Lost & Isolated

We had no idea Lynn had cancer, she had no symptoms. We thought she had picked up a water infection, which after visiting a local chemist antibiotics was prescribed & the slight pain disappeared. This was August 2019, she spent most days playing with our grandchildren in our hotels swimming pool, we had just both retired & were on a “holiday of a lifetime”.
When we came home she went to the doctors, a place she hadn’t visited for years. Within days she was in hospital having a biopsy. How can someone have cancer in their bones, bladder, lungs & bowel without feeling unwell but Lynn had all of these. Then came the radiotherapy and chemotherapy treatments. Within days a healthy individual had deteriorated to someone having difficulty walking & sleeping. She was in constant pain and was taking massive amounts of relief. Instead of the treatments improving her wellbeing she was getting visibly weaker by the day. The effects of the chemo resulted in her being admitted for days in hospital given bed rest & blood transfusions. Next came the devastating news, all treatments were being stopped as nothing more could be done.
Her consultant referred her to our local hospice where they suggested she should spend a few days with them. Within a couple of days they had her pain under control & we made arrangements to bring her home, but again cancer had its evil way, she could again feel pain. Instead of her returning home our children came to the UK & together we spent the next few days & nights with Lynn in her bedroom. She slept all of the time but she still cried. We were there when her breathing finally stopped.
The UK lockdown came the next day. Although sorting things was difficult (funeral arrangements for 5 people only, registering the passing was almost impossible, limited access to banks & insurance companies didn’t answer their phones) but I had something to occupy my time.
My kids managed to fly to their respective homes but me, I was still here, no-one to talk to, nowhere to go, nothing to do but think. Friends called to say how sorry they were, how things will be better in the months to come, suggest I visit my children, find some hobby, etc, etc.
To begin with I thought I was simply depressed, sad, upset, things will get better but they haven’t, in fact my mental health appears to be far worse now.
My thoughts in the morning start with do I want to get out of bed. Every day I cry, sometimes the daftest reason will bring the tears. I not hungry so why bother preparing food. Worrying (why). I question why I’d taken my wife for granted for the 45 years of our marriage, I’m angry that it should have been me & not her who had died together with the black thoughts that I should join her as there is no longer a future. Night-time involves staring at the TV until the early hours, lying in bed with every stupid thing under the sun going through my head until exhaustion finally takes over at about 4am. Then comes the next day & the cycle continues.
I’m completely lost, my wife was also my best friend. Who does one talk to when your lifelong partner is no longer there.

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Hi. James. Welcome. The pain you are now feeling we all have felt. Honest! It’s not ‘your’ pain but is the pain of every bereavement sufferer the world over. Although to you at the moment it seems so individual. ‘How could anyone have suffered as I am’? But everyone on this site knows, and you will get nothing but kind words from the lovely folk on here.
Try and eat if only to keep yourself nourished. We use up a lot of emotional energy in grief and eating if only a little helps. Laying in bed with thoughts going through your mind like a herd of Elephants is normal for so many in grief. It will pass with time. Don’t try and stop the thoughts. It can’t be done, but you can accept them as what they are, thoughts in a tired mind. We feel lost and deserted, and with no one to chat to about the days events. It’s 18 months since my wife died. I do cope but it’s still painful at times. I have learned so much about myself and how to cope, but that’s me and may not be everyone.
Take care of yourself as your wife would want you to. Come back here at anytime and talk to us all.

Hi James Jonathan is right my husband passed in March 2 days before lockdown diagnosis cancer of bowels liver lungs found out 3 days before he passed although had been having tests for bowel cancer nothing was on results his bowel ruptured. I did not eat for 2 months properly I felt so ill worrying my kids I had to eat it is physically and mentally draining. Sorry for your loss

Hello James, yes Jonathan is right . His loss is a bit more distant than ours,my husband of 49 years died very suddenly nine weeks ago so I do know the terrible pain, loss and helplessness you’re feeling.Nothing has ever prepared us for this heartbreaking situation and we don’t know where to turn or how to cope. Everyone here is so kind and understanding and posting here has really helped me. I hope it will do the same for you. Try to eat, you do need to keep strong to get through all this. If you don’t feel like cooking, a sandwich, something on toast or even an M and S ready meal would be good! Please try! x

Hello Jonathan123

Thanks for the friendly hand on the shoulder, kind words & well thought out
I hope I can contribute something as constructive in the future

Hello James, what a terrible ordeal you have been through since last August. Your initial shock is subsiding and the shock of reality is setting in. It’s quite understandable that you are feeling lost, everybody on this forum feels the same to some degree, some much more than others. Unfortunately there isn’t a quick fix, I wish there was, but if you continue posting and read some of the other posts you may not feel better but you will know you’re not grieving alone. In time you will see some light. Try to stay strong in the meantime.