I lost my 13 year old son in a terrible car crash, this was in 2015 and due to the very lengthy court process this went on for almost 2 years so I was very tied up with all that and work and helping my other children but about 1 year ago it really started to hit me hard that my son has gone forever and I can seem to cope anymore, also 1 year after my son died my niece was nurseries by her boyfriend, I feel guilty that I was not their for either of them when they needed me, I think I have always thought I’m strong enough to deal with this but the reality is that I now feel very mentally ill and I don’t know where to start with help
Hello Blackburn. I’m truly sorry to read of what’s happened to you. What you have been through is truly shocking. Although I know the pain of loss I don’t know what it must feel like to go through the special kind of loss of losing a child. Do you think it’s something like delayed/complicated grief? As strong as you sound to have got this far there is only so much the mind and body can withstand and before we know it our mental health becomes affected and we don’t know where to turn. As you mention the guilt feelings do you think there’s an element of PTSD as well? Please don’t suffer in silence, if you are up to it maybe your Dr could talk things over with you. I’ve emailed the Samaritans before now, sometimes it helps, other times not so much. I wish I could be more positive for you but I’m also struggling and unable to make sense of things so sadly dont any wisdom to pass on, only heartfelt compassionate thoughts. Maybe your post hasn’t been read yet by another bereaved parent who could tell you of their personal experiences ofbcoping but please don’t suffer in silence anymore, especially when you’ve mentioned suicidal thoughts. Keep going as best you can.
Hello Blackburn2208,
Firstly, welcome to this community. This is a safe and supportive space for you to share what you’re going through and I hope you find it helpful to talk to us.
I am so very sorry to hear that you lost your son in a car crash and went through such a drawn out court process afterwards. It’s understandable that everything hit you after this, as it sounds as though you focused on the court process and supporting your family for some time.
Probably the best place to start for some support is your GP. They will be able to suggest the best way forward for you and perhaps refer you to local services. Sometimes it can be helpful to ask for a double or long appointment when you book in, so you have time to really talk about what’s going on without feeling rushed.
I would also suggest having a look at our bereavement counselling service here: https://support.sueryder.org/bereavement-counselling. This is a free service and sessions are held over video chat so you attend from home. Sometimes getting support through your GP can come with a bit of a wait, so this might be helpful step in between. Feel free to send me a private message or email me at online.community@sueryder.org if you have any questions about this.
Finally, if you’re struggling and need to talk the Samaritans are always there on 116 123.
If there’s anything I can do to support you, please let me know. I’m here to help in any way I can.
Take care,
Eleanor
Thank you for your comments of support, i am going to see the GP tomorrow, i feel like it’s day 1 all over again, not eating, not sleeping, no interest in doing anything, constant crying and all I think about is the day it happens and what if I had done something different that day, maybe gone out for the day with the kids or something like that then maybe my son wouldn’t have died that day.
I then think about my niece and how if I had been there to help with her abusive boyfriend then maybe he wouldn’t have beaten her to death, I identified her body on behalf of my sister and that is the picture I see when I think of Sophie.
3 and half years on should be getting easier so I am told but it is harder now, my life has taken a massive turn for the worst and I need help and I am no longer ashamed to ask for the help and admit i can’t deal with everything on my own anymore x
Hello again Blackburn.
I hope whoever you see today gives you the care and support you desperately would likevand equally as important that they are able to get you this support quickly. I saw a fair few drs at my practice in the early days before I found one who I was comfortable with. I told her I was traumatized by the “what if’s” and the constant looping over the event and that I knew I would struggle to make sense of things because of this in the long-term and I was right. I think GP’s should be able to sense when a person first sees them whether their grieving recovery is likely to be hindered by intrusive thoughts beyond what is normal by the nature of their loss/es. Only today I had a very tearful episode leading to my sister suggesting I need to see a Dr. ( You’ll note by that I’m unable to take my own advice ).
It won’t be easy, there will probably be a fair few tears but that’s only natural and to be expected. Think of think of them as “healing tears” The main thing is that you’ll no longer be suffering in silence and and you’ll hopefully then be able to grieve freely for your loved ones in peace and calm as you so rightly deserve.
I really hope you feel slightly better after your appointment. All the best to you and take care.