Lost my 21 year old son a month ago

I lost my 21 year old son on the 8th December 2021 and his funeral was on the 6th January 2022.
I’m totally lost and broken, I’m seeking help as I’m a recovering alcoholic addict and it’s been so hard staying sober, I’ve 2 younger kids that I have to be here for but I can’t cope.
I miss him so much and I’m really struggling to come to terms with it.
I’ve been refused half his ashes from his mother and I live in Portugal but have a house back in Newcastle now as I can’t face going back to where I got the call from his girlfriend to say she could t wake him up.
Every parents nightmare losing a child but I have amd I don’t know where to begin or what to do

Willa14 so sorry for you lose my daughter passed away in October only 36 the pain you feel is not like any other pain it’s really does break your heart piece by piece your circumstances makes it even harder for you, to grife for your son x

Dear Willa14

What a terrible time you are having. I’m so very sorry for the loss of your son.
It seems there are many issues here; but I will just say that you need time adjusting to the initial shock of losing him. I know nothing will ever be the same again but it’s good you have reached out on this forum where you will find others who are struggling too.

Please continue to post here. It’s good you’re seeking help for your addiction, but do look at speaking to a bereavement counselor, we have them online here or your could try,
The Compassionate Friends which is for families who have lost a child of any age: https://www.tcf.org.uk/
or
http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-services

I hope you find something of help here.

best wishes

Miche24

Hi Willa14 I have also lost my son , so I understand how broken you feel and the unbearable pain and confusion you are going through. I can imagine It will be so hard for you not to have a drink to try to relieve the pain but please don’t go down that route. I hope you can talk to AA, your DR or someone who can understand the extra pressure you are under and can give you some support, or last resort the Samaritans if you feel you might relapse , they are not just for when you are feeling suicidal. Your son would not want you to go back to alcohol after all you must have gone through to get over the addiction. There are lots of discussions on here under the topic “losing a child” , have a bit of a search and read the posts, I am sure you will find them useful. There are so many painful emotions you are going to go through, no one can ever know how bad this is unless they have experienced it, and it’s good to hear how others have gone through the same. I have found it has helped me a lot and when I am at my lowest and no where else to turn I come onto this site and just read post after post. Everyone tries to support each other and I hope you will find some help to. Take care jss.

I’m just lost and don’t know where to start even grieving as I feel guilty for trying to be happy or even smiling, I’m doing my absolute best to not drink and I have a good network of support around me but I don’t want to hear people saying sorry for your loss or giving me condolences, I’m not being rude to people but I feel like telling everyone to F off as I don’t want to believe it’s true.
I miss him so much and I’ve got a hole in my heart and I feel the pain in my heart all day everyday.
I feel so so broken and I don’t feel like I can be strong anymore, I’m taking my 2 other kids back to Portugal, my fiancé is taking my 15 year old daughter tomorrow and I’m following on on Sunday but I’m scared to go home as that’s where I got the call from his girlfriend saying she could t wake Ellis up, I don’t want to be in bed at 8:32am when I got that call.
I just don’t know how to cope

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Thank you for the messages and I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I truly am but I’m finding it all too much but I’m going to keep reaching out

I get what you are saying, it’s 6.20 pm for me on a Friday evening my son went into cardiac arrest in front of me. Every Friday night even six months on is a nightmare. My son lived at home so everywhere everything reminds me of him. It is hell but you will Find a way of getting through it, some days better than others. I too did not want to hear “sorry for your loss” and would just ignore it when someone said such condolences to me. Everything you are feeling you will find so many others have had exactly the same feelings. Yes keep reaching out , I thought it was just me, I was going mad , but found so much reassurance on this site. As I said you are going to go through so many strange and new emotions now. Just try and be patient with yourself this is a slow process , you can’t push it, rush it or sit on it. You just have to breath in the beginning and that might be the only thing you can manage. Don’t expect too much of yourself too soon, oh and you don’t have to be strong. I get so angry when people say be strong , that’s when I feel like swearing , we are only human. We love, we hurt. Take care jss.

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Dear Willa14

It seems you have found some support on here from Jss which I hope is helping you through this heartbreaking time. As Pat said, a day at a time.

Thinking of you,

Miche24

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