Mum moved near me (only daughter, 4 sons) just over 10 years ago… not long after she was diagnosed with dementia, put on tablets which drastically slowed the process… around 2 years ago she was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. I took her to every appointment and procedure… looked after her by blending foods etc until about 3 months before she died. When she became really poorly one of my brothers moved into help with her care… at first he couldn’t cope and wanted to leave, but stuck by us, taking some of the stress of me being there 24hours… which I was very grateful for but he would drink heavily to cope with the changes in her. When the end was nearing I moved in with her, sleeping next to her every night… a couple of my brothers visited for a day or two then returned home stating they couldn’t cope with seeing her like that. She died with me next to her, one brother drunk in the room next door and the other 3 absent. Fast forward to the funeral… one came up the morning of the funeral then left straight after, the other two stayed for a day, the other didn’t turn up at all… I’ve been left to clear the house, attend to all funeral arrangements and everything that goes with a loved one dying. I have no support from them. I am angry, disappointed and feel I’ve lost my mum and my brother’s. Not once have they text in 2 months to see if I’m ok. I’ve not cried or been able to mourn my loss, I feel broken and dead inside… my whole world has changed as I’m not caring for her, I feel I’ve lost my identity and can’t express this to them incase it upsets them. I love them very much but feel I’ve lost my whole family
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum, @Anne1512, and that you’re not getting the support you need from your brothers.
You’re not alone. Sadly, many of our members have lost a parent and will understand some of what you’re going through. I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.
- Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
- Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
- Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
- Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Take care,
Seaneen
I’m so sorry, my dad died from this when I was just 19, it’s an awful disease. I’m sorry too that you haven’t had support from your brothers. Sometimes people are thoughtless rather than trying to be unkind, but they’ve certainly not been there for you. People on these pages are very supportive, have a look at a few threads and share your thoughts when you feel able. X
I’m sorry to read this , im sure many people can relate. My brother found it hard to cope as well and used alcohol as a coping mechanism. Mum was diagnosed with cancer 2020 and passed last year and my sister saw her 3 times. The anger has subsided, I won’t ever understand but i focus now on the time I got to spend with mum not what my siblings did or didn’t do. Sending 
You know you did the right and loving thing. Your siblings just can’t get that back. At least your brother did help a bit. It’s so hard but there’s just nothing you can do about other people’s actions.
It’s been over 3 months now and I still haven’t cried and grieved as I expected… I’ve dealt with all the house clearance and selling the property, I’ve looked at pictures, tried thinking about her in any condition, whether it be ill or in good health and there’s nothing… no emotions . My partner is worried I’m not going through the process… I’m just carrying on as normal with no emotions… is it time to contact the doctor? Or is this normal?
Thank you so much for your kind words
I think it might really be delayed shock and the emotions will come when yiur body feels it’s safe. We can’t dictate when and how things hit us. I’m sorry, there are just no answers that fit everyone and every situaton. X