Lost my dad 6 weeks ago and the grief & pain is getting worse. I feel empty and hollow and lost without him, his support, his love and his humour. Although I still have my mum, she has her own terrible grief. I try to support her, but like any grieving wife, she just wants her soulmate. It feels like our family is broken. I’m also terrified of the future. I’m single, no children, live independently but we’ve always been a small, close family and now I see little ahead but pain, fear and then ultimately even worse grief. I just wish I’d made more of all those good years we had together, because I can’t see any way we can enjoy life again. In bad times in the past I’ve always had hope & expectation that I’d get through them and things would improve, but now all I can see ahead is decades of pain, loneliness, and longing for him to be here.
I’m really sorry we are both here on this forum. I know it feels like this will never happen but things will get better, slowly, but you’ll smile one day again. I lost my Dad 3 years ago, and my Mum two weeks ago, grief is a funny thing, it comes in waves, think of the good times that you had with them both, that might make you sad now, but trust me, it’ll make you smile in the future - maybe tinged with sadness. Things will never be the same again, but you can be happy. Make the most of your Mum being with you, help each other through the grief.
I’m sure someone will be along shortly to give you comfort, but you sounded so sad that I just felt compelled to message you.
Please take care of yourself.
Thank you for replying Banafell. I really appreciate it. You must be suffering so much having lost your mum so recently. Sending love and best wishes.
Hi Jack, your words resonated with me as well as Im in a similar situation and feel the same way. My dad passed away in December 2021 after a long illness and alongside my mother I cared for him during this time. I was living independently then and travelling back and forth but after he died I made the decision to move in with my mother to support her. Grief is terrible time and it feels like it was yesterday. As someone else mentioned days feel endless. I hope that things will improve but the last year does feel like time has stopped while others move on with their lives. Over the last ten years Ive spent so much time with my parents that the loss feels seismic and I would do anything to return to the happier times that we spent together. Adjusting to the situation and accepting that this is how things are is incredibly difficult. Youre definitely not alone in feeling like this.
Thanks Matt. Seismic is the right word. The old family contentment and joy that I used to feel can never return. There will always be this massive absence and pain. In the old, happy times, months used to pass by in the blink of an eye. Now every day feels like a year, an aimless, joyless & pointless slog. Also I suddenly seem to be reading and hearing about other people’s dads in good shape in their 90s and it’s making me angry & jealous. I always thought we’d be one of those families.
Yes I’ve experienced that especially when its someones parents birthday being celebrated on Facebook. I took a step back from social media as it wasnt helping the situation. I appreciate its important to focus on the future and have been spending more time thinking about where I would like to go and what I would like to achieve as I know thats what my dad would have wanted.
Hi Jack so sorry for your loss. My dad passed on 29th November, I have many regrets and wish I had spent much more time in his company. Like you I live alone, back and forward to mums. Even dads dog appears to be grieving. He was crazy, excitable, hard work, always jumping all over everyone now hiding away tail always between his legs although he’s still spoiled rotten, he doesn’t want our cuddles. House feels so depressing. Every day is a challenge for me, spend most of my time in PJs if it wasn’t for mum I wouldn’t get out of bed at all. I fear for her too as she is frail with health problems. I don’t have words to console you but joining this forum has gave me so many people to reach out to and understand exactly how I feel. I hope you find comfort from knowing you are not alone
Thanks Lynne. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this too. Yes interacting with others on here has helped me realise I’m not alone. So many people in the last few weeks have said “sorry for your loss” and then expected me to be back to normal. On these forums at least we’re among others who really understand how devastating this is.
I’m still off work, I feel my friends are no longer interested in my depressing messages. Think we are all in the same boat. I could never properly understand people’s grief (and I’m a nurse) but here I am in floods of tears constantly
Please keep in touch you will form bonds with ppl in very similar circumstances. Thank you for your reply
Hope you have a peaceful weekend x
I was sent this from my bereavement counsellor. I have forwarded to a few groups on this forum since joining a couple of weeks ago. It describes grief as 100ft wave and allows you to feel safe and normal in the horrible place where you are right now. I hope it helps
As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out
That’s comforting. Thank you.
Thats really lovely xx x
I feel the same. My dad passed away 17 days ago. my world feels so small now. With my dad missing . Cant believe what a big part of my life he is… dont want to say was. Its so hard. Sounds like alot of us are in the same boat.
I’m with you all in your grief. My father passed away 2 weeks ago today and it feels like world has moved on its axis and now everything is irrevocably different. I was there with him while he passed away, which was incredibly traumatic, and upsetting. Even though I saw him pass away… it still feels like he hasn’t properly gone, and that hes on holiday and I will see him again. Strange how the brain compartmentalises grief like that. I’m also 28, and I thought we would have longer together. I’m devastated that we don’t have longer.
Sorry for your loss. Its rubbish. Miss my dad and talking to him everyday. dont know how am suppose to move on and re build another life
I hope everyone is doing as well as we can be today, and I genuinely hope today is a good one for you all?
@Pippa700 one of your comments resonated with me, you said you feel your Dad might be on holiday and you’ll see him again, this is exactly how I think of my Mum’s passing (she’s now with my Dad, so together again - which is the only thing that brings me comfort) I could cope much better if she was just gone for a while. It is funny how the brain compartmentalizes grief like that, Mum has been gone only 18 days. It’s the longest I’ve not spoken to her.
I hope you’re doing ok today.
Thank you for this I found it very comforting.