Lost Mum earlier this year

Hi. I lost my Mum unexpectantly in January from cancer (she was expected to go on for another 10 years or so but got sepsis making her condition terminal). Since then things haven’t been easy. My son told me his girlfriend was pregnant (the amount of weeks gone I lost my beloved Mum!), we had him and his girlfriend living with us while they were waiting for a place to rent as her parents wouldn’t take her in and i’ve tried to keep emotions in check for their sakes on what should be a happy occasion for them. We helped them decorate their new place while her parents wouldn’t get involved then suddenly since the baby arrived we were pushed aside while the family suddenly decided to be there for her after months (including when Mum was dying) of not wanting to know her. I’m now feeling grief more than I ever did when Mum first died, like it’s hit me full force. I’m angry, sad and overwhelmed. I break down at the slightest thing and caused a huge row with my darling son over her family pushing us out when really I felt scared i’d lose any chance of getting to know my first grandchild as well as lose my Mum in the same year. Everyone except my Dad and myself seem to be moving on but I feel bitter that all the people visiting Mum promised her they’d look out for us but we’ve not even had so much as a text since the funeral! I don’t need their suppport but I feel they broke a promise made to my Mum at the most vulnerable time in her life and that angers and hurts me. I’ve hidden myself away socially because I can’t face everyone being happy this time of year when we’re struggling so badly. I don’t begrudge people being happy and i’m pleased for them but can’t face putting on the front of being happy when inside my emotions are all over the place. If anyone can make me feel a little more sane and offer some sound advice, it would be very much appreciated.

Hi Debpeb,

I’m very sorry to hear that you lost your mum so unexpectedly in January. It sounds as though you had a lot to deal with in the months following your loss, so it’s understandable that your feel your grief has hit you full force now. Many of the things you’ve mentioned in your post have also been experienced by other community members, so please know there’s people who understand here.

I’m sure you’ll get some supportive replies soon, but whilst you’re waiting you might find it helpful to have a look at a couple of the articles we have on our website:

Let me know if there’s anything I can do to support you.

Take care,

Hi Eleanor

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I have read the link you posted and it feels like i’m reading myself so much in it emotionally. I’m an only child and I worry so much for my Dad as he always said his life wasn’t worth living without Mum. Thankfully he reassured me when we lost Mum he would keep going but it physically hurts seeing him so upset. We talk about Mum all the time and the wonderful sense of humour and things she did but I almost hate the closeness I had with her because it makes me miss her so much yet I feel she is still with me. I wonder if i’m in denial but Dad said if it comforts me it has got to be a good thing?

The emotions I feel are crazy! Thoughts pop in my head that are totally out of character which frighten me. Things like me not caring whether i’m alive or not as nothing makes any difference anymore and I don’t make a difference.

Thank you again.

Hi Debpeb

Just wanted to send a virtual hug. This time of year is so hard when you are dealing with grief. I know what you mean about people being there for you. I’ve had some amazing support from unlikely places and been let down so much by others since my mum died just a year after my dad.

I too am an only child and the burden is a big one. It makes things less complicated in one sense though so your job now is to be there for your dad.

I hope with time your relationship with your grandchild improves. Don’t feel pushed out. Why not take control back into your court and invite your son and family to do things with you so you can call the shots.

I have a different problem. My in laws let me down badly when my mum was dying and now I have to play “Christmas” with them for my young sons sake. I just want to avoid them at all costs but can’t.

Anyway. Hope you receive your virtual hug.

Ann xx