Hi everyone I‘m having a hard time after the death of my Dad last June. It was traumatic to watch his struggle with vasculitis and his death as we were so close, I was very involved in his care. He was 68. Since he died I feel so lonely - people I consider good close friends don’t really know how to talk about loss and can’t relate to what I’m experiencing or find the idea of losing parents too upsetting to even think about. I feel lost in counselling aswell because I’m just in this bleak dark place and I feel like a burden and I like my counsellor must dread meeting with me. I feel physically unwell with grief my senses are heightened and everything feels abrasive and painful and I have very little energy- anything that I might have done before to help with mental health I either can’t bring myself to do or it doesn’t have the same effect as it used to. I just feel beyond help and like my world has become so small and I struggle to reach out to people or do anything except the bare minimum. Can anyone relate ? Are there any online groups to share about grief ? Thank you
I’m sorry for the loss of your father.
My dad passed away three months ago, 15th November and I feel like my world has ended. My dad meant everything to me and we adored each other.
My dad passed away 8 weeks after a cancer reoccurance and it was extremely upsetting to see him lose his independence. Prior to cancer coming into our lives dad was a very fit and active 70 year old man. My mum and I cared for him for those 8 weeks and I spent three days at his bedside in the hospice watching him slowly pass away. It’s was deeply traumatising to watch my dad die and being unable to do anything to stop it.
When dad passed away there were the initial condolences from people but since the funeral there hasn’t been much mention of my dad or how I am coping. When I do tell people that I am struggling there is little back apart from things like it will get easier.
I am speaking with a councellor but often end up spending the hour crying. I hoped that counselling would be help me but the loss doesn’t feel any easier in fact everyday it just hurts more.
I have spent the last few hours crying as usual and driving around in the hopes that this might clear my head. I ended up parked up outside my parents house which in itself was upsetting as I know my dad isn’t there anymore.
I have no one in my life who remotely understands how bad I am feeling. I message my brother but I feel like there is little support there at the moment as he isn’t grieving the same way. I feel like everyone is sick of me and none of my go to remedies like exercise etc are helping with the sadness and loss.
This site and the people on here are very understanding.
You are not alone in how you feel.
Thanks so much for your message. It’s such a short time since you lost your Dad, it sounds like you had a beautiful relationship- it’s such a profound loss.
I also cared for my dad as he deteriorated and I think the trauma of seeing him in pain and suffering and anticipating his own death over time was as traumatic as the end of his life itself. It was really emotionally gruelling- I felt desperate and totally powerless.
I also resonate with support from family and friends trailing off… it’s a deeply isolating experience when you’re going through such intense pain to feel so cut off from support even from siblings.
I feel similarly about counselling - what was a helpful space at a certain point just makes me feel even more hopeless now because even when I seek out comfort or solace by making myself attend, it seems to make no difference anyway.
I totally relate to none of the usual mental health strategies working - it’s hard to know what to do or where to turn, nothing seems to even begin to touch it. The only thing I have found some comfort in is books- ‘the wild edge of sorrow’ is what I’m reading right now.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard day today and you’ve been so upset. If you want to chat more I’d be happy to.
Thanks for your reply.
I understand that watching your dad in pain and suffering was almost as difficult as the end of life. I remember my dad being unable to change a tyre on the car (my dad was always busy fixing things) and him saying he couldn’t even do that anymore. It felt like a punch in the stomach as I could hear how upsetting this was for him.
I always thought that losing dad would be the one thing I wouldn’t be able to recover from. I like to think that I am strong and as his daughter I know I must find a way to cope and to carry on but the pain seems insurmountable. Dad was ingrained in every aspect of my life so the ripple effects are felt in every aspect. I just don’t have anyone in my world who understands this, my brother is abroad and living a completley different life whereas I live 5 minutes from my parents house.
I feel the same way about the counselling. I feel like I am just stuck on a loop. I like having the space to talk about dad each week but the way this is going I feel like I could be sat there in a few years time saying the same thing.
When I said again to my brother that I was struggling he said the problem is that you have lost the most important person in the world to you and it’s real and profound. I am now starting to think that unfortunately this is just part of me and my life and something I will have to carry around with me forever.
I know what my dad would tell me but I also know if it would have been the other way around he wouldn’t be able to just move forwards so although he wants me to I just don’t know how to do this right now.
I have just started reading ‘grief works’. I will have a look at the book you are reading.
Thanks for your reply. I know you are further on in your grief journey but I relate very much to your post.
Hi Helen Im so sorry for your loss, I too lost my beautiful dad it’ll be two years this may and I’m really struggling I’ve lost my spark feel like my body is literally missing something!..silly I know.
I don’t know what to do really it’s awful my dad and I were close also xxx
Until he passed away I didn’t realise how close we were. We were, both Taureans and so both very stubborn! When I was a stroppy teenager, he would argue black was blue and I would argue blue was black when it was actually red. We disagreed on most things but at the end of the day he was my dad and I have since come to realise and appreciate it. It is very sad to lose a parent, I miss them both but think about them every day.
Hi John - I really understand this, actually the arguing and bickering is a sign of real closeness isn’t it. I am sorry to hear you have lost both of your parents. It really is devastating. Take good care.
Hi Sian, losing my spark is exactly how I feel- it is like wading through treacle trying to go about my day to day life- my body feels physically heavy and I really need to coax myself to do things. It is such a deep bond it makes perfect sense that you feel like you are missing a part of you. Take good care and thanks for chatting xxx
My Dad was also a big fixer and he had very innovative ways of fixing things- I remember the sole of my doc martens came loose and he literally screwed the sole back on with giant metal screws as far as he was concerned they were now waterproof and mended he wasn’t concerned at all how they looked. He also had a really hard time with no longer being the fixer- I can really relate to that gut wrenching feeling watching your Dad lose such an important part of his identity.
I would always tell my dad (maybe unfairly) that I would never recover or cope if he died. Although I am still here, like you say, the pain feels insurmountable- like it is crashing down on me and trying to do anything feels like I’m under a dead weight. It must be really hard for you that your sibling is having such a different experience of grief too…
I hear you re counselling - maybe I also need to see it as a holding space instead of a space where I will make progress or work towards goals (for the meantime anyway). I have been considering leaving counselling but I have left everything I have tried to do to help myself since my Dad died and I don’t want to completely cut myself off from support.
The idea of carrying this feeling around forever is really daunting. I think it is such early days for you- I am still feeling similarly to you eight months in so this must be so very raw still - it is natural that you feel so lost and for the pain to feel so unbearable.
Thank you for the recommendation, I will check it out.
I hope you managed to get through the day okay today