Hi everyone this is my first time actually being brave and getting the help I think I might need. My mums 3rd year anniversary is coming up on Saturday the 8th August.
She passed away suddenly at the age of 45 in 2017 I was 27 at the time. 
my mum has been the first death I have endured and the very first funeral I have gone too. Anyways I have contacted this charity to hopefully get some counselling as the amount of times I have made an appointment I have felt sick and been unable to go just thinking back about that day. I have severe depression, generalised anxiety disorder and ptsd. I have suffered this for 13 years and then ptsd the day I went to my mums house and she was dead. I couldn’t believe it she had no problems what so ever. The post mortem said heart disease. Anyway i screamed in my mums front garden so much I collapsed and a neighbour carried me home. My house was filled with friends that day and my poor grandparents loosing their daughter. so everyone has told me constant things will get better they told me this last year but I am not. I have so so many what ifs so much guilt just so many questions. I look after both my grandparents now. If it wasn’t for them and my dog I wouldn’t be near today as so much when I have taken a breakdown I have wanted to go and be with my mum. The pain is so unbearable. I don’t see friends much at all now I am a complete hermit plus i feel like a huge burden to friends as everyone has their own problems so I have been keeping a lot in to myself if her funeral songs come on `in a shop I need to walk straight out. Any tiggers and that’s my mood changed all day or all week. 1 year after my mum I had the police chap my door during the night my uncle had an hour to live they had told me ? There’ was not health issues with him either he had a bad headache they said and it ended up a huge blood clot. I couldn’t go and face Seeing him I couldn’t even face seeing mum in the funeral directors I was just so so sick and mentally exhausted. I got a lot of grief from som memebers of my uncles side of the family because I couldn’t make it. I was so ill and not in a proper mental state. I had apologised and helped as much as I could with his funeral but still wasn’t good enough.
Mum got cremated and i just don’t want to her ashes to go anywhere. I have a pillow made from my mums dressing gown and I will shout and cry in it on bad days but I end up panicking so much I can’t breath etc. I love alone which is probably why I’m a hermit and find it really hard socialising again I miss my life I miss my mum I know i am just existing right now with being on so many medications and at 31’it isnt how i invisioned My life. My career before mum died so was so stressful so I just couldn’t face going bk when she passed. I have tried everything u could think off I’m trying meditation again. Thursday with my first appointment I am really scared and nervous. I also have separation anxiety from my gran and papa and dog yes I know that will sound weird nuf
If I go away from the house from them I worry that the same will happens to one of them while I am away and I always vision my dog getting run down. It’s always bad things and bad nightmares in get. Would be nice to hear back from anyone who’s been through and still going through it. Thank you in advance I hope everyone is as well as can be during these weird times. Naomi x
Hi. Naomi. I’m sorry you have not had an answer to your post. You do need counselling. You are very wise to seek help especially from a bereavement counsellor. They are the only ones trained and equipped to deal with this life trauma. And it is you know, a trauma. Now to some three years may seem a long time, but in grief it can seem like a few days since it happened. Delayed grief can often strike when least expected. Please, try and not flog yourself with guilt. We can’t always face everything that comes up, and if you are in an anxiety state and have PTSD then it makes it all the more difficult. It may be, by the sound of it, you are trying too hard to get yourself free from the emotions. Far better to go with it, go with the flow of life. I know only too well how difficult it can be. There is NEVER anything weird or strange in grief. Negative feelings and emotions can become a habit. It’s called ‘catastrophising’. Everything seems to have a downside and hardly ever a more positive side. ‘Look on the bright side’ they say. Maybe, if you can, but it’s not easy when you have chronic anxiety. I wish you well with the counselling. Be as open and frank as you can with your counsellor.
Best wishes and Blessings. John.
Hi John thank you for your message back. Everything you said is spot on. My mind is extremely fragile with many things and things that I can’t just keep ignoring in life just because it makes me ill. And yes you are totally correct I try to hide it now and act as if it never happened well I try to keep it at the back of my head but it doesn’t work like that it is always there. I want to be pain free I want the hurt and pain to go away and I Now deal with it By taking medication also to numb the pain. As my mind never stops. I remember when my mum had died I had all the cards up for around a year after her death I didn’t want to take them down it felt such a comfort to me as so so many people loved her she was a how can I put this lol a big character in our small town. I kept gettin told is it not about time you took them down and I said no.! And yes every day I think my gran and papa are going to leave me I think it’s a little abandonment issues that I suffer with also. And I keep telling everyone if they die I want to go with them as I can’t live my life without the only people who care and love me so so much. I’m crying typing this but this is how I feel n I get told not to be so silly. I’m not being silly I just can’t see a way to live my life when everyone I love around me is gone or going to go at some point. And yes I know it is life as everyone keeps trying to tell me but that doesn’t make how I feel any better that it’s life and it happens. I’m guessing John you have felt the pain I have also? How are you coping ? Naomi
I found cruse counselling very helpful - and also you can get it free on the nhs. You are not alone - we all experience it differently. I definitely got very anxious especially with my sisters death - she was 51 when she died and my poor mum had to watch it. So awful. Get all the help you can and keep talking. Your mum would want you to look after yourself - take good care xx
Thank you. I have to travel far for cruse and with my anxiety and stuff I don’t like being away from my safe place. So I think this one is more suited to myself. Which I’m so grateful for. Thank you for ur message. Xx
And I’m so sorry for your losses 
yes I find my papa has never dealt with my mums death really but no one can talk about it in front of him. As it upsets him.
Yeah it is hard for parents to loose their children my gran has taken it really hard and trying to be there for them aswell is really hard but I think they put a front on for me as they know how bad I am xx
Yes Naomi. Anxiety and grief combined can be hell. I think everyone who suffers such a loss will have some anxiety. About the future maybe. Anxiety always brings a sense of insecurity. You are never sure what will happen and we often go looking for problems that are not there. Also your mind is tired with so much fear. Why wouldn’t it be? Fear is exhausting and I suspect you may feel exhausted at times. Keeping ‘IT’ at the back of your head is no answer. Facing our problems and accepting them is a much better way. Difficult? Of course it is, but what is easy in grief? In my view medication is fine in the short term and counselling combined with short term medication can be good. On the subject of medication you should be guided by your doctor. He/she knows you and how you react. Try not to take too much notice of what others say about time and what you should do. They may mean well but are not in your situation. You do what gives you some comfort. We all do this grief thing in our own way. No rules apply. You are NOT being silly, far from it.
It’s twenty odd months since my wife died and I am coping. Better than I was in the beginning. It does improve for many of us, not so much for others. The pain will never go away entirely, but we can learn to live with it and make a new life. It will never be the same, that’s not possible. Blessings. John.