarah’s family, it’s hurtful BUT I have to accept it and get over it.
You’re absolutely right that I’ll always have the memories, when I met Sarah, she was still damaged from the abusive relationship with her daughters dad and my last relationship was very toxic, my partner was a narcissist so I had some trust issues but Sarah and I helped each other to love again, trust again and find a REAL happiness together.
I don’t think i’ve ever been in a position of absolute trust and honesty in a relationship before, without even trying, Sarah had a massive influence on me, she made me a better person in so many ways, even my own family noticed it, She was one of a kind, generous, honest, beautiful, loving, so so funny and she had the effect of lighting up the lives of everyone she met. x


I had shivers down my spine when I read your posts, I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved girlfriend, my heart goes out to you, and being so young too. My husband was suddenly torn away from me due to a cardiac arrest 18 months ago, I know how shocked you must be, and then you have all these problems with her family too. I do hope you continue sharing your thoughts and feelings here with us, I’ve been finding solace with this group, pouring my heart out with others who are going through the same grief, knowing everyone here understands and relates to every feeling you may have.
Take care, wishing you comfort.

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Thankyou Solost, I’m aware that anger is a natural part of grieving but I hate the fact that i’m angry about the way Sarah’s family have been, I haven’t been given ANY explanation as to why, I know that we’d parted ways but it wasn’t on bad terms at all, quite the opposite, it just seems like the fact that we’d been seperated for a week has bern used as an excuse to cancel out the 3 years we were together
I know it’s not about me and I know her family are grieving but I just wanted the opportunity to do one last thing for Sarah, say a few words at the funeral or be a pall-bearer, anything, I know she was very close to her family but I LIVED with her and Gemma (her daughter) for 2 1/2 years…I just can’t get my head around it and the reality is that I was upset enough that we’d decided to break up, then I had the phone call about Sarah, I’ve honestly got more than enough upset without being pushed out like this, at the end of the day, I knew Sarah better than anyone, We told each other everything, we were the missing pieces of each others puzzles.
I’m grateful in a way for this group as it gives me the chance to unload some things that I can’t actually say to her family, You know, They’ve ‘supposedly’ been MY family for 3 years yet i’m tiptoeing round their feelings whilst they tapdance over mine but i’m not going to say anything to her family because 1. Sarah loved her family and she would’ve been so upset if I said anything to upset them or offend them and 2. The way things have been, I actually thought that her family were going to tell me not to go to the funeral and i’m not going to say anything that could compromise that.
I have ‘up’ days and ‘down’ days, today is a very ‘down’ day, I looked at some pictures of Sarah today and I realised that she will look like that forever, Sarah will never age, she will never grow old…that set me off earlier, I know she’s gone but I just can’t believe it, such an amazing mother, so much life to live, so much love to give, She really was the most amazing person i’ve ever met, I never ever ever understood why she chose me, It was my honour and absolute privilege to have been the one who she chose to share her life with x


Lovely words when you are finding things so difficult and how you have been treated regarding the news and the funeral I’m sure Sarah would be very proud of how you’re dealing with things. I’m also having guilt issues and complications to do with my husbands death 10 days ago - grief , losing someone and being heartbroken is a great weight to bear alone anyway but add guilt into the mix and its unbearable, I know.
I think we need to be kinder and more forgiving of ourselves I just don’t know how ? I hope you get through all this and Sarah’s funeral and her family is kinder to you now. Sending best wishes to you

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